Atoms floating and drying in space

Atoms floating and drying in space

A Poem by sentimental~ galore

Fingerprints smudged on creamy walls, wilted sunflowers hung dry on my heart

Eroding day by day, burnt petals spinning inside my stomach like wild hurricanes, diseased stems growing in the roots of my veins

The continuous pulse of your breath, the electric shock of the past, the split second in time when the world seems as though it can fly

It goes on, it goes on: the barbaric beast you unleashed in my mind, bringing tiny trinkets from my memory box, painting vague images that remain imprinted in the corners of my heart

Reminding my lifeless shadow, my vacant soul the murmurs and soft currents of the gleaming lights

Dipping my fingertips in peacock colors, fuse greens and aqua blues,

Brushing the edges of my toes in muddy puddles, dirt smears along the trail,

   Giving the aroma of life once again, playing wind chimes in pain  

The wheels on the time machine reel to the rhythm of the rolling waves, roaring in thunder to breathe again.

 Swollen eyes hypnotized by the venom from your poisonous touch, my limbs ready to feel the sails of bliss, to conquer the misery that lingers like a ticking clock within.

Venturing down the memory lane, the texture of blue velvet and the reflection of ultraviolet rays,

So casual yet so strong, like sipping morning coffee in the rain or blowing birthday candles on a chocolate cake,

I feel your presence in me, the thin fabric of memories you have glued to the ends of my soul, your tender effort to restore my secret garden of hope.

Strangers with smeared smiles spread on Polaroid paper, snapshots of frozen moments floating vigorously in space.

Setting a gentle wildfire in the core of my imagination, making my blood burn with curious sensations,

To run my hands through the golden fields, to wake up to the radiation of the afternoon sun, and to listen to the hush of the hummingbirds

The clarity, the transparency of awaited fulfillment digs deeper than the satisfaction of some intensely urgent longing.

This journey you drive me through, with its dirt roads, open star lit skies, and shattered lamp post lights is merely divine,

It’s like coming back to life, like walking out of a demonic tunnel and into a jungle bursting with beads of sun waves, like an orange tree blossoming in the middle of the night, a million monsoons taking over gravity and the milky way,

Once in motion, once swimming lightly in the depths of the swinging sea: all is possible, all is beyond belief, all is infinite and free.

No longer some foreign enigma, some convoluted dream,

A jellyfish swaying like a plastic bag, a paper cut stinging like a broken heart.

It all seems so magnified, a dream under stage lights, the power of exuberance that is dancing like there is no time.

You win again, your lovely theories about time portals, dimensions in black holes, and ancient folklores prove to be stronger than any truth, more realistic than any mathematical proof.

So let’s build surreal castles, let’s fly thousands of kites, and live in hidden water wells, let’s do everything this galaxy can balance and observe the universe as it breathes and beats to the energy we implant in our tiny space, our world of serene astronomy and childish games.

© 2011 sentimental~ galore


Author's Note

sentimental~ galore
Here's my heart, please read and advice...its spoken word and i plan on entering in an actual contest...so help me out any and everything.

My Review

Would you like to review this Poem?
Login | Register




Reviews

My first impression of this poem was that it needs to be more 'grounded'. My mind was racing as I read this, which has something to do with the lack of punctuation, but also...you were really going for abstractions, but you need to be careful in order to keep it centered around something tangible, otherwise readers/listeners will not be able to relate to it. It may be an accurate description of how you're feeling, but it will just seem like a jumbled collection of pretty words to someone lacking that personal context. Do you know what I mean?

I reviewed another poem of yours a little earlier, and it was obviously in the same style but I felt that you controlled things much better and there was more of a balance between the story and the words. Here, your talent for imagery is on full display in lines like: "burnt petals spinning inside my stomach like wild hurricanes, diseased stems growing in the roots of my veins", and others but it is almost to much to process. I would suggest throwing in some more casual, down-to-earth lines in the future because I think it'd make your stuff that much better.

Another thing that I noticed (since I've been catching up on my requests and read a few things by you) is that a few themes/phrases keep popping up in your work....the thing about sand castles, kites, childish games, and even the 'atoms floating and drying in space' line seems familiar. It's cool if you have recurring imagery but be careful that you don't recycle the same stuff too often.

Anyway, since this was for spoken word I think it would actually sound better than it reads; it would be really trippy. And I guess that's what it reads like--almost like an acid trip XD It was okay but not great in my opinion, and I'd love to see you balance things a little more betw/ your awesome and vivid imagery and some more down to earth stuff.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Okay because it's for a contest, i'll try to detail my review and provide corrections.
First of all, the flow's not bad. It's fine for spoken word. A few lines in there are a little below standard.
"the electric shock of the past" Change the electric shock.
"the split second in time when the world seems as though it can fly" Shorten it a little, and make it flow nicer by say, the world seems to fly etc.
Add an adjective before corners.
"My swollen eyes" Cut the my.
"Venturing down the memory lane, the texture of blue velvet and the reflection of ultraviolet rays," Maybe u should cut the second "the." Though im not sure.
"blood burn with curious sensations," burn? Is that the right word?
"To run my hands through the golden fields, to wake up to the radiation of the afternoon sun, and to listen to the hush of the hummingbirds" Cut the to after the comma and the b/w and and listen.

"Once I motion, once swimming lightly in the depths of the swinging sea all is possible, all is beyond belief, all in infinite and free." Did u make any typos here?

I suppose that sums it up. Altogether, I dunno, but I kinda felt ur standard had somewhat fallen. *shrug*

Posted 8 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.


Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

474 Views
2 Reviews
Rating
Added on July 3, 2011
Last Updated on July 9, 2011

Author

sentimental~ galore
sentimental~ galore

on the moon, CA



About
Ranbir. Eighteen and looking for answers with great glory. Wrapped in the seeds of adventures. Vanilla coffee, Rasberry iced tea, and A Fine Frenzy. Bob Dylan Bucket of blues and eyes eager to see.. more..

Writing