Desolation

Life of a desolate. Let me make this clear:- The poem does not convey my feelings. It is just about someone who is a victim of depression, that's all!

I am sad and also sometimes glad,

Over the life to me bestowed.

Thinking about it makes me mad,

I should be striding on which road?

*

This life is brief and I am in grief,

I now hope for a ray of light.

Here, my life is like a fallen leaf

I wander like a string-less kite.

*

Even the satanic sky asks why,

 This cold world here is cruel to me,

 Rather than to live, I long to die,

Perhaps that way I can be free.

Author's Note

The poem adheres a strict syllable count of :- 9,8,9,8. And, rhyme scheme is also very strict. It is one of the toughest poem by me.

The poem is not about me, it is what I got in my mind, and then I let it flow in words. I am very positive by the way.

As always, the doors for critics are always welcome. Be harsh and strict while reviewing. I want to make this good.

I thank Sir Tate and Perkele.7885, for there kindness.

Thanks for stopping by and sparing time upon my work. Reading it is as same as honoring my efforts.

I firstly had named it "Introvert" but changed it and put "Pessimist". but soon after I again changed it to "Desolation" as many reviewers told me that, introversion and pessimism are different from depression. Thanks to those reviewers.

Image source:- Google

Devanshu

Reviews

[Ishita Dixit]

I wander like a stringless kite.
This can happen on more occasions than one.
As soon as I read this line, I thought that as a dreamer I can relate to it.
Just a thought.

Your poem is amazing. The rhyme scheme was good too.
The ideas were expressed brilliantly.
You are very cheerful and that's why its a pleasant surprise how you carved out a poem from the view point of a loner with such perfection!
Kudos!

[Devanshu Rajput]

Thanks for the beautiful review. I'm glad you liked it.

Devanshu

[Bushra Naqshbandi]

The poem is so wonderful, Devanshu. Considering the syllable count and the rhyming scheme, this must have been super difficult to write and you've managed the task with sheer brilliance. Hats off! :) The poem tells the story of someone who's depressed. It expresses the confusion and conflicting feelings such a person would go through very effectively. Nicely written. Keep up the good work! :)

[Devanshu Rajput]

In your reviews, you have always been very critical. To be praised by you, is a great feat for me.

Thanks for showing such kindness. I appreciate that.

Devanshu

[Bushra Naqshbandi]

Sorry for all the criticism but I always mean it in a healthy way and kind of seems wrong to me not to point out a mistake where I see one. :D
You're most welcome and you deserve all the appreciation for this beautiful poem. :)

[Devanshu Rajput]

I am sorry, you took my comment otherwise. I didn't mean that.

You do right. We will find many person, who will praise you, but few who will point out you your mistakes.

What I meant was, you are a good reviewer, and to be applauded by you is a remarkable achievement.

Please pardon me for my comment. I didn't mean that.

Devanshu

[marcus]

even better now!!!!!!!!!!

[Devanshu Rajput]

Thanks for it.

Devanshu

[Michael G. Smith]

I will take you up on being brutally honest. Not many people are here on this site. It's seems 99 percent of the comments left on this site are hollow praise afraid they might hurt someone's feelings. This is a decent poem but it feels very forced into the rhymes. This happens 9 times out of 10 with these metered poems. First line glad and sad very generic simplistic rhymes. I'm was thrown by the phrase "satanic sky". I came to quick halt in the reading to stop and contemplate the reason you chose this description. Also I like to use the word perhaps instead of maybe it takes the vocabulary to a higher level. Hope, you view these comments as constructive. I wish more people would critique my work in this manner. I think we would all progress a little faster if yes did. Have a great day.

[Devanshu Rajput]

You really are very true. We will find many people who can applaud us, but few who will show you mirror or comment upon your shortcomings. I appreciate your review.

I used that phrase, so as to convey the perception of the person who is in deep state of Melancholia. You can provide alternate for it. I will definitely take your second suggestion into account.

I absolutely view this review as constructive.

Thanks for stopping by.

You too have a great day.

Best wishes,
Devanshu

[Helena]

Devanshu,

This is a well thought out piece. I can see you have put your very best into this. I can't fault this in anyway shape or form!! You are rising to the top, to become a very impressive poet.

Keep up the good work my friend. I am extremely imressed with this. Glad I stumbled upon it!

Kind regards,

Helena

[Devanshu Rajput]

Thanks for accepting the invitation to come to read my poem.

The poem has taken my 4-5 months. It is good to know, my efforts have not gone in vain, and they were able to impress you.

Thanks for your kindness.

Take care,
Devanshu

[Saddam]

A tough one on rhythmic platform, but maintained well. Love this.

[Devanshu Rajput]

Thanks for the compliment.

Devanshu

[Saddam]

Most welcome

[DoormanDan]

I think you've done wonderfully with this piece. The font you chose really works with the atmosphere of this piece, and I'm really impressed by how well you were able to write it(considering that you were working under such a strict rhyme scheme). For the most part, nothing really seemed clumsy, but there was one line that didn't sound right to me, Over the life to me bestowed."(Now I may be wrong, but I don't think I am). However, considering how tough it must have been for you to keep to the criteria you wanted to meet on this poem, it is definitely excusable. Also, great job with the rhymes.

So in the end, I give this a 95/100. Superb performance, I must say! :)

[Devanshu Rajput]

Thanks for the great review and ratings. I appreciate your suggestions.

I will be more thankful if you can provide alternates for the line:- Over the life to me bestowed. I want to make this much better.

You are right. The poem really was very difficult for me. Thanks for those compliments.

Devanshu

[DoormanDan]

You are very welcome. If I'm honest, I can't really think of an alternative line that wouldn't ruin the flow of your poem, so I think, despite how off it sounds, you chose the best possible line you could :)

[JayceeC]

Look at the last line of the first stanza: It is stiff and it does not really read well since "which" indicates a questions. Try rewording it to something like : That I 'm striding on such a road. (which still has an 8 syllable count)
Second stanza looks great!
The third stanza again has some language issues also: "to me" is tense but indicates someone is bringing you something or that you think or feel something. So try putting a adjective like bright or blue or dark in front of sky and word it as "asks me why" will look like "Now, even the ___sky asks me why"
The second line also has an issue: You use the preposition "in" with "in here" but there is nothing to indicate where that is. If you use something directional there has to be an image to go with it. Again you can fix it by putting an adjective in front of world and dropping the word in "This ___world, here, is cruel to me." I was thinking "cold" would work.

Overall this is a good poem and it shows that you are willing to work and grow in your art and craft. Reading writers who use strict meter or syllable counts will be helpful to the craft.

[Devanshu Rajput]

I wholeheartedly welcome your suggestions. I will make amendments to my poem, keeping in my mind your kind words.

I am really thankful of yours. I appreciate your review.

Take care,
Devanshu

[Devanshu Rajput]

I have tried to change my piece. You can have a look.

Devanshu

[JayceeC]

It looks much better now and still flows well the language issues are gone so it is a successful edit..good choice of adjectives!

[Prabha Salimath]

Its really nice bhai and rhyming
words are good.
Internal rhyming is brillant I liked it
really.
One day you will command this form by all means I assure...

[CD Campbell]

Over all I think you did a great job. There are a few things that bother me though. The last line in the first stanza doesn't sound right to my ear and if it were me I would reword it. That's me though. Second stanza is solid. Third stanza, second line; inner turmoil? You could easily say "out there" to emphasize what a cruel world it is. That's a petty suggestion. I agree with Dr Wood on the word "glee". Unless the person is also crazy along with depressed. All in all a great work. CD

[Devanshu Rajput]

Thanks for the review and suggestions. No advice for me is 'petty', all suggestions matter to me. read moreThanks for the review and suggestions. No advice for me is 'petty', all suggestions matter to me.

I would be more thankful if you can give alternative for last line in the first stanza. I am already giving the word 'glee' a look.

Thanks for the encouraging review. I am humbled by it.

Devanshu

[CD Campbell]

Thinking about it.

[CD Campbell]

The world out there's a grueling test
maybe that will give me some rest.

Best I could do on short notice. CD

[Mitali Shah]

Finely maintained the flow of your scheme and turned out well. Good one Devanshu. Keep Writing More :) God Bless

[Devanshu Rajput]

I will. Thanks for the encouraging review.

Devanhu

[Mitali Shah]

your welcome dear