An Interior Journey

Narrative poem in progress

**IN PROGRESS READ NOTE FOR REVIEWERS**

Focused rays of the breaking dawn

Beam down on drops of subtle dew

A prism of enchanting lights

Guides me home and back to you

Vast seas of green surround me

As I make my faithful journey home

Blind to their advice of saviors 

For this trek I must make alone

Rough old straps of dated baggage

Slow me down as I grasp for life

Their pain becomes unbearable

Cutting shoulder flesh like knives

Mountains loom in the distance

Breathing fire and spitting ice

Knowing not what fate awaits me

Fearlessly walking to the night

<>  <>  <>  <>  <>  <>  <>  <>  <>

On the horizon of this sun-swept prairie

Stands a man in robes of the deepest blue

Lines of wisdom speak stories seldom told

A twinkle of wit in his eyes faded hue

Approaching the man I noticed his old cane

Each groove tells a story of mountains peaked

Statue-esqe in his noble appearance

Softly muttering as he prepares to speak

"Don't let the wrinkles and white hair fool you"

He whispered with a grin that caught my eye

"A life like mine is one of a kind, boy"

"And you best believe I'm not afraid to die"

Author's Note

I'm in the progress of writing a narrative poem that symbolically talks about the interior journey each person takes at some point or another over the course of their lives. Let me know what you think of everything so far. All I've really accomplished so far is the setting and description of the old man. All criticism is welcome!

Reviews

[Mark]

It is so refreshing to see a young person embracing the antiquated old values of rhyme and meter, and to do so as effectively as you have. I agree with dburke, about "life" vs. "knives", also "ice" and "night" is less than ideal, but it nearly brings a tear to an old man's eye to see one making the effort!
As to content, I'll reserve judgement, as you DID say it was but a preliminary chapter, which presumably means more to come. But the berobed man, standing on the horizon is an apt figure for a reachable, if not an easy goal, and "a twinkle of wit" taken together with "whispered with a grin" suggests he knows that journey, and may even identify with the boy's burning need to know. I might tweak the first two stanzas, so as to omit one or the other of the two references to going home ("guides me home", "makes my...journey home") Final note: "Statuesque" is one word, no hyphen required.
A very ambitious premise! I hope you stick with it! I can hardly wait to see more. Good job!

[Rachel U.]

Ooo, I like the very premise of this. Narrative poems are very difficult to create, but I feel as if you're off to a good start. I love your imagery. :)
//Blind to their advice of saviors // This line does not fit very well, imo. The random "their" threw me off a little bit - I couldn't quite figure who who exactly "they" were.
//"A life like mine is one of a kind, boy"
"And you best believe I'm not afraid to die"//
The double quotations irritate me.
Otherwise, well done, good sir. I feel benevolent tonight, and having nothing harsher to say to you other than the aforementioned. Magnifico. ;)

[DBURKE]

This is a really good poem. I love the rhythm and flow. I also feel this is very inspirational. Good job

[Subjective Sanity]

I would change "cutting shoulder flesh like knives" to "cutting shoulder flesh like a knife" just to keep the beat. Other than that...Pure Perfection. Very deep and inspirational. Well done!