An Interior Journey

Narrative poem in progress: ALMOST FINISHED!

**IN PROGRESS READ NOTE FOR REVIEWERS**

A vast sea of gray surrounds me

As I made that faithful journey home

Blind to any advice of saviors 

For this trek I must take alone

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Focused rays of the breaking dawn

Beam down on drops of subtle dew

A prism of enchanting lights

Guides me home and back to you

Rough old straps of dated baggage

Slow me down as I grasp for life

Their pain becomes unbearable

Cutting shoulder flesh like a knife

Mountains loom in the distance

Breathing fire and spitting ice

Knowing not what fate awaits me

Mocking death and taunting vice

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On the horizon of this sun-swept prairie

Stands a man in robes of the deepest blue

Lines of wisdom speak stories seldom told

A twinkle of wit in his eyes faded hue

Approaching the man I noticed his cane

Each groove told a story of mountains peaked

Statuesque in his noble appearance

Softly muttering as he started to speak

"Don't let the wrinkles and white hair fool you,"

He whispered with a grin that caught my eye

"A life like mine is one of a kind, boy!

And you best believe I'm not afraid to die"

"My will is to send you on a journey

Unconventional, and unique in a way

Should you fail to make this journey, my boy

Regret will haunt you for the rest of your days"

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Reluctance quickly filled my heart

Froze the blood flowing through my veins

After all, it's easier to run away

And circumvent all chance of pain

Hesitation not unfounded 

Staring blankly to the world 

I've tried, I've tried, I've tried this once

Success I've never had before

"Once is not nearly enough, my boy"

Reaching out, his arm clothed in blue

"I will make you a sacred promise"

Swearing on his life to see me through

My baggage still bore rough old straps

Yet the pain began seceding 

Left, Right, Left and off I went

To soothe the old man's pleading

"Wait a minute," I stopped to think

"Today is yesterday's tomorrow

I've put this trip off all my life 

And made more time than sorrow"

"How could you betray my trust?"

The man in robes rasped in my ear

"I swore my life to see you through,

I thought I'd made my message clear!"

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Alright, alright, I'll journey tonight!

I loudly proclaimed with exasperation

Caving to the old man's incessant plea 

To push onward through this degradation

"Opportunity knocks but once in a while

I would suffer no loss by taking this chance"

Trodding along my pace remained steady

Picking myself up by the seat of my pants

"Wait a minute," I stopped to think

"Today is yesterday's tomorrow

I've put this trip off all my life 

And made more time than sorrow"

"I believe this journey can wait, my friend"

Resting my baggage on a mound by a tree

"Clearly there's no point in venturing further 

I need to watch out for number one, you see"

Crawling towards me the old man whimpers

"How can you take my life with such ease?"

His twinkle and grin had vanished completely 

"Go on your journey, I'm begging you, please" 

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What journey, old man?

You're lacking a plan

To see my travels through

"Your journey, my boy!

Life is not a toy!

I gave you my own, now move!"

What's wrong with a little contemplation?

It's turned into flagrant hesitation!

You've filled me with rage!

You've killed me with age!

I find you confusing

This isn't amusing

I blame you

I am you

You're lying 

I'm dying

I'm dying?

We're dying

How can I fix it?

Quit all your mischief!

There's no point now

our chances are blown.

Nonsense my boy,

we've only grown.

It can still be completed?

We are not yet defeated!

Get off that mound and 

go

go

go 

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Author's Note

I'm in the progress of writing a narrative poem that symbolically talks about the interior journey each person takes at some point or another over the course of their lives. Let me know what you think of everything so far. All I've really accomplished so far is the setting and description of the old man. All criticism is welcome!

Reviews

[Mark]

It is so refreshing to see a young person embracing the antiquated old values of rhyme and meter, and to do so as effectively as you have. I agree with dburke, about "life" vs. "knives", also "ice" and "night" is less than ideal, but it nearly brings a tear to an old man's eye to see one making the effort!
As to content, I'll reserve judgement, as you DID say it was but a preliminary chapter, which presumably means more to come. But the berobed man, standing on the horizon is an apt figure for a reachable, if not an easy goal, and "a twinkle of wit" taken together with "whispered with a grin" suggests he knows that journey, and may even identify with the boy's burning need to know. I might tweak the first two stanzas, so as to omit one or the other of the two references to going home ("guides me home", "makes my...journey home") Final note: "Statuesque" is one word, no hyphen required.
A very ambitious premise! I hope you stick with it! I can hardly wait to see more. Good job!

[Rachel U.]

Ooo, I like the very premise of this. Narrative poems are very difficult to create, but I feel as if you're off to a good start. I love your imagery. :)
//Blind to their advice of saviors // This line does not fit very well, imo. The random "their" threw me off a little bit - I couldn't quite figure who who exactly "they" were.
//"A life like mine is one of a kind, boy"
"And you best believe I'm not afraid to die"//
The double quotations irritate me.
Otherwise, well done, good sir. I feel benevolent tonight, and having nothing harsher to say to you other than the aforementioned. Magnifico. ;)

[DBURKE]

This is a really good poem. I love the rhythm and flow. I also feel this is very inspirational. Good job

[Subjective Sanity]

I would change "cutting shoulder flesh like knives" to "cutting shoulder flesh like a knife" just to keep the beat. Other than that...Pure Perfection. Very deep and inspirational. Well done!