Happy Endings

My boyfriend and I are on a break. I miss him.

I have to wonder if it ever ends,

The constant stream of doubt,

The agony in every decision,

and worry behind every thought.

Spinning, careening out of control,

Has anything ever been less beautiful?

The words I speak spawn unhindered

from the ragged edges of my mind.

The one person I love the most

has been subjected to my worst.

As my resolve continued to wane,

I couldn't protect you from my brain.

Body trembling in pent up fear,

I know the worst is now over.

But after unleashing all this terror,

I know I could have lost you forever.

The shame, the guilt, the doubt

They take root and begin to sprout.

I can't believe after everything 

You didn't leave, you want to remain.

Patience is an honored virtue,

but when faith has been shaken,

when bonds have been broken,

I wonder what is actually true.

There are so many reasons

I can't bear to let you go.

Maybe this is a life lesson,

a possible chance to grow.

I understand you when you say,

you love me and aren't going away.

But I can't take back what I've done.

I'd understand if you cut and run.

Perhaps that's what causes the fear,

That I would cause you to disappear.

Months ago I wanted to say goodbye,

because I would make you miserable.

You said that you would never leave,

but I wonder if you wish you had,

when I became a different me,

and treated you so badly.

Believe me in this note,

I want you to be happy.

So do what you have to,

even if it means being without me.