Chapter One: Scotty doesnt know

My name is Thomas Scotty and my adventures begin at the wizardly school of Hogwarts. But it’s not the old English home of that overachiever Harry Potter. This Hogwarts in located just outside of Detroit, Michigan. Home of Enimem, GM and Pooky that crazy crackhead.

 This will be my first year at this school. I got kicked out of high school, military school and even the Salvation Army. So my parents said what the hell and let try sending me here.

You may ask, am I magical? Only in the bedroom. 94% approval rating on Yelp! Because apparently I eat out pretty well. But back to the question. I didn’t have any magical powers, or special skill ability.

This version of Hogwarts accepted more types of people. Vampires, werewolves, and even a few black guys.

I arrive at the school by plane, because trains are useless now. You get to the flight deck by writing into the wall next to the Burger King. They may have a problem with Muslims using this entrance to sneak on planes, but then again it’s Detroit, no one can afford plane tickets.

This is the last stop on the plane’s route to the school. It would have sucked to be the guy who was on the first stop and saw he had 300 more to go. I board the plane and my ticket is an aisle seat. I walk to my row and see two people already sitting there. Sitting in the window seat is a tiny white sickly looking fellow, about my age.  Next to him is a goddess. Blonde hair, royal blue eyes, and a rack, a rack so huge I would die if one hit my face.

I quickly sit down and introduce myself to her.

“Hi, I’m Thomas Scotty, the next great wizard of Hogwarts. What’s your name cutie?”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Olga Phat.”

“Really? Am I on Punk’D? Where’s Aston? Get his a*s off two and a half men, and tell me that I was punk’d.”

She giggle and says, “Why do you think you’re on Punk’D?“

“Because how can a hottie like you have an ugly name?”

She giggles again and the pale b*****d next to her talks to me.

“Hi, I’m Edward Jacobs.”

“Ok.” I turn back to Olga. “So, what are you? Witch, vampire, future ex-wife?”

Edward’s face turns to a scowl. And Olga laughs aloud. She speaks to me.

“Sorry Thomas, I’m dating Edward but we can be friends. ”

I’m shocked. “How can she be dating this loser?” I thought to myself but actually said aloud.

Edwards gets all mad again and Olga turns to me and explains.

“I love him cause of pretty blend of Vampire and werewolf.”

Edward looks at her. “Remember honey, I don’t turn into a wolf.”

I have to speak, “What are you then?”

He hesitates but says, “I’m a werebadger.”

I burst aloud with laughter. “Really? Wow. This is going to be a great flight, I have so many questions.”

Just as I finish my sentence, I hear a baby crying.

“Who the f**k brings a baby on this fight? WHAT THE F**K!”

Olga turns to me, part shocked from my cussing and part laughing because of my randomness. “You know girls these age, one of the witches must be a teen mom.”

I laugh. “Probably is one of mine.”

Reviews

[Morrigan Nicole]

This is SOOO HILARIOUS! Could not stop laughing!

[K.G. Falls]

Like it so far, but quite honestly, I'm really hoping that Thomas is going to change later on... I'm also hoping that 'black kid' thing was just a slam on Hogwarts. Pretty interesting, though, my only problem is I don't like reading through the point of view of Thomas. Haha but I'm going to keep reading of course...

[StarNinja]

I like to keep an open mind about things. I really do. I understand that this is supposed to be a work of satire, a parody of some kind. I spotted a lot of references and poking fun of numerous things so I thought, "Ok. I'm not going to review this as a serious work but rather as something that makes fun of Harry Potter and Twilight and all those other young adult novels out there these days. Cool, let's do this."
However, after reading through this short chapter I have come to realize one and only one thing. I. Hate. Thomas. Scotty. I hate him. He is the most annoying d********g in the history of Harry Potter fan fiction and that saying a lot. He is quite figuratively a human corndog. His speech is nothing but an endless stream of piss that manages to drip its way into my ears despite my best efforts. It’s not just the way he talks either. He thinks like an absolute scum bag too. Add the fact that he doesn’t have a brain mouth filter and you have a recipe for disaster. I mean, this guy says whatever he wants and expects everyone else to just accept it! Not only that, he brags about himself, he’s a racist m**********r and he has no qualms with claiming a screaming baby on a plane is his because he’s just so virile in the bedroom. It’s like if the cast of Jersey Shore all collectively impregnated a lady with Tourette’s Syndrome and she dropped the poor kid on his head a couple time growing up. I would read the rest of this book, but if they involve this Scotty guy as the protagonist, then I may have to throw in the towel here. I’m sorry, but this guy annoys me way too much. Even if his whole persona is a parody in and of itself, it doesn’t matter. I can’t take it! He’s such an a*****e!!! Arrgghh!!!!!!

[Ashley]

random but cool

[Imagination-mage]

lol!!!! how hilarious!!!! A werebadger!

[A.E. Surdam]

I like it, pretty cool. The randomness is fun and the combination is exciting.