Childhood Naivety

Not so much a story as it is a telling of events. I needed to get my story out, so here it is.

It’s strange, actually, my situation.

To those who ask me who don’t know, I always say it’s too complicated to explain. It’s so involved, so complex. Only a handful of people know the entire story, however not even they know exactly what it feels like. I’m tired of getting upset over a situation nobody can help me with, so for the sake of my sanity, now is when I am going to finally get into words exactly what I’m feeling so I don’t have to keep saying I can’t talk about it.

Imagine somebody from your childhood that you had a crush on. Somebody older, you know, one of the ones where very obviously nothing was going to happen between either of you, because you were 10 and they were 18; whether it be an older siblings friend, a student teacher, or in this case, a camp counselor. You were completely obsessed (it’s ok to use obsessed in this case because you’re young) and they catered to it, but not in a mean, teasing way. They were sweet in the way that Drake was sweet when he found out one of Megan’s friends had a massive crush on him (Drake & Josh reference, it works). They were kind and gentle, they played games with you, asked you to be on their team for dodgeball and in your 10 year old mind, you guys were best friends.

Now of course, the next step in the story is that you lose touch. Camp counselor boy one day stops showing up and you’re devastated, but you’re 10 years old so you move on quickly. You obviously plan on never seeing him again, because why would you? He becomes faded, and you fawn over boys your own age, as you should. However, his presence in your past makes you wonder, quite often, where he is and how he’s been. He never fully left, but as you grow up, you push it more & more aside.

Step three, fast forward 7 years. You’re 17 now, and about to enter your senior year of high school that following week when your friend says, “hey let’s go out to eat”. You get in the car and go, and as you’re walking past the windows of the restaurant, you glance in and see somebody. Your heart drops to your feet, and you’re in complete disbelief that there’s no way that’s the counselor boy from years ago, working as a waiter. You get nervous, you get butterflies because he looks exactly the same, yet you think there’s no way he’ll remember you. You get a table and excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, and on the way there you cross paths. He double-takes and smiles, says “oh my goodness” and the familiarity & nostalgia seeps into the air as you can literally do nothing but smile back. He says he’ll stop by the table to visit, and he does, and you catch-up… very choppily though, because you’re nervous but he just smiles, and the sense of energy is so shifted that it makes you question everything for weeks. Your friend tells you it’s obvious he’s attracted to you, and you’re just like stop that, absolutely not.

However, throughout those next several months, you go out to eat more than you’d care to admit. Your short, nerve-filled responses become those of a normal human being, and things get more comfortable. What was once a quick wave at the door, suddenly becomes him waving to come sit in his section. What was once surprise stop-in visits become you messaging him on Facebook (because you’re Facebook friends now) asking if he’s working because you have burned CD’s to give him, and his responses are ones like “yes, coming in????”

And then suddenly, you’re 19 and he’s 27. Two years of escalating friendship you never thought you’d have, however it was always clear there was something else there (you never believed it though, because to you it was impossible). Suddenly, you have his number, and you’re talking every day. At this point, you’re completely infatuated. Let’s face it, you always have been.

The Winter Olympics start, and you’re talking about hockey, when suddenly he’s making moves on you. And of course, you’re beside yourself because what? How could this be possible? And you never, ever think he could be using you because of your history with him, so you push it out of your mind and go along with it.
Fast forward 2 months, you’re drunk with your friends and you get a text message from him. “I just want to make sure you’re okay with randomly making out, I’m not looking for anything serious”. Meltdown. You can’t believe it. You shut your phone off, you cry yourself to sleep.

The next morning you wake up and you make the worst decision you’ve probably ever made. You text him back, and agree. Because in your mind, you’ve invested so much of your time, and you’ll be damned if you get nothing out of it.

A few weeks later you’re in his car. It’s almost 12:30 in the morning and you’re in a baseball field parking lot. He reiterates over and over how he doesn’t want this to ruin everything. How much he values your friendship, and how he’s been so hesitant on doing this for those reasons. He makes you believe he cares about your friendship more than anything else, and two hours later you’re making out in the back seat of his car, and you’re happy.

This continues for 8 months, the hooking up. Gradually moving from the backseat of a car, to his bedroom in his parent’s house, but it isn’t what you think. You have talked every single day for those 8 months. No sex was ever had, you went pretty far, but never all the way. The way things planned out, you did things for a while, but then spent hours talking. Talking about life, growing up, relatives, jobs, aspirations. It never felt like just a hook-up, because you both got to know each other better, and you were happy.

Fast forward to a month ago, and you’re at his house. You’re playing video games, eating Taco Bell and ending the night cuddled on his bed watching Batman. You leave, he kisses you goodbye, and it’s nothing out of the ordinary.

However, then you don’t hear from him, and you start to worry. You text him, and he answers very short & quick. You start to wonder what you did wrong, you replay events in your head, and all of a sudden it’s three weeks later and you’ve barely talked. It’s then that you realize the only times you’ve talked to him were when he’s horny, and two days later you got sick of his s**t and called him out, only for him to deny it and in your mind, whatever you had is over.

It’s not a typical case. This isn’t you met a boy in a bar & he stops calling. This is you met him 10 years ago, and you’ve trusted him ever since. Childhood naivety that he could never hurt you followed you into a situation where he could demolish you. You can’t get closure because you were never in a relationship, even though it felt like you were. You have to deal with the trials and tribulations of an 8 month relationship without ever being in one, and it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do.

And somehow, you feel like you’re 10 again, where in your mind, you feel like you’re best friends but in reality, he was being sweet to you in the way where he knew it would never happen.

Only this time, he used it against me to get what he wanted.
And it’s just far too grown up for me to handle.

-nmd

Author's Note

This was just a way for me to vent.