Past midnight

A personal poem about meeting an ex boyfriend back when I was in active addiction.

I wish I had never even met you
On that cold snowy night
Way past midnight
You were late by two hours

Something told me you were trouble and so did others
I felt it deep in my gut
But I chose not to listen even to my worried friends
What a catastrophic mistake

You had found my Instagram
I had never told you my username
I had originally blocked you
You had given me the creeps

Why did I keep talking to you?
I was so naive
But you were attractive
That’s only what mattered at the time

When we met you brought your friends along
You sat in the passenger seat
Smoking your Newports like there’d be tomorrow
I used to hate the smell of cigarettes until I met you

Remember when you dropped ash on my face?
I laughed it off like it was nothing
It wasn’t nothing
I had wished it would burn me

I can’t even stand the smell of Newports anymore
It reminds me too much of you
Why’d you have to go and ruin a smell?
You ruined a lot of things for me

You ruined my life the most
As well as my parents trust in me for forever even now
You make me sick even to be alive
I lost myself when I was with you

I am full of regrets and guilt
Haunting me for the rest of my life
I fear I’ll never forgive myself
For everything I did when I was with you

I wish I could go back in time
Slap my past self and call her an idiot or even worse
Maybe knock some sense into her
Actually help her and smash her face into the wall

I will always hate myself for all of this
I wish I had never even met you
On that cold snowy night
Way past midnight

Reviews

[W. Barrett Munn]

Sam,
You need to start trying to publish. There is a free website Newpages.com where you can find literary magazines who are currently open to submissions. They are always on the lookout for fresh new voices and yours may be such a voice. Raw and quite powerful.

Now I'm wondering whose poetry you read?

[red93]

This is powerful 'Raw Word' Sam and you won't meet many people in Life who have not had a Relationship they have regretted at some point. Reiki Practice teaches us how to heal even these deep wounds - it really is like Time-travelling back to put it all to rights. 5 Years from now you may look back at yourself and yr Relationship and think ' That was actually one of my best Learning Experiences ' - and be a better person for it.

[Chris]

Ya know something Sam? We don't choose whom we Love - just whom we like and learn we have to live with our selves along our ways. It ain't easy and it ain't fair but somehow most survive til they don't. Lady, you "feel" like-able ...nice "meeting" you.

[JE Falcon]

Nice poem, in the country-western, cry-in in my beer, kind of way. But I don't think that is where you were going with this. --- But, hey, what do I know, we all have these moments stuffed in our memories.

[Kat]

This poem reminds me a lot of a toxic relationship i was in when i think about it to this day i fell regret and your words in this poem make so much sense and i understand those feelings so much at the time i never listened to my friends when they told me he was bad for me i didn't even listen to my parents and everyday i regret it more and more. You are an absolutely amazing writer Sam and i am very happy that you are now out of that relationship congratulations!
-Dreamer

[rmarrwrites]

You conveyed your anger towards him so well. Great writing. I'm glad you're at least out of it now.

[Miss Sharon]

I am truly sorry you had to go through this. No one should be treated that way. Strong writing. ~Sharon

[Betty Hermelee]

You truly let your anger out in this poem; strong slapping words to tell your past partner how he treated you so badly. Every word is a slap in the face to him, as it should be, because he hurt you so much... and now she is angry at herself for being with this ogre.She hates herself for being part of this relationship.
Good, strong writing Sam.
Best, B

[William Michael Reeves]

That was heavy! And since I'm a smoker those thoughts resonated with me. I like it when a poem ends with the beginning. The circle of words in life. Glad this is all past for you and hope you don't circle back to his unattractive cloud of smoke and get burned!