Friday, December 6th

Hello, I'm ∂, and I'm a sex addict.

I'm not really sure what this is, or why I'm even bothering to write this. I guess of all the things I have ever considered myself, a writer has remained constant. Even before I identified as a sex addict, I identified as a writer. So I suppose this is my way of coping with my addiction, the only way I truly know how, through writing.

If this were a share in a meeting, I would state what qualifies me as a sex addict. So, I qualify because I'm addicted to pornography, cybersexing & sexchats, and humiliating sexual experiences; or rather I'm addicted to the chemicals that my brain releases when I engage in these activities. These are the principal behaviors that, even when I hated them & knew I needed to stop, I kept doing. These are the behaviors that contributed to my feeling of helplessness on more than one occasion, and caused me to seriously contemplate suicide and enact self-harm.

I've been sober for just under 3 days, and I really want to reach for my "drug" tonight. But not for any of my usual reasons. Within reason, I have no fear of financial insecurity, I'm not really spinning out over having to move at the end of the month, neither the physical nor the physiological urge is there. What is present, is this very dark desire to be a "junkie" again.

Over the past few months I have really changed my life, or rather have allowed my life to change, and have attempted to change with it. I have begun unearthing a lot of pain and discomfort from my childhood, in therapy sessions that seem to be more intense every week, have begun working the steps of my 12 step fellowship, with a new sponsor, have set short-term & long-term goals for myself which I am achieving, and have even begun to accept myself. As a result, I am functioning in society much more effectively and more often. My world does not revolve around my addiction, even when I indulge it these days. And so, indulging my addiction doesn't feel the way it did before.

I used to be a junkie. I needed a hit of these chemicals more than once a day or recreationally, I need a fix multiple times a day, sometimes leaving myself sore and exhausted in the pursuit of just one more hit. My life was centered around that next hit. I planned my day around it, I'd miss social functions, neglect self-care, ruin my academic and professional reputation to ensure the next hit.

But, as I slowly do the right actions and see my life actually taking shape, that ability to be solely a junkie slips further and further away. As I write this, part of me wonders if I could even remember how to go all the way back down into that hole. (The answer is of course, yes because I am an addict.) It seems strange that in just a couple of months that option has been removed.

The truth is though, that option wasn't just removed. I took the steps to remove myself from that option. 

I could still be right there, feeling the shame, anger and loneliness of being a junkie looking for fix. And after all the work I've done & and allowed to be done to myself that fact scares me. And if I were the same person as 3 months ago, that'd be enough, today though, it just reminds me to be vigilant.

Reviews

[Dan Hiland]

"Coping through writing" sort of says it all, doesn't it? A lot of writers don't know where they would be without writing. Having been through my share of therapy over the last few years, I know the value of writing. I shudder to think about where I would be without an outlet for my frustrations and the gateway to self-understanding that writing provides. Writing helps a person understand who they are and who they are not. I learned that my actions are not me, though I still have to deal with the consequences of those choices.
Sorry about blathering on. Your words are touching and bold and show you to be a strong person. I sincerely hope that you continue to write, sharing your work on this site. By doing so you'll be able to better understand why you wrote this piece today. Your example will strengthen others.
Thanks for sharing.