Wit & Wisdom - June 17 2013

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry !" (continued) ...

Wit & Wisdom     Want to read these in a different language ? Change the TO field to your own country and click the TRANSLATE button after going HERE So it's another Monday and you're at work and you're already feeling bored and listless and, well, you're just not really looking forward to the long busy week ahead of you. In that case, you need some Wit & Wisdom to brighten your day ! Clever sayings and intelligent phrases to get the old noodle going and a maybe even a chuckle or two out of your friends and co-workers ! Be the life of the party ! Be pop-popular ! Well, NO, not really. You say some of these to the wrong crowd and you're liable to get slapped in the face for it. I used to post these once a week when I ran my Scenario Board years ago. However, many of these are quite new so I'll post a fresh set every Monday starting from today and I'll date them besides. As you know or should, many of these are quotes directly from famous people like Woody Allen, our beloved U.S. Presidents, some movie stars, great theologists and scientists, and witty comediennes. I hope you like them and I'm counting on one or two to get a smile out of you ! 01. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry !" He said, "Oh, yeah, why ?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." 02. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 03. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 04. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 05. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. 06. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. 07. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. 08. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 09. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. 10. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 11. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 12. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 13. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. 14. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. 15. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 16. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 17. Fighting for peace is like fricking for virginity. 18. If sex is a pain in the a*s, then you're doing it wrong. 19. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 20. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it ? 22. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. 23. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. 24. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. 25. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire ? 26. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 27. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of thepool and throw them fish ? 28. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 29. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. 30. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR." What's my mother going to do ? 31. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 32. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 33. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 34. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ... So I said "Implants ?" 35. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 36. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet ? 37. God must love stupid people. He made SO many. 38. The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so they can tell when they are really in trouble. 39. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. 40. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 41. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. 42. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas ! 43. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 44. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 45. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 46. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. 47. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. 48. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 49. It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end. 50. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Which of these can you relate to and why ? See you next week with 50 more ! Return back HOME   You are Earth Visitor #

Reviews

[Angelphires]

OMG! I was laughing so hard at things I nearly fell off my chair. Sadly, A LOT of these I can relate too...though it's nice to know you aren't alone in it. lol Thanks for the laughs and have to say that you have talent for bringing out humor in common instances in daily life. So sad to say it's an art dying out..Will continue to read the next batch!

[dw817]

I'm looking forward to seeing you there then ! The last 25 from the newest set are from my friend Jed, in England.

[Mark]

50 ! Wow that has to keep you busy.

[dw817]

Hi Mark !
Actually you get 50 every week. If you click above where it says, "next chapter" you can see 50 more. Hope you like 'em !

[Mark]

They are gems. I've read many of them before, but always good to read again. ;)

[dw817]

Welp, I'll add some more next Monday - count on it. :7

[N.J.W]

I really liked it, very entertaining

[dw817]

I'm glad you did ! NJW, as you are very new to Writer's Cafe, feel free to write me in PM if you have any questions about getting up your avatar, starting new writing, and to add images to your profile.

I also have a tutorial I post every Tuesday (and today is Tuesday so I am adding the 6th lesson now), and you can find those HERE:
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/dw817/1190100/

Alternatively if you want to read more, "Wit & Wisdom," click on the button above labeled:
Next Chapter ►

[Holly Mason]

this is my review station so.....hahaha
totally funny
needed that
thank you for the laugh

[dw817]

You're welcome, Holly. It's a series so there will be many more next Monday, and a new Chibi Doll to boot. :7

[Holly Mason]

p.s. now my daughter thinks I am super cool...cause she loves Anime so thank ya...the cool mom for a day well maybe just 5min. better then nothin'

[dw817]

Fame is fleeting, but any daughter who calls her Mom "super-cool" is a feeling you should enjoy now and definitely remember for later. *Gentle Smile*

[The dark story]

heheheh that was funny but really witty. i was just imagining the reaction of that big guy you picked up the fight with...lol!
oh that's true and is quite funny:
"We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police."

[dw817]

Actually there is a thing called a RED ZONE with pizza delivery now. Because crime is so high here in Fort Worth, some pizza companies REFUSE to deliver pizza because you are located in the red zone - meaning they have been robbed multiple times trying to deliver pizza in your neighborhood.

It's really sad - we have our own war zone, fortunately I don't live in the styx but I might live in the branches, up above and away from most of the bad action I hope. :)

Thanks for reading ! It's a series so I'll be posting a new 50 every Monday.

[The dark story]

i'll be reading the next update hopefully!

[dw817]

Awesome blossom ! (It says I must enter in 25-characters for a reply but the only character I can think of right now is Dexter from Dexter's laboratory !) :)

[Foxemerald]

I'm laughing so hard that I'm going to cry- so, does that mean I should stop reading? Never a conclusion! I shall read this until I post every single question upon my wall and attain the fullest reproach for my efforts . . . and, get booted out of church besides. What else can I say? Very nicely done.

[dw817]

Goodness ! Well, perhaps I shouldn't tell you (but will anyways) that this is a series I post every Monday, so be expecting 50 more 3-days from now.

And - if you want to try and answer or relate your experience with some of them, you are more than welcome to. :)

[Lisa]

Ha! Those are great! I love the first one! lol...such a smart a*s remark lol

[dw817]

Reminds me of my callow (if not callous youth). I got to be a favorite with bullies and ultimately I never learned to behave 'properly' around them until I got my GED to get out of the vicious cycle. :)

[moonlightwriter]

That was funny!!! :D :)

[dw817]

UBetcha ! Just wanna spread a little fun and laughter for drab old Mondays. :D
See you next week, same Bat Time, same Bat Channel ! ⊰)"(⊱

[Lady Ra]

Bhahahaha! I loved them all! Amazing, kick a*s sayings. This is laugh out loud funny. Loved it!

[dw817]

Glad you liked them ! There will be 50 more - and a new Chibi doll, next week.

[MandaBear]

I really liked them. it made me smile =-)

[dw817]

Thanks ! I know the first day of the work week is supposed to be a BLAH day so I'll definitely post a new set each Monday from now on to cheer everyone up. :7