Wit & Wisdom - August 5th 2013

Wit & Wisdom - August 5th 2013

A Chapter by dw817
"

By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you blocked and deleted. You may now kiss my a*s !

"

  W&W August 5th 2013  

 

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01. By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you blocked and deleted. You may now kiss my a*s !

02. F.E.A.R. Forget Everything And Run !

03. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog he's adopted ?

04. I would tell you to go to hell but considering I work there, I see you enough in my life as it is.

05. If you take relationship advice from Taco Bell's hot-sauce packets, congratulations you have truly reached the bottom of your love-life.

06. 'Do not touch.' to me has always meant go ahead - when no-one is looking that is.

07. My therapist says I have a problem with revenge. Well we'll just have to see about that ...

08. A good laugh and a long and restful sleep are the best medicine any doctor can prescribe.

09. If women ruled the world, there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries never talking to each other.

10. C.L.A.S.S. Come Late And Start Sleeping.

11. Little word of advice. When a policeman pulls you over and asks, "You drinking ?" don't respond with, "You buying ?"

12. I don't care how many warnings I get. When I get depressed I'm gonna eat raw cookie dough.

13. I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a grinning chubby toddler coming at me with a sharp weapon.

14. I like sleeping. It's like death without the long-term commitment plan.

15. When everything is coming your way, clearly you are in the wrong lane.

16. First rule of math. If it seems easy you're doing it wrong.

17. I'd explain what we're doing here but I see you didn't bring your crayons.

18. If Google can't find the answer, then it's clearly not a question.

19. I couldn't repair your brakes so I just made your horn louder.

20. Relationships would be so much simpler if we were all born with a, "Clear History" button.

21. I shouldn't have driven home from that bar last night. Especially considering I walked there.

22. I feel as ignored as a white crayon, the first piece of bread, Internet Explorer Security Options, the terms of agreement for any software, and the 18 yrs+ warning for the best websites.

23. Listen, I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk - we go to great parties.

24. Best revenge against bullies ? Finish school, graduate, be better, smarter, and richer than they are. Then later add them as friends in Facebook.

25. Substitute teacher, "So does your regular teacher allow this ?" Student (after long pause), "Yeaaaah ..."

26. Why do they rate a movie R for "Adult Language ?" The only people I HEAR using that kind of language are teenagers.

27. I'm not shy, I'm just holding back my awesomeness so I don't scare you.

28. The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer someone else up.

29. If you can't afford to take your kids to the zoo, just go to Wal-Mart, cheaper and more entertaining.

30. If you trip over your bra in the dark, could that ever be called a Booby Trap ?

31. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't seem to get my wife to go swimming with me.

32. Don't bother putting your hand over my mouth to keep me quiet either, I swear I'll lick it !

33. Intelligence is a lot like underwear, it's important to own, but you don't have to show it to everyone to prove a point.

34. *Taking a test* Q: If you disagree with the following statement, please explain why. A: TRUE.

35. I don't stalk people, I investigate them.

36. When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.

37. If at first you don't succeed, retrieve the instructions from the trash where you tossed them in the first place.

38. I always thought by 2013 we would have flying cars. Instead, we have blankets with sleeves.

39. The Golden Rule Of Success in work is to laugh - at =ALL= the boss's jokes.

40. Exams never test what you know. They just see how good your studying abilities are.

41. My friends are getting married. I'm getting drunk. I think we know who the real winner is here.

42. Be nice to your kids, for it is them that will choose your nursing home.

43. Weekend advice: It's only illegal if you get caught.

44. A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

45. I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.

46. If you're on the treadmill next to me, the answer is yes ... we are definitely racing.

47. Don't ever break a girl's heart, because she'll probably write a bestselling book or album about how badly you treated her.

48. In school if you take too long in the bathroom, everyone thinks you fell in.

49. PRINGLES: The only chip company in the world that doesn't actually sell factory air.

50. Faithful girls cry the most. (Rose wants to adds to this saying it's cause they are miserable !)




Which of these can you relate to ?



See you next week with 50 more !

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© 2013 dw817


My Review

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Featured Review

I was ROFLing by the time I got to 15. LOL. Amazing. Cannot wait for the next 50! Send me an RR.

Which do I think most applies to me? Probably...37. haha. I always try to do things without reading the instructions. Then if it doesn't work (a couple times) then I'll think about reading part of the instructions. :P

Thank you for sharing!
Sylvia.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

You've very welcome !

It's interesting you mention 37, that is definitely one that I se.. read more



Reviews

@ 47:ROFL.

i can relate to that 16 one. i know when i just leave a question saying it;s just too easy for me to do it. but i actually feel highly irksome when my sis asks me to do it and i CAN'T. and it's ANNOYING.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

I'm - not sure. I don't know enough about Java to do ask you a question. There's an excellent chance.. read more
The dark story

6 Years Ago

Ha!!thank goodness.!!! but I am not going to do that.
dw817

6 Years Ago

Math is integral to computers, though, so I wouldn't dismiss or displace it completely. There are ma.. read more
Very funny. Thanks for the giggles.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Well now some of them are supposed to be serious like, "The best way to cheer yourself up is to chee.. read more
Number 10 and 25 is totally me! xD

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ellie EM

6 Years Ago

Uhhh no, not really. I just have really bad grades... :/
dw817

6 Years Ago

Well it gets harder the higher the grades. Have you considered working in a study group ? While I do.. read more
Ellie EM

6 Years Ago

Well I guess I could ask my friends...
haha I love # 9 and #38! Great sayings. :)

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mark

6 Years Ago

Isn't everybody? I thought about getting one for the winter... would be great in the truck.
dw817

6 Years Ago

Or take a blanket with a jigsaw and coffee lids to mark the circles for the arms. *Grin* No - it wou.. read more
Mark

6 Years Ago

hahaha.. ya I am no good at doing stuff like that.
I was ROFLing by the time I got to 15. LOL. Amazing. Cannot wait for the next 50! Send me an RR.

Which do I think most applies to me? Probably...37. haha. I always try to do things without reading the instructions. Then if it doesn't work (a couple times) then I'll think about reading part of the instructions. :P

Thank you for sharing!
Sylvia.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

You've very welcome !

It's interesting you mention 37, that is definitely one that I se.. read more
I enjoyed reading these of them made me laugh really hard lol

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Glad you like them. :7 Which ones do you think apply to you ?
Lol, enjoyed it. Waiting for the next instalment.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Thanks, Shiggy. If you'll click above reviews to the LEFT you'll see this is indeed a weekly install.. read more
MandaBear

6 Years Ago

I believe all of these apply to me at some point in my life lol =

01. By the power ves.. read more
dw817

6 Years Ago

OK, you listed 'em, now tell me about all of 'em. :7

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Wit & Wisdom


Author

dw817
dw817

Fort Worth, TX



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