CHAPTER
15 - AFTERMATH pt 3
* *
*
This chapter is Rated: TEEN
Being
escorted back to my room, I noticed that they didn't lock my door this
time. Perhaps it was because I had been so well-behaved since I arrived ?
I fell asleep but was woken a few hours later to see one of the patients leaning over me and looking at me.
"What do you want ?" I asked angrily.
"Cigarette." he said simply.
"Well I don't smoke." I said and tried to turn my head over the other
way but he walked to the other side of the bed and said, "Actually, I
need a box of cigarettes. So you do have one ?"
"No." I said. "I told you, I don't smoke !" I said raising my voice hoping someone would hear me.
I turned my head to the other side but he followed me again, "Actually,"
he said in a more confiding tone, "I really need a CARTON of
cigarettes. You don't know where I can get one, do you !?"
I had enough of this nonsense. "Nurse !" I screeched out. Fortunately one arrived before he managed to slip away.
"Johnson ! What are you doing out of your room !?" she yelled at him.
"He was going to give me a carton of cigarettes." he said in an apologetic tone.
Then she turned to me, "David, there is no smoking on the premises. You know that !"
"But I don't smoke !" I said trying to defend myself.
"Well, you shouldn't share your dirty habits with others then !" she said not at all understanding what I said.
"I just said, I DON'T SMOKE !" I told her and raised my head up to look at her. She had to understand this.
"Is that true ?" she said asking Johnson.
Johnson however was backing up, holding his head and started yelling crazily, "Goddamit I need a smoke right now !"
The Nurse looked at me apologetically, "I'm sorry David. I'll lock your door so you aren't further disturbed tonight." and then she grabbed Johnson's arm, "You come with me !" she said and then locked my door.
There was no more incident that night. In the morning, it was the usual,
my metal door opening and someone asking if I wanted to sleep or have
breakfast.
Naturally, I chose the latter and sat well away from everyone else.
After I finished breakfast I started towards the TV room and was going
to look through some magazines, although they were all, well, I guess
stuff that wouldn't 'bother' people, like Highlights, which was fine, I
enjoyed those Hidden Picture thingies.
When the LIFE class began again, I spoke directly with the teacher there
and told her how I felt when someone talked like that. She said, that's
fine, David, you don't have to attend, and I'm understanding you're
being moved up a level.
She said if need be, you will get have one-on-one counseling to find
what the problem was and why it's so difficult for you to attend this
important class.
In any case, I didn't have to wait very long. Two nurses came to me. One
was a woman and was pushing a wheelchair and the other was a man,
clearly an orderly from the big size of his muscles and his sheet white
uniform. He held a big brown paper bag in his grip that had my name on
it.
He said in a deep voice, friendly, "David, you are to be placed on the next floor. I have your personal effects here."
"Do you have Susan ?" I asked earnestly.
"Susan ... ?" he asked hesitantly but the woman with the wheelchair
reached into the bag and pulled out my Teddy Bear and handed her to me.
"Is this what you want, honey ?" she asked nicely.
"Yes ma'am !" I said in my most grateful tone.
"That's fine, then." she said soothingly. "You can hold on to her. Have a
seat now." and she took Susan from my grip and placed her directly in
the wheelchair.
"Can't I just push Susan instead ?" I asked her. I really didn't want to
be in a wheelchair as I could walk just fine, and Susan looked like she
was already for the trip.
"No, David." she said patiently. "We're not allowed to do that. Come on
now. You can hold onto ... Susan ... on the ride, okay ? It'll be fun !"
and she smiled widely with a silly grin flipping her pretty hair
around.
Well, with THAT kind of invitation, OBVIOUSLY I hopped in. She then
reached over and started to attach straps on me, on my legs, arms, and
chest. For a moment I thought of a strait-jacket and I thought I could
avoid that being such a good patient up to now.
I gave her a quizzical look but she replied easily, "David, you need to be wearing your seat-belt for this ride, for safety."
"Why ?" I asked. "This isn't a rollercoaster."
Once she had strapped me in tightly she smiled wide and said, "Isn't it ? Here we go ! Hang on !"
And she tipped the wheelchair backwards until I was almost laying on my
back staring at the ceiling lights. Then she added, "And we have some
steep hills in this hospital too !"
* * *
And then she leaned the wheelchair forward until my nose was touching
the cold floor, yet the straps in the wheelchair held me in place
hovering inches over it. She left me there for several long moments face down against the floor.
Then giggling she got down to floor level and asked, "So how does that floor smell down there, David ?"
I knew she was enjoying this cause there was no way I could get free of
the wheelchair and I think she wanted to make that clear to me.
I hesitantly leaned forward, as much as I could, and sniffed and I had
to admit, it smelled a lot like bleach and urine, "Ahhm ... Okay." I
said weakly, not really content with this 'ride' now.
"Thattaboy." she said and straightened back up the wheelchair. I was
feeling a little dizzy now but I got her point. I got EVERYONE's point
in this darned hospital ! Don't argue, don't fuss, don't complain, and
take what you're given. Yeeph !
And then we were on our way, past the other patients who were still
grinning at my moment of embarrassment, and headed straight for the big
metal door and on our way to the elevator. I was taking in all the new
smells too, chemicals, and stuff.
As we were going, I finally had to ask the question to the big orderly
who was carrying my personal effects, "Does anyone live here ?"
The woman pushing my wheelchair slowed down a bit so he could relate his
story, "Sure thing, David. We've had one patient up here for nearly
10-years now. He finally found that it was cheaper to live here than
anywhere else."
"Is he still here ? Can I talk to him ?" I asked.
My wheelchair sped up a bit. "No," he said. "He was transferred to a
different ward, but the word is, he's still living here. Paid for by the
government."
Then he stepped in front of me to put his head down to my level and my
wheelchair stopped, "Why do you ask ? Do you want to live here ?"
Normally I would've puzzled my chin with my finger right here but I was
strapped in so tight all I could do was wiggle my fingers just a bit
around Susan. I shrugged and even that was difficult to do, "I don't
know. I really don't think I'd be welcome."
He stepped out in front of me and the nurse behind me skidded my wheelchair to a halt.
He looked down at me, leaning his hairy muscular arms on the handles of
my wheelchair and his voice was tinged with amusement, "Sure thing !
You'd be welcome ! You can stay here as long as you like ! We'd love to
have you. Let me talk with your Dr to see what can be arranged." and he
stepped back to my side.
"Well, I ..." I started uncertainly, not really sure that this is what I
wanted but he was already set in his mind and I don't think I could've
shifted that idea from him.
The nurse behind me said, "That's a good idea, Jerold !" she said and
with that vroomed the wheelchair back and forth a bit, revving it, like
she was getting ready to fling it away hard and crash me into a wall,
but she didn't, fortunately, although I think she dearly wanted to.
We started wheeling along normally again. We arrived at the elevator and
I still couldn't move anything except a few of my fingers. After
traveling on the elevator and bumping through several more metal doors
we finally arrived on the next floor and I saw other patients. I saw a
window too and saw one stuffed animal in the window.
With that sight, at once I started to get sad cause I knew they would take Susan away from me.
The woman started to unstrap me and saw that I was crying, "What's wrong, honey bunny ?"
"You're gonna take Susan away from me again." I said angrily, and I knew
there wasn't anything I could do about it. I felt the weird chattering
start up in my teeth again.
She laughed, "No we're not. You're on a different floor ! You can have
'one' personal effect while you're here, but only one. You want your
bear and that's fine. That will be your personal effect, okay, hun ?"
I hugged Susan tightly, well, I really didn't have a choice since my
arms were strapped in around her, and I felt the tears trapped in my
eyes finally squeeze loose.
"That's fine." she said. And I looked around. There were patients
milling all over the place. Each seemed to have a personal effect at
that.
Then they unstrapped me and I got out but it felt a little numb around
my shoulders from being mashed in there for so long. They watched me for
a bit to see what I did. Finally seeing there was no immediate negative
reaction from the current 'residents' they left with the wheelchair
back to the metal door and the elevator waiting beyond.
I looked around. One patient had an unlit cigarette, I knew he couldn't
light it, but he was sucking on it all the same like he could get the
nicotine out that way. One had a notepad and pen and was looking around
and busily writing stuff in it, heaven knows what, and ONE fellow had a
Gameboy !
"Hey ! I've got one of those !" I said excitedly to him trying to see what game he was playing on it.
He immediately got defensive and turned around so I couldn't see is
game, "This is MINE, you just got here ! Mine ! Don't lie to me !"
"Nono ..." I said apologetically, "I mean, I've got one at my own house,
just like yours." I said trying to get to where I could see the screen
again. I loved video-games.
He twirled around again, "You can't." he said flatly, "This one is mine, I bought it !"
"I know that." I said confused at how his logic couldn't see there would be more than one in the world.
He played a bit more on it, raising the volume, clearly to get me
curious again and then finally looked at me with angry beady eyes, "Go
away now !"
* * *
"Sorry." I said and left and hung on tight to Susan cause I didn't want anyone accusing me of saying she wasn't mine.
There was a TV on this floor too and most patients were watching some
kind of game-show. I realized there was more interest on TV on this
floor so I might be seeing less cartoons and more channels of things I
wouldn't be interested in.
"David Wicker ?" a doctor in a white uniform approached me.
"Yessir ?" I said and Susan turned around to face my chest cause I think she was afraid right then.
"Come with me, please." and he led the way to his office.
I sat down and held on tightly to Susan. He quietly closed the door
behind him and I felt that familiar pressure in my ears as it felt
airtight. We were alone, and I was certain he was going to take Susan
away from me now despite being told earlier that I could have her.
He sat in his bigger chair and went over some papers. I immediately
noticed the clicking of a clock above him, and it appeared like it was
hanging about 5-7 degrees off angle. I REALLY wanted to go over and
adjust it, but that might be considered invasive.
He finally looked up at me, "David, do you know why you are here ?"
The clock ticked consecutively several times before I answered. "I
committed suicide." I said and looked down at my bandaged wrist which I
had to admit looked better.
He smiled, "Yes, well, no. No, you didn't, you TRIED to commit suicide,
there's a difference. When you commit suicide, you die, you don't
return. You do understand this, don't you ?" He seriously believed I
wouldn't understand that.
But I had a different belief than his, "Nossir." I said, "I won't die, I would be with my Guardian."
"Oh ? And who is your Guardian ?" he asked clicking his pen and busily
writing, and then we talked for several hours about her and how she
'saved' me from myself years ago. I even brought up the odd event of me
possibly living here like was offered to me earlier.
He turned his head a little and smiled indulgently, "Did you want to live here, David ? One of the staff brought this to my attention."
"I don't know." I said truefully, "I don't know if I would fit in well with others."
"I see." he said conclusively, clicking his pen closed. "That will be
all, David. We'll talk again later. Why don't you meet some of those
residents already on this floor and introduce yourself. Lunch will be in
an hour."
And basically, it was the same as the other floor except with new
patients. One was DANGEROUS, she was a big woman, very muscular, and she
held her hands out in front of her with her eyes closed and WALKED in a
straight line all the time.
And heaven help you if you were in her way ! She'd walk just right over
you and keep going, and she was HEAVY I found out when she crashed into
me that one time !
In any case, the doctors half-heartedly tried to stop her but her mind
was gone from I didn't know what. I wasn't that bad off, so maybe I
didn't need to live here after all ?
My Dad finally came to visit me in the private visiting room and brought
two absolutely wonderful items. One was a king-sized Snickers bar and
the other was a biggo NEHI Grape Soda in a metal can with the pull-tab.
It was great !
With all the tasteless food I've had there for the 2-months I was there, this was Food For The Gods !
Basically, he asked how I was getting along, I said fine, he said are
you learning anything, and I said, that I'm not as bad off as some other
people, Dad nodded.
I nodded with him. I finished my Snicker's bar and NEHI.
Dad spoke, "Don't worry about your apartment. We've already got
everything bundled up and out of there. The landlady wouldn't let you -
stay - after ... " and Dad couldn't continue.
Clearly she had found out about the bloody mess I left, and that was NOT a figure of speech.
I do remember when Dad visited after that, he wanted to get me out, that
very day. I know the doctor that was working with me was an M.A. and
Dad was a Ph.D. We were all sitting down in his office and I had Susan
in my lap to comfort me and I was dressed in that odd pajama thingie
they have you wear where your butt has little metal fasteners in it.
The doctor was adamant and assured my Dad that I was definitely NOT ready to go and that I couldn't deal with reality.
Dad got mad and said you let me decide that, and the Dr said NO, Mr.
Wicker is under my care and I will decide what is best for him. It was a
power struggle, I could see that.
And then Dad said, "Well I'm a Ph.D. and you are only a M.A. and I
supercede your authority and I'm taking my son out on that stipulation if you can't see reason !"
Geez, I didn't want them all fighting. I hugged Susan a little tighter
and looked at her mouth to see if she had any advice for me at this
time, then the Dr spoke with me. For some reason she was quiet right
now. Susan usually didn't speak to me until I was alone with her but I
had hoped she had some word of encouragement right now.
"David ? David !" I looked up, "David, what do you want to do ?" My Dr
said bringing me back to my current surroundings and he looked to my
face cause apparently it was my decision to make.
I turned back Susan around so she could see the Dr too, "I wanna see
Rose." I said simply, cause I hadn't seen her except once when I was
admitted after a few days and not since.
"I can arrange that." the Dr said, without asking who she was. "Anything else ?"
"I want some time with her." I said, perhaps a little selfishly.
"Doing what ?" he asked curiously.
* * *
I twirled my toe, "Messing around. We do stuff - like that."
The look on his face told me that wasn't enough information so I lowered
my voice and put my head down ashamedly, "We caress each other, okay ? I
like that." and I motioned my hand in my hair and rubbed it a bit.
The Dr smiled at me and spoke encouragingly, "David ? Have you ever had sexual intercourse before ?"
I shook my head no and the Dr smiled wider but then Dad got mad, "That is none of your goddamned business, sir !"
But the Dr was very supportive, as if I was supposed to tell him that,
and then stood up to put a hand on my shoulder, "David, if you stay with
us, I'll arrange a private room for you that you and Rose can have -
special time with each to do - as you like with each other - every week
if you like. And then I'll ask you some questions about the experience later as part of your therapy. Will that be okay ?"
"NO !" my Dad yelled, "We're not going to bargain about this and he is not a goddamned guinea pig for you to experiment on !"
"It's your decision." The Dr said in that same quiet and soothing voice,
ignoring Dad's outburst and not even defending himself from the
accusation which showed me I guess I WOULD be some kind of experiment
for him.
Then he leaned down to match his head level with mine and gave me a
really encouraging and friendly smile and even reached down to touch
Susan's paw like he was talking to her too. "Hers too." he whispered
quietly. "Why don't you two talk it over. We're only here to help."
Then he stood up and changed his mood to an authoritative one speaking
not just to me but to my Dad now, "Cause honestly, I don't think you're
ready for the real world. I don't know if you'll ever be."
Then
he lowered his tone to friendliness still standing, "But I do know
you're not ready NOW and you'll ALWAYS be welcome here. And you won't be
alone, not anymore. I'm here for you, David. You can tell me anything.
Trust me."
"He won't be alone !" my Dad spat back, eager to intervene with the kindness the Dr was showing me. "I'll be with him."
Then the Dr launched into an attack, "And how far has that gotten you Dr
Wicker ? Your son is in here for a reason, he tried to kill himself by
slitting his wrist with a razor !"
Dad was quiet for a moment and looked away. I knew that was a sensitive
subject and he didn't want to talk about it. I started breathing harder
feeling myself get upset that Dad was getting upset.
The Dr raised his voice now that he had the floor, "The cut he made with
the razor was deep and long enough that he nearly severed all the
muscles to his fingers. Any further and likely it would've required an
amputation of his entire hand at the wrist !"
I started crying because I certainly didn't want to be reminded of what I
did, but the Dr continued relentlessly, "All of this stupidity because,
according to what he told us, he became infatuated with his boss at
work and was then later fired from the same job, something to do with
inappropriate dress I guess. Poor payment for ending this boy's life !"
He let that sink in. There was silence. Then he continued, "Did you know
your son talks to this toy ?" and motioned to Susan, "For advice and
'she' was the one that encouraged him to commit suicide in this manner ?
You tell me, doctor, is that normal behavior for a boy of 22-years old
do you think ?"
Dad bit his lip and lowered his head.
The doctor pushed harder, "What is YOUR prognosis, doctor !?" and shot
an angry glance to my Dad determined to grind him to dust.
Dad bit his lip but didn't say anything. The Dr proceeded shaking a
warning finger at my Dad, "And there's something else here too ! I don't
know what. Something he has never talked to anyone about because he's
so ashamed of it, from his past. I know it has to do with school and
bullies and I'd like to find out what that is too !"
Dad suddenly looked at me shocked. The Dr laughed, "Clearly something else you didn't know about."
Dad, defeated, went over to pat me comfortingly on my shoulder cause I
was obviously getting upset at seeing my own doctor raising his voice
angrily at him, and wanted to appear helpful at this point.
The Dr continued in Dad's silence, "If your son can't handle simple
trivia that life can throw at him like this - not without getting so
upset that he tries to kill himself, what chance does he have in the real world ?"
He
let that sink in, then added almost pleading, "I'm offering him a real
chance here ! Where I can talk to him about his fantasies and his fears
and try to understand where they came from, starting with this - DOLL !"
And then he started to pull Susan out of my lap but I wouldn't have that
and I started chattering my teeth in that weird manner and screaming at
him.
"No, she's mine ! I'll kill you !" I shrieked angrily and clutched her
closer to my chest, and I would. I wanted blood, right then, NO ONE MESSED WITH SUSAN !!
The Dr looked at me with unblinking and wide eyes, a curious smile on
his face like he wasn't remotely frightened at my outburst at all, but
like I was being observed under a microscope and reacted precisely as he
wanted. He WANTED me to act this way and I did !
"That's enough goddamit !" my Dad yelled back defensively to the other
doctor seeing I was clearly being experimented on with for the sake of
proving his point.
Dad shook his head and continued defensively, "You do not understand ! David's - special - he's very bright, just sometimes - sensitive. And I'm taking him out of this ward, NOW because it's clear to me now you just want to exploit him !"
* * *
The Dr looked angry now and his bottom chin trembled a bit but didn't deny what he said which I thought was odd.
My doctor then said in a quieter voice and narrowed eyes, "You have that right," and then added in a sarcastic tone, "DOCTOR."
He turned his head for a moment, I guess lost in thought. But then whirled around and pointed an accusational finger at Dad, "But only because, as you so easily mentioned, SUPERCEDE my authority."
He sat back at his desk as if looking over complex paperwork. "Whatever.
If you don't care about the safety or well-being of your son, that's
your business. It will - take me a week or so - to get his things ready
for his dismissal from the hospital."
"And
I want to talk to him during that time too, to see if I can get him to
see REASON and stay with us for continued therapy since you obviously
won't see the need for this yourself."
Then he met my eyes and I saw the kindness in them again, "David. You
NEED to stay with us. It's for your own good. You're safe here. No-one
will ever hurt you again, do you understand this ? You'll always be safe
here. Both of you."
"Yessir ?" I said, but it was a question, because I was confused then
cause I knew he tried to take Susan away from me so my head hurt and
tremored like the bones in my neck were vibrating again.
Dad narrowed his eyes in disgust at my Dr's 'kindness' and raised his
voice again, glad to be back in control, "Nossir ! You have exactly
48-hours to get his personal clothes and items and paperwork in order or
I am making this a LEGAL matter for the courts to decide !" and Dad bomped the side of his chair with his hand hard.
My Dr clenched his fist additionally and threatened to slam it down
himself, but caught himself and instead got up from his chair and walked
out of the office with both hands raised up ahead of him, as if he was
pushing through a wall. He left the room without saying anything further
either to me or Dad and left us both alone, apparently having lost the
argument.
"Andrew." my Dad said after a moment of uncomfortable silence, "We're
going to get you out of here and you're going to stay with your sister,
until - you're over this. Okay ?"
"OK, Dad ?" I said, but I didn't know if that would really help. I
wanted to add something else but I couldn't think of anything. So I sat there with my mouth open, unable to speak.
But apparently it was enough. "Good boy." he said and patted me on the
head. "I need to go, you'll be out of here soon, especially away from
HIM !" and he motioned over his shoulder to my own Dr Then Dad got up
suddenly and stepped out, leaving me in the office, with more questions
than answers.
A nurse came after a minute and politely escorted me from the office
back to the living room where there was a TV show on everyone was
watching. Gilligan's Island ! Now THAT show I could definitely relate to
!
As I watched the show a nurse came out, asking to look into my eyes
again with a pen flashlight. I thought it was odd because she didn't do
that to anyone else, and she wrote down her findings on a clipboard
before leaving me to finish my show.
But did I really want to stay here ? I saw the piano in a corner and
that was great and I had played it a few times to the enjoyment of the
doctors and nurses there.
But at what COST would it be to my freedom if I decided to stay here ??
END
OF CHAPTER 15
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