01. Middle age is is simply when your age starts to show around your middle.
02. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
03. The road to success is always under construction.
04. If there is a Will, there are 500 relatives trying to claim it.
05. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms !
06. When everything's coming your way, you're obviously in the wrong lane.
07. Death is hereditary. Blame your ancestors.
08. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
09. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
10. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
11. The greatest puzzle is that everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
12. I stopped fighting my inner demons, were on the same side now.
13. Well-behaved women rarely make history.
14. He who laughs last just plain didn't get it.
15. We live in an age where pizza delivery gets to your home before police for a crime.
16. I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
17. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
18. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
19. It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility !
20. Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
21. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 yet a substantial tax cut save you only 30 cents ?
22. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off of it next Tuesday.
23. A word to the wise is never necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice they can get.
24. The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
25. Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
26. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated into the collective.
27. If you can’t live without me then why aren't you dead yet ?
28. If you can't beat them, make plans and take out a contract to have them beaten later.
29. Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
30. Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people.
31. Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter.
32. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family living in another city.
33. A true psychic wouldn't have to ask you for your name.
34. I get all the exercise I need from daily pushing my luck.
35. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep in.
36. As a parent you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say later will be misquoted, then used against you.
37. The more people I meet in this world, the more I realize how much I like my dog better.
38. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
39. I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve EVER made.
40. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
41. The news is this funny TV show where they start by saying "Good Evening" and then proceed to tell you why it’s not.
42. GOD may have created the world, but everything else is made in wonderful China.
43. Those who throw dirt in life only lose ground.
44. Error. No keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
45. Birthdays are surprisingly good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most, live the longest.
46. Change in life is good, but dollars are better.
47. 1492: Native Americans discover Columbus who got lost at sea.
48. Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door !
49. There may be no I in Team, but there is definitely one in WIN.
50. Those who criticize our generation seem to forget who raised it.
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