TNP 29 "Magic Tricks"

A Chapter by dw817

I marveled at the implications. Gosh, if he could really do levitation, he could just wiggle his fingers, hum, and the laundry would float right off the clothes line straight into the basket !

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THE NANCY PRINCIPLE

My time in working for the government during the Savings & Loan Crisis of 1990 with a beautiful
woman who took care of absolutely everything for me in my employ. And I mean EVERYTHING.

© August 2013 Written by David Wicker
Please do not reprint without permission

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CHAPTER 29 - MAGIC TRICKS

* * *

This chapter is Rated: TEEN

Alone with Smithers finally, I had to ask him, "Say guy, would you like to work for Tricia too ?"

He stood more erect, if that was possible. I really hadn't guessed how tall he would be if someone asked me. All I would be able to answer would be, "Gosh, he's really TALL !"

"Suh !" he said a little rebuffed, "I =AM= working for the miss, offter owl !"

I shook my head, "Nono ... I mean AFTER today. You're just supposed to be the chauffeur for today, right ?"

"Yes suh." he said in a slightly hurt tone and then added in a strangely querying one a moment later, "Do yuh loike meh ?"

I laughed, "Well sure, Smithers. I mean, if it were up to me, I'd hire you in a minute." then I looked down at my shoes seeing one was a little wet from -earlier- I immediately darted down to dry it with a napkin. "But that's not my decision." I added a moment later.

He nodded thoughtfully. We sat back down to our meal and heard a sudden outcry from the bathroom.

"You want to WHAT !?" I heard Tricia yell, her voice echoing nicely around the tiles in the women's restroom.

"Work for you, miss." I heard Judy's tremulous and quavering voice, clearly not as loud as Tricia's.

"What on Earth could you possibly do for me !?" Tricia screeched, likely smirking although I couldn't see it from here.

But Judy was not to be put off so easily, "Tricia is it ? Ma'am, I saved your soon-to-be husband's life ! What's his name ? David ! Isn't that worth something in your book, to save his life like that ?"

Then it got quiet in the restroom as Tricia lowered her voice and apparently Judy's did as well and then they ran the water from both sinks apparently to cover up their conversation so we couldn't hear them any further.

I saw Tricia's purse set aside and the calculator in it was still turned on. I snuck a peek and saw it wasn't just zeroes but there were 4 decimal places in her final calculation. Clearly she was going to be quite accurate with what we could and could not do with the money.

I breathed a sigh of relief when suddenly both girls exited the restroom to approach us again. Tricia was the first to speak and it was clearly directed towards me.

"David, I don't EVER want to see you prying into my personal affairs again." for a moment I thought she was referring to the fact I was looking at her calculator, trying to figure out what she was adding up.

But then her voice softened correcting me in that assessment, "However. You have made a good judgment call here so YES, Judy will be in our employ. She'll - keep you out of trouble, and do laundry, and - " she looked at Judy, "whatever else I decide for that matter."

"At a reasonable pay, of course." Judy chirped, determined she was not going to get short-handed here.

"Yes, at a reasonable - " but then was distracted by Smithers who was smiling right at her like the cat who swallowed the canary, beak and all, and couldn't be happier.

"Do you have a problem, Smithers ?" she asked, clearly not at all liking the look he was giving her.

"What about me, Mom ?" he asked in a weak tone.

"What do you mean what about you ? What ? Just what =ARE= you going on about, Smithers ?"

"Wouldn't yuh hire me uz well een yore emplow ?" he looked to her expectantly, but Tricia had apparently hired all the people she planned today.

"I think two people is enough for now." she said, and then added a moment later, "Yes, I already thought of someone else for the 2nd position, and it's not you." And then added angrily, "But that doesn't concern you, Smithers !"

"That still leaves one." Smithers reminded her, determined to get this position.

"Yes, and =YOU= don't get it unless you can show me something impressive like Judy did when she knew the Heimlich Maneuver. That kind of skill could be useful for David's future - " and she paused to cough it out, "carelessness !"

I squirmed uncomfortably at this. I wasn't that careless, I mean, when Judy curtsied, that was just priceless ! I grinned again, remembering the scene.

Smithers was quiet for a moment and I suspected he actually did not know the life-saving maneuver or he might've mentioned it right then. Suddenly a new smile appeared on his face as if Father Christmas had blessed him for next year's grace.

"How about a magic trick then ?" he offered mysteriously.

"For employment with me !?" Tricia couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Yus." He said finally. I leaned over the table, my elbows grinding in the table, clearly interested in what he was going to do next.

* * *

"You're serious ?" she asked, surprised anyone would seemingly lower himself this much just to get a job, but perhaps being a chauffeur for a company was not all it was cracked up to be.

"Yeah !" I added, with both my eyes glued on him, "Show me a magic trick, Smithers ! If you can impress me, then he gets the job, okay Trish ?" I glanced back at her with a pleading look in my eyes.

Tricia however had already started hungrily back into her salad, apparently trying to sweep this whole ugly day behind her, "Yeah, whatever." she said with a mouthful of lettuce and waved her hand away like shooing at a fly.

Smithers, seeing he had the center stage directed his eyes to me, "Watch this, suh ! I think you will be moist improssed !"

Then he took his cloth napkin, showed me both sides of it, no tricks now. And then dramatically draped it over his dinner roll which I noticed was in the center of his plate.

He then wiggled his pinky fingers at both sides of the napkin to show that he was still holding on to it by it's edges. He made a low hum with his throat and suddenly and miraculously, the dinner roll in the center started to float up under the napkin !

There was NO WAY he could do that ! His fingers were still in plain sight at the far edges of the napkin, nowhere near the roll. Just then he stopped humming, as if his throat caught on something, and the dinner roll fell down hard against the plate again, but I couldn't believe what I saw earlier !

"Levitation !" I spoke breathlessly, more than impressed. I had heard in order to do true levitation you needed a chant or a mantra. Maybe that was what he was doing here ?

"Yes suh." Smithers said, rather pleased with himself. Even Judy, who had pulled up a chair was watching, marveling at how he was doing this incredible feat.

"Again ?" Smithers offered to me.

"Yes, please !" I spoke just about the same time Judy said encouragingly, "Yeah ! I wanna see that again, too !"

He smiled, seeing he had a bit of an audience. Tricia groaned from her spot but we all ignored her. Smithers was still holding onto the edges of the napkin. There was no way possible his fingers could be lifting the roll because they were so far apart.

This time he wiggled all of his fingers outside the napkin to get our attention. He was now only holding on to the napkin with both thumbs and forefingers.

Then, he started to hum. But nothing happened. He nodded his head towards me. Apparently I needed to hum too, to help him with this magic, so I did. Judy joined in eagerly. Tricia clackled her fork hard into the glass bowl, obviously disturbed at all 3 of us humming to get that darned dinner roll to float again.

But just like before, the dinner roll under the napkin rose up magically again, higher this time. Higher than his fingers that were still holding onto the edges of the napkin ! It was a wonderful trick !

I was beginning to believe he had a little wire somehow on the cloth napkin and was raising it with his foot. I snuck a quick glance under the table but he feet were curled up, preventing that theory of mine. Maybe he really was doing it ??

Maybe it was magic !

I marveled at the implications. Gosh, if he could really do levitation, he could just wiggle his fingers, hum, and the laundry would float right off the clothes line straight into the basket ! Or - or he could juggle balls without ever touching them. My mind raced ahead like wildfire of what could be done with his skills !

I realized I still had my fork in my hand so I set down on the table to my right, near Tricia, so I could free both hands and applauded loudly at his mastery of levitation. Even Judy nodded her head appreciatively at the amazing feat and laughed at how incredible it appeared.

Tricia suddenly picked up my fork to look at it intensely as if coming to a decision or something. Then, determined to break up the magic mood asked in a sarcastic tone, "Where's YOUR fork, Smithers ?"

Smithers' face, which was suddenly beaming brightly with pride, right then paled and he squeaked out fearfully, "Mom ?"

Without waiting for an answer, Tricia reached over and pulled away Smithers' napkin showing that he had the dinner roll pierced in the center with his fork and on the edges where he held the napkin, between his left thumb and forefinger, he was gingerly holding the tip of the fork to make the roll rise.

"Aww ..." I said disappointedly, but I wasn't going to let her ruin this, "It impressed me, he's hired, right ?" I said.

Tricia threw Smithers' napkin back at him disgustedly and clanged her own fork noisily back in her salad bowl while holding my own fork in front of her face like it was a shield and then faced me, "It's a stupid parlor trick, David ! A stupid STUPID trick ! Do you REALLY want Smithers' to work with us, all because he can," and she raised her voice louder, "make bread float !?"

I was a little upset by her tone of voice but I answered back immediately, "Well, yeah ! I mean - you saw what he did, right ? And you did agree after all !"

Tricia sighed uncomfortably, then looked at Smithers' who was quietly eating his steak knowing to leave well enough alone at this point.

"Smithers ?" she asked, holding the fork with her other hand like she threatened to jab it into his shoulder if he didn't answer the right way.

* * *

"Yus, Mom ?" he spoke quietly, still looking down at his plate and unable to look her in the eyes.

"Have you ever been a gardener before ?"

He looked up and nodded, "Yus Mom, in my prahveeus job ah wuz an hayk-shoo-lent - "

She twirled the fork in her hand and interrupted him, "Fine. Ever cooked for anyone before ?"

He spoke a little quicker this time, "Yus, I cooked mee-yels evor day for thuh Barnestone Estate when I - "

She interrupted him again, tossing the fork back on my plate, "Fine, you're hired. Happy, David ?"

"Yay !" I yelled. I knew I sounded like a kid, but despite his neat magic trick he was certainly mature and I suspected he would let me know if Tricia was doing anything bad to the money - or me, once I was married to her.

"I'll be right back." Judy said suddenly, skretching back in her chair, away from the table.

"Now where are you going ?" Tricia asked, determined to blame someone for her foul mood right now.

"I'm going to tell my boss to - kiss my a*s !" and she giggled at the mean statement. Tricia did something odd right then, she - smiled at her ??

I blanched, staring at Judy with a horrified look on my face, "You're - not serious are you ?" I finally squeaked out.

Judy grinned widely at me, "Boy ! I sure am ! I'm not gonna work in this dump anymore. Why, you wanna watch him do it ?" she offered wickedly.

I shook my head, looking down at my plate, trying hard to concentrate back on my meal and dismiss - what she just said.

"Owell." Judy said, sounding a little disappointed in seeing I wasn't going to follow her, and then left through the sliding wooden wall. Smithers suddenly coughed on a bit of steak, but I suspect he was just as shocked as I was by what she said.

Then I envisioned what she said. Now one of my main problems is, I took whatever anyone said LITERALLY. I was the last to get a joke, and often the first to be fooled by something. Surely she wouldn't -

Then Tricia spoke sharply interrupting my thoughts, determined to ruin SOMEONE's day before it finished, "David ! If you had cut your hamburger in two even pieces to begin with, you WOULDN'T have choked on it and had this problem to begin with !"

I thought about it for a second. No, that didn't make any sense, cause cutting it in half I still would've taken a big bite, and I always ate my hamburger with a fork once I had gotten a few solid bites out of it. But I didn't want to get her cross, especially since Smithers was hired. I wondered what other neat magic tricks he could show me !

But that was a shame he really didn't know levitation - and yet - so I put on a face and sighed defeatedly, "Yes ma'am."

Smithers enjoyed finishing his steak without so much as a glance or a word. Clearly he had dealt with other families, likely more dysfunctional than this. I gobbled down the rest of my burger and drank my coffee. Tricia nibbled and picked uninterestedly at her salad, obviously more upset about the future than I was.

After a moment of us all staring at each other waiting for the check, Judy finally re-arrived with a receipt and slapped it down on the table along with a $5 bill. Then her voice got serious, "Okay, your meal is paid for too. I took that out of my own pocket." Tricia nodded like she expected her to at this point.

"Anytime you guys are ready." Judy added bouncing on her heels. I took one more sip of my coffee, put my Gameboy back in my hospital back, made sure I had everything and got up off the bench with Tricia.

I just had to ask, "So did you - really tell your boss to ... ?" I couldn't finish the question to Judy.

She crinkled her eyes delightedly at me, "Boy ! I sure did !"

I had to go further, "So did he ..." I asked her, fearing the worst, also unable to finish this sentence.

But she was still in a great mood, her eyes getting wide with excitement she added louder, "Boy ! He sure di - "

But then Tricia interrupted her, smacking me on top of my head and spoke in a disgusted tone, "David ! What a thing to ask someone !"

"I was just curious." I asked innocently, rubbing the back of my head ruefully. Judy laughed at this and punched me gently sideways with her fist. Actually, NO I wasn't remotely curious, I just didn't think - well - who knows what went on in the workplace anymore.

I know something similar to this happened when I was employed at Whataburger years, working the graveyard shift, but I had done my best to forget about it. It happened other in school times, too.

I did notice half the waitresses at Denny's was looking at Judy as she left. Some seemed relieved and some gave her a look like it was about time she told the boss off and - whatever else happened in his office was between her and him.

In any case, we were walking out the front door and back into the parking lot.

Tricia spoke, "Did you want to follow us, dear ?" to Judy.

* * *

"No ma'am." she said, "I usualy have a ride pick me up, but I already called to tell them I have another job and I'll let them know about it later."

I thought more about what Judy said to her boss. This was what Barbara wanted me to do with her on my final day. To show respect to her and I guess to apologize. So, this was one more time I could add to my list of bizarre memories that apparently this was acceptable behavior, at least to some people.

And I knew the guys back in high school wanted me to do it with them too, in the locker room in P.E., with everyone watching, for the exact same reason.

They said this was my way of showing respect to them, as if it was perfectly normal behavior. And I really had to wonder about that.

But wasn't this bizarre act somehow - unsanitary ? I wrinkled my nose and rubbed it, thinking how strange customs are and can't we just shake hands and pat each other on the back to show someone is a better person or to apologize to them ? Maybe I could ask Judy about it later to find out for certain.

For some reason I really trusted her, certainly a lot more than Tricia whom I was now beginning to believe she was taking advantage of the fact I was so naive at work and put me in embarrassing situations deliberately for her amusement.

Smithers coughed again, I guess to bring our attention to more important issues. And there it was ! We came back to the limousine and with 6-windows, it was more than creepy to find that the one side I was sitting on had it's window cut out with a professional window cutter, a perfect circle, about 2-feet across !

Someone was looking for something, apparently in my seat or on the floorboard. The only thing that would've been there would have been -

I spoke out loud accusingly, "My Gameboy ! Somebody was after my Gameboy !"

Tricia scoffed at me, "David ! No-one is interested in your fool - gametoy." but then her voice took on a serious edge, "However, someone =WAS= looking for ..." and her voice trailed off as it went into deep thought.

I looked in my hospital bag. The only other things in there was Susan, apparently still asleep, my good coffee mug with the crystallized sugar permanently fused on the bottom, the note from my Dad, and the plastic fork from the hospital when I snorfed a slice of that cake.

What WERE they looking for ?

Shrugging, I went to the other side of the limousine, where Tricia was standing. Then I said, "Trish, why don't you go in the door where I was sitting. Then when we park again, =IF= someone was after what was in my hospital bag, they'd cut THIS side of the window, right ? And we'll know they were after something in my bag then, right ?"

She guffawed disgustedly, "David ! That is the most cockamamie logic I have =EVER= heard ! Imagine." but then she took my hospital bag and looked around in it, finding only what I did. Finding nothing spectacular she reluctantly returned it back to me. "Just be quiet for a minute, will you, dear ?"

Smithers spoke from a kneeled position at the other side examining the cut in the window, "Thus is un Ace 283 Cutter that made this. Thot is seree-yus hindeed."

(and from here on in, just make the assumption Smithers is speaking with a thick British accent will ya ? cause it's hard for me to keep writing like this) :)

Tricia walked over to the other side of the limousine, interested in what he was saying.

"How would you know this ?" she finally asked suspiciously as he looked at the hole again.

But he was quick to answer, "Mom ! Prior to working as a chauffeur, I worked for the British Secret Service. But you can only work there until you reach 40. Clearly I have and was let go with full honors and marks ! God save the queen !"

I smiled, delightedly. So not only was he a magician but he was in the secret service ! Could I have a better butler ??

Then Smithers looked down at the opening again, "But - this is no ordinary cut, Mom ! It was done by a professional." He rolled his finger around the cut, curiously not hurting his finger. "And you can't buy that kind of equipment here in the states. Clearly SOMEONE, but I don't know who, is after - something - the pair of you have !"

Tricia nodded grimly, then looked in her own purse. Maybe they were after the document on the terms and contract of the million dollars I received from insurance ? Looking around to see if anyone was watching, she pulled out the document, folded it a little more and then taking her foot out of her high-heeled shoe, stuck it on the bottom and put her foot back down on it.

"You think it might be this ?" Smithers asked in a concerned tone.

"Likely." Tricia replied, a little worriedly, but didn't hint at what it was. "In any case, let me drop this off at the house, I'll stick it in the safe, and then we'll go shopping."

"Where ?" I asked, still a bit concerned we were spending too much money.

But Tricia faced me with an alarming and gracious smile, "For YOU, sweetie ! Don't you remember, you wanted a new computer to replace your old one, right ?"