01. A babysitter is a teenager who acts like an adult while the real adults go out and act like teenagers.
02. Dear Dora, how did you get that tiny shirt to fit over your giant bulbous head ? Sincerely, That's Scientifically Impossible.
03. I do several sit-ups in the morning, that is until my alarm clock won't let me hit the snooze button anymore.
04. I hate people who steal my ideas before I can think of them.
05. What are 3-words you never wanna hear while making love ? "Honey, I'm home !"
06. I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 15-minutes and they call me every half-hour to check up on me.
07. Fashion
is a funny thing. Girls spend hours deciding what to wear while guys
spend seconds visually undressing them when they arrive.
08. If
I was stranded on a desert island and could only bring one person, I'd
bring Dora. That crazy girl has everything in that backpack of hers.
09. Sometimes when my undies match the outfit I've chosen to wear, I feel my life is finally complete.
10. Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
11. That
awkward moment when you find you have whorfed down your entire medium
popcorn just at the opening credits of a movie you are starting to watch ...
12. That awkward moment when you misspell a word so bad your auto-correct seems to have uninstalled itself from your computer ...
13. That fearful moment when a car to the side of you pulls out and you freak thinking you're still rolling forward in yours ...
14. I hate when I'm about to hug someone I really and truly care for and wind up bumping my nose on the mirror.
15. I would enjoy NASCAR that much more if the racers drank as much as their fans did.
16. Don't do drugs cause if you do you'll go to prison, and the prices for them there are much higher there !
17. Mr. Krabs lives in Bikini Bottom. Now you think about that for a moment.
18. The awkward moment of pretending to read the Birthday card with interest after the $20 bill falls from of it ...
19. I can't afford a vacation so I'll just get drunk enough that I won't know where I am.
20. Smart phones, smart cars, when are the people who use them gonna be ?
21. Sex education in school may be a good thing for the kids, but I don't think they should be given homework.
22. Being fat does have it's advantages. You are that much harder to kidnap by ninjas.
23. Halloween may come once a year but it's clearly a daily event with the customers inside Wal-Mart.
24. How
am I supposed to make important life choices if I still count on my
fingers and have to sing my ABC's to find what letter comes next ?
25. Every
morning in Africa, a Gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than
the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a Lion wakes up.
It knows it must outrun the slowest Gazelle or it will starve to death.
So it doesn't matter whether you are a Lion or a Gazelle in this world
... when the sun comes up, you had better be running.
26.
Be careful who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child,
that makes you a pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit here and
get lectured to by a pervert.
27. Sex - the one thing that takes the least amount of time but causes the most amount of trouble.
28. Roses are red, that much is true, but violets are purple - not really blue. Just saying.
29. Good morning, Starshine ! The Earth says, "Hello."
30. When
someone hears another speak in a foreign language, 5% think that would
be an interesting language to learn. The other 95% swear they are being
talked about secretly and give them a serious look like they fluently
know the language.
31. I have no problem texting while speeding on the Freeway but I won't text climbing stairs, that's just too dangerous.
32. When a man talks dirty to a woman it's called sexual harassment. When a woman does the same it's called pay-per-minute.
33. Guys, this girl says if your jeans are skinnier then mine, then my gay friend wants to know if you'll go out with him.
34. Isn't it so much fun to do the impossible ?
35. That awkward moment when Pinocchio and Valdemort meet each other ...
36. The
awkward moment when you are arguing with a friend out camping in a tent
and you leave in a huff and try to logically figure out how to slam
that cloth flap noisily ...
37. That awkward moment when a 10-year old kid says, "Back when I was a kid ..."
38. Dear Google, could you sit beside me on my next major exam ? Sincerely, Every Student.
39. You think you're having a bad day ? Imagine a T-Rex trying to twiddle his thumbs.
40. Why do we feel so safe under the blankets ? Isn't that the first place a ninja looks for someone ?
41. No officer, my speech isn't slurred. I'm talking to you in cursive.
42. How much more honest people would be if their pants really did catch on fire, Pryde.
43. Everything in the world is funny - just so long as it is happening to someone else.
44. Someone once told me I was immature. Well that's it - they're not allowed in my treehouse !
45. All my life I thought air was free - until I bought a bag of potato chips.
46. It's not that I'm so smart - I just stay with the problem longer than most.
47. Number one rule of dieting: If it tastes good, spit it out.
48. When you are a teenager, "No" oddly enough is a complete and definitive sentence.
49. Teacher: "Do you want to spend lunch in my class ?" Student: "Are you asking me out for a date ?"
50. The early bird indeed may get the worm, but it is the =2nd= mouse that actually gets the cheese.
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