Wit & Wisdom - October 14th 2013

Wit & Wisdom - October 14th 2013

A Chapter by dw817
"

Orbiting this galactic star is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.

"

  W&W October 14th 2013  

 

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01. Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea. ― Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy


02. It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.


03. Living on Earth may be expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every day.


04. When worlds collide. A battle between an Enterprise security team who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers who can't hit the broad side of a planet ?


05. There's a knob on my TV called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work, my shows are still stupid.


06. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.


07. "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this ? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." ― A. Einstein


08. Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.


09. Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess told Winston Churchill in a rage, "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison." To which he replied, "If I =WERE= your husband, madam, I should drink it."


10. I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has typed gibberish all over it and inadvertently put your name at the top. ― English Professor grading a student's report


11. Anarchists of the world, unite !


12. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.


13. "I am the terror that flaps in the night !" ― Darkwing Duck


14. Redundant book title, "Windows 8 For Dummies"


15. When I read about the evils of drinking I decided right then and there I would quit - quit reading altogether.


16. He who laughs last thinks slowest.


17. Why is abbreviation such a long word ?


18. Ever stop to think and forget to start up again ?


19. It takes 46 muscles in your face to express disapproval with a frown - but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.


20. Don't be so open-minded that your brain falls out.


21. All my life I really wanted to be someone; umm - I guess I should of been more specific.


22. Ambition is a poor excuse for not being lazy.


23. I won't hate you in the morning - I'll save that for noon.


24. It's you and me against the world, kid. So what time do we attack ?


25. Your family's future lies in your hands ! ― Restroom graffiti



26. Philosophy throughout the ages:

"To be is to do." ― I. Kant

"To do is to be." ― A. Sartre

"Do-be-do-be-do." ― F. Sinatra

"Yabba-dabba-doo !" ― F. Flintstone


27. "There is no justice, there's only me !" ― J. Dredd


28. "If you only knew the power of the dark side !" ― D. Vader


29. "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." ― Western Union memo (1876)


30. "Computers in the future may weigh less than 1.5 tons." ― Popular Mechanics (1949)


31. "All imaginable inventions have already been invented." ― C. Duell, manager, American Patent Agency (1899)


32. A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and then later sends you a bill for his services.


33. 1928, Charles King was re-elected President of Liberia. His opponent claimed the vote was rigged as he was beat him by 60,000 votes - yet only 15,000 people were eligible to vote at the time.


34. The great and original film comedian, Charlie Chaplin, once entered a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like contest for a laugh. To his surprise he did not win.


35. The moon can't fall down because it is in orbit. An orbit is the interaction of a combination of forces - such as gravity, inertia, and centrifugal that result in a perfect balance. Nevertheless to be on the safe, it is a good idea to stay indoors as much as possible.


36. Lady Astor once announced to Winston Churchill, "You sir, are drunk !" to which he replied, "Yes, and you madame, are ugly, but tomorrow I will be sober."


37. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I - think I've forgotten this before.


38. In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Yet Ever so often I would still flick it on and off just to make sure it keeps working.


39. While on the other hand, you have an entirely different set of fingers.


40. There are no stupid questions. Put your hand down.


41. Cinderella's slippers were originally made out of fur, not glass. The story was changed in the 1600s by a mistranslation.


42. Sherlock Holmes never did say, "Elementary, my dear Watson."


43. Lower the age of puberty !


44. Support wildlife, promote orgies !


45. For those of you who seem to think life is a joke, just wait till you get to the punchline.


46. For centuries to come, many years will pass.


47. It's a very fine line that separates first class from half-assed.


48. Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.


49. "You wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked upon a harpsichord singing, 'Subtle Plans Are Here Again.' " ― Edmund Blackadder


50. Anagrams reveal secret messages ! Here is the proof:


Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lots in 'em
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarm = Alas! No More Z's
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one





Which of these can you relate to ?



See you next week with 50 more !

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© 2013 dw817


Author's Note

dw817
Which of these can you relate to ?

My Review

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Reviews

He who laughs last thinks slowest. :) That explains other people. :)

Posted 6 Years Ago


I can relate to all of them. I have thousands of these I collected over a multi-year period when I belonged to numerous UNIX/LINUX/Solaris/AIX/techy_nerd bulletin boards and technical forums. They are so much fun. I particularly like the Winston Churchill and Lady Astor ones and Blackadder -- there can be no comparative character to equal Blackadder. Of course a lot of the quips I have are tech based but they are still a hoot. This was fun.

Posted 6 Years Ago


they all made me laugh so hard this is very clever i think 20 is my favorite

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Well she shouldn't feel bad. I saw a duck crossing sign when me and Dad were driving to the babysitt.. read more
K. Hicks

6 Years Ago

*giggles I know! and i cant help but ta love her :D I wouldnt want her any other way
dw817

6 Years Ago

Sometimes it's the only way to learn about life. *Gentle Smile*
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Loved this for the word play, and the Blackadder one was pretty funny too.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Pryde Foltz

6 Years Ago

Very funny. I am a huge fan of the Blackadder series---all four.
dw817

6 Years Ago

You've seen the Christmas Special then, right ? That one was especially memorable for me. :)
Pryde Foltz

6 Years Ago

It is a little foggy, but I think so yes.
I like the ones you start off with. LOL Especially the star trek vs Star Wars line. too funny!

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Really ? I honestly didn't know if that Star Trek one would be clever or not. I think I need to rewo.. read more

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Added on October 14, 2013
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Tags: davidw, Douglas Adams, orbiting the Earth, statistics, expensive living, free vacation, Enterprise, Star Wars, stormtroopers, frontal lobotomy, pull it's tail, Albert Einstein, Winston Churchill, Nancy Astor

Wit & Wisdom


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dw817
dw817

Fort Worth, TX



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