01. Don't question GOD, as he may say, if you are so eager for answers, then please come on up.
02. When I say 'I'm sorry,' It usually disarms them.
03.
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride
changed her mind. "What do you mean ?" responded her mother. The little
girl replied, "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back
with another ?"
04. But what is a kiss ? To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid, charity.
05. I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.
06. Sometimes
I lie awake at night, and I ask the voice, "Where have I gone wrong ?"
Then the voice politely says to me, "This is going to take more than one
night to answer."
07. Never
approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal.
There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of
dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive.
08. Do what you can today so you can relax tomorrow.
09. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
10. Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong.
11. Can you imagine a world without men ? There would be no crime and lots of happy, fat women.
12. Men
marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with
the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
13. Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you at next.
14. Those who live by the sword, die by those who carry a pistol instead.
15. You
can't leave footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your
butt. And who wants to leave butt-prints in there anyways ?
16. A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
17. I
was walking home one night and came across a guy hammering on my
neighbor's roof and called me a paranoid schizophrenic In Morse Code.
18. The face of a child can say it all, especially from the mouth.
19. Love
is a wonderful thing. You never have to take it away From one person to
give it to another. There's always more than enough to go around.
20. We
the unwilling, following the unknowing, are doing the impossible. We
have done so much for so long with so little that we are now able to do
anything with absolutely nothing.
21. Some people admire my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of actually listening to and following it.
22. In the future everybody will be world famous for fifteen minutes.
23. Without
question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh,
I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel
does not go nearly as well with pizza.
24. Women say all men are the same, but they have no problem telling you how different you are from Mel Gibson.
25. One should learn to love animals. They all taste good with ketchup.
26. It's pretty hard to pull your foot out of your mouth when your head is already up your a*s.
27. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
28. One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.
29. Weird people are like chocolate cake. Some people just can't handle the richness.
30. A bachelor is a selfish son-of-a-b***h who has cheated some poor woman out of a useful and expensive divorce.
31. As
the traffic light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch
of honking and screaming people ? Sometimes it seemed that way.
32. If
toast always lands butter-side down, and a cat always land on its feet,
then what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it ?
33. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small red stain on the outside covering.
34. Forgive those who hurt you, but break their heads if they do it again !
35. Serious
sports have nothing to do with fair play. They are bound up with
hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, and disregard of all the rules.
36. He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.
37. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me a hot girl already.'
38. Most
women like me complain about the premenstrual cycle, but I think of it
as the only time of the month that I can actually be myself.
39. I
can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I
can picture us attacking that perfect little world, because they'd
never see it coming.
40. I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls.
41. When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout ! It's always worked for me.
42. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so very ingenious these days.
43. It's my world, you all just happen to be living in it, and that can change.
44. If you were everything a woman wanted, she wouldn't want you anymore.
45. I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwords.
46. It's
easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess
that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back
and forth, wanting that money.
47. You are only young once. That is all society can stand out of you.
48. Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.
49. If
you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
50. When things are down it'll all turn around. When things are up, you gotta throw the hammer down.
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