Wit & Wisdom - January 13th 2014

Wit & Wisdom - January 13th 2014

A Chapter by dw817
"

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

"

  W&W January 13th 2014  

 

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Note, there may be some repeats. It's getting a little tricky for me to remember which ones I posted and haven't. There's also a good chance I'll be  taking off next week, outside of answering comments and PMs, so I'll have more time to work on this RPG engine.


01. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.


02. "You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you !" ― Monty Python & The Holy Grail


03. It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.


04. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.


05. A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and wish you hadn't.


06. Car service: If it ain't broken, we'll fix it.


07. If Darwin's theory of evolution was correct, cats would be able to operate a can opener by now.


08. I'll rock your world !


09. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."


10. Gravity always wins in the end.


11. If you can read this, then you're close enough that I can slam on my brakes and sue you for all you're worth. ― Bumper sticker


12. One good turn gets most of the blankets.


13. The greatest definition of success is the progressive realization of a worthy goal.


14. Even a blind pig finds an acorn every now and then.


15. Those who never quit are winners; and those who never win are quitters. But those who never win nor quit, are idiots.


16. Time is what keep things from happening all at once.


17. I like my sugar with coffee and cream.


18. Having a good boyfriend is like having a good bra. It's all about support.


19.

The moon may kiss the stars so high.
The sun may kiss the bright blue sky.
The dew may kiss the morning grass.
But you my friend, can kiss my a*s.


20. Just because you're stupid doesn't mean I'm lying.


21. Always check for ferrets before sitting down.


22. You can confuse any Stoner with one question: "Wait. What was it we were we just talking about ?"


23. Money does indeed talk, I heard mine yell "So long, sucker !" when I bought something expensive for my girlfriend.


24. Smile, it's the 2nd next best thing your lips can do.


25. There is nothing wrong with you that the trifling matter of a brain transplant can't cure.


26. Life's a beach. Surf it up !


27. Dancing in many cases is just a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.


28. Excuse me. But I think my Karma just ran over your Dogma.


29. If you want to survive in this world, you've got to know where your towel is. ― Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.


30. When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.


The Russians decided to use a pencil.


31. Sanity is the cold steel playground with no imagination.


32. I don't let facts cloud my opinions.


33. Sex is like math: add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don't multiply.


34. Why was 6 afraid of 7 ? Cause 7 8 (ate) 9.


35. I didn't attend the funeral but I did send a nice letter saying I approved of it.


36. Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.


37. Why do they used sterilized needles for lethal injections ?


38. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets ?


39. Why are there flotation devices under seats in airplanes instead of parachutes ?


40. Why do they put braille dots on drive up ATM machines ?


41. If 7-11 is open 24-hours a day, why do they have locks on the doors ?


42. How did a fool and his money get together anyways ?


43. How do you know when it is time to tune up your bagpipes ?


44. I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, and insanity for just anyone, but they've always worked for me.


45. Statistics are used by people who have no proof.


46. Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning "to rip a man's heart out through his wallet."


47. You'll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it !


48. Children today are such tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.


49. It is not that I trust you to do the job well. It is because I am too lazy to do it myself.


50.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.





Which of these can you relate to ?


See you next time with 50 more ...

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© 2014 dw817


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Featured Review

30. When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians decided to use a pencil.

Hahahaha


Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Yep, in the future you can just number the item in question and your thoughts on it. :)



Reviews

LOL @ #11. There's definitely some truth in that statement. The same thing applies to #7.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

I totally agree about the can-opener for cats. Man they'd drive me ragged always picking up tuna for.. read more
RealistMe

6 Years Ago

Anything is possible at this point.
30. When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians decided to use a pencil.

Hahahaha


Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Yep, in the future you can just number the item in question and your thoughts on it. :)

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636 Views
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Added on January 13, 2014
Last Updated on January 20, 2014
Tags: davidw, mean mother, Monty Python, Holy Grail, statistics, free trip, hangover, repair vehicle, theory of evolution, gravity, one good turn, I'll sue, worthy goal, winners, quitters, losers, you're lying

Wit & Wisdom


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dw817
dw817

Fort Worth, TX



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