01. Marriage is a 3 ring circus. You got the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
02. Fat people are harder to kidnap.
03. Due to economic conditions, the light at the end of the tunnel has been temporarily turned off.
04. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
05. Life is one of those things that most of us find very difficult to avoid.
06. You call me a freak like it's a bad thing.
07. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten by someone else.
08. While it may be true I wear the pants in the house, it is my wife who picks them out for me.
09. Love is a slow poison.
10. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
12. God put me on earth to do a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind I'll never die. ― Calvin & Hobbes
13. Be nice to your children. For they will be choosing your nursing home over time.
14. Knowledge pursues me, but I am faster.
15. Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love ! ― Woody Allen.
16. We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. ― Robin Williams.
17. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
18. Your problems are as big as you make them, and your solutions as simple as you want them to be.
19. Many times in life we are searching for rational reasons in believing the absurd.
20. Golf is an ineffectual attempt to put an elusive ball into an obscure hole with implements ill-adapted to the purpose.
21. God only made so many perfect heads; the remainder He covered with hair.
22. We don't have a town drunk. We all share the responsibility.
23. When you do something right, no one remembers. When you do something wrong, no one forgets !
24. Education: the path from smarmy know-it-all to uncertain questioning.
25. Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
26.
When God made little boys, He made them out of string.
He found he had a bit too much so he left a little thing.
When God made little girls, He made them out of lace.
He found out he didn't have enough so He left a little space.
27. If all else fails, lower your standards.
28. 'Tis far better to be pissed off, than to be pissed on.
29. As queer as a 3-dollar bill.
30. People who are fond of laws and sausages should not look too closely at how either are made
.
31. You're as useful as a screen door on a submarine !
32. One-by-one the penguins steal my sanity.
33. The more men I have met in my life the more I learn to understand the behavior of dogs.
34. I smile cause I have no idea what's going on.
35. Never underestimate the predictability of stupidity
36. Blessed are we who can laugh at ourselves, for we shall never cease to be amused.
37. Suburbs are places where they cut down the trees and name the streets after them.
38. Let's make like sheep and get the flock outta here
!
39. They say money can't buy you happiness but it sure makes misery a lot more bearable.
40. busywork:-(n) bus·y·work ; bize-wûrk' Activity, such as schoolwork or
office work, meant to take up time but not necessarily yield productive
results.
41. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
42. The yearning for sex is really a dyslexic search for love.
43. There are two choices in life: Stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
44. Optimists proclaim this is the best of all possible worlds to live in. Pessimists believe this statement to be true.
45. The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to have another beer.
46. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
47. A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
48. It's not the length nor is it the size, it's how many times you can make it rise !
49. Work harder: People on welfare depend on you.
50. This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier, U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, and Canadian authorities off
the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. The radio conversation was
released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 authorized by the
Freedom of Information Act.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH--OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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