Wit & Wisdom - March 17th 2014

A Chapter by dw817

The speed of light and it's difficulties are involved in trying to exceed it. You can't. Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news. (more)

W&W March 17th 2014

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01. One of the problems has to do with the speed of light and the difficulties involved in trying to exceed it. You can't. Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

The Hingefreel people of Arkintoofle Minor did try to build spaceships that were powered by bad news but they didn't work particularly well and were so extremely unwelcome whenever they arrived anywhere that there wasn't really any point in being there. ― Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

02. In the beginning, there was nothing. And the Lord said: 'LET THERE BE LIGHT' and there was still nothing, but at least now you could see it.

03. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

04. It's not God I dislike, It's his fan-club that gets me.

05. If anybody ever tells you you're one in a million, just realize that means there are 100 people just like you in China.

06. Chocolate is better than sex ! Anyone who says different, is either a MAN or has not had GODIVA.

07. I did not attend his funeral but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it.

08. The best way to get back at the man who steals your wife...is to let him keep her.

09. Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book about it. ― Ronald Reagan

10. Ever get that funny feeling that in life that when you are finally holding all the right cards, everyone else is instead playing chess ?

11. I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don't have to. ― Albert Einstein

12. But Marge, you being the cop makes you the man ! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed is simply a comfort thing. ― Homer Simpson

13. We found Jesus. He was behind the couch the whole time.

14. All people have the right to stupidity but some go out and abuse that privilege.

15. God gave man a penis and a brain, but only blood enough for one of them to work at a time.

16. Women who behave rarely make history.

17. I used to think that I was stupid, and then I met philosophers.

18. Probably the last man who knew how it worked had been tortured to death years before. Or as soon as it was installed. Killing the creator was a traditional method of patent protection.

19. To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. ― Oscar Wilde

20. Backpacking: an extended form of hiking in which people carry double the amount of gear they need, for half the distance they planned to go, in twice the time it should take.

21. But this is America ! Where we apologetically bastardize other countries' cultures in a gross quest for moral and military supremacy ! ― Gilmore Girls

22. A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

23. Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates.

24. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

25. If we had our way, most of us would choose the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

26. Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle it.

27. When looking for a lost item why do we say "I know it's going to be in the last place I look." Of course it's going to be in the last place you look, who finds something and keeps on looking for it ?

28. Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers. ― Richard Pryor

29. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do, their "practice ?"

30. I'm Zaphod Beeblebrox the first, my father was Zaphod Beeblebrox the second, my grandfather was Zaphod Beeblebrox the third and so on...there was an accident with a contraceptive and a time machine. ― Restaurant At The End Of The Universe

31. With all the grinding and humping in rap videos I think I need a condom just to watch.

32. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.

33. Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.

34. You've got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.

35. Kissing is a habit. Screwing is a game.

Guys get all the pleasure, chicks get all the pain.

The guy says he loves you, you believe that it is true,

but when your tummy starts to swell, he says to heck with you.

10 minutes of pleasure, 9 months of pain,

3 days in a hospital - a baby without a name.

The baby is a b*****d, the mother is a w***e.

This wouldn't have happened, if the rubber hadn't torn.

36. Horse power is how hard you hit the wall. Torque is how far you drag it behind you.

37. If TV is so bad for you, then why do they have them in every hospital bedroom ?

38. Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. ― Oscar Wilde

39. Fate is what you call it when you don't know who it is that is screwing you over.

40. I think vegetarians have it all wrong, whats this about being kind to animals, and then stealing their food behind their backs so they can all starve ...

41. I don't lie ... I just create new truths.

42. If football was any easier it would be cheerleading, If cheerleading was any smarter it would be band.

43. Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty and smelly and the pig really likes it.

44. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel. ― Homer Simpson

45. Drugs may be a road to nowhere, but the route is quite scenic.

46. You don't need to think, the government will do that for you.

47. The only news I'm interested in is from the Weekly Inquirer - 'Woman's bra bursts, 11 injured'. That kind of thing.

48. Only in America do we have a general in charge of the post office and a secretary in charge of defense.

49. The only way to overcome temptation is to get into it.

50. A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend.

This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you.

We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you.

But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

Which of these can you relate to ?