Wit & Wisdom - April 7th 2014

A Chapter by dw817

This weekend President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as, "the guy who invented the penny."

W&W April 7th 2014

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01. This weekend President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as, "the guy who invented the penny."

02. People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

03. I'm tired of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're headed, and meet up with them later.

04. The road to success is filled with women pushing their husbands along.

05. It's better to be a smart-a*s than a dumb-a*s.

06. Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I returned the favor and started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

07. Why have kids when grandchildren are a lot more fun.

08. Men can lose money chasing women but they will never lose women chasing money.

09. I'm from a little place called England ... We used to run the world before you.

10. I spend a lot of money on booze, girls and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.

11. It doesn't matter how bad your English is, as long as your scotch is good ...

12. The helmet is one of the least effective inventions of mankind. It's designed to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly as to be unable to prevent itself from being cracked open on its own.

13. The more patience you have with life, the more likely it is to run with you than over you.

14. Give a man a fish and it will feed him for a day, give the lazy man a fishing rod and he will sell it for more fish, or burn it for firewood.

15. I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

16. I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.' ― Eleanor Roosevelt

17. Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will.

There is no need to remind him every six months about it.

18. Don't take life too seriously. You'll never escape it alive anyways.

19. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

20. All racists who are prepared to die for their country, please do that now.

21. It's better to be a lil bit crazy then a lil bit smart.

22. It is not possible to ski through a revolving door.

23. Assassins do it from behind.

24. Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

25. Flee at once, all is discovered !

26. My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours.

I didn't realize that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end."

So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction."

27. In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: Magic and bullshit.

28. I drink to make other people interesting.

29. Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.

30. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?

A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

31. I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

32. If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.

33. Americans never recognize an idea unless it has white wings or a forked tail.

34. Quoting: the act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

35. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast.

36. It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.

37. Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.

38. Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. ― Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

39. A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and wish you hadn't.

40. The first thing to realize about parallel universes... is that they are not parallel. It is also important to realize that they are not, strictly speaking, universes either, but it is easiest if you don't try to realize it until a little later, after you've realized that everything you've realized up to that moment is not true. ― Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

41. A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and wish you hadn't. ― Andy Capp

42. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

43. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

44. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word ?

45. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again ?

46. Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.

47. THERE'S NO JUSTICE. THERE'S ONLY ME. ― Judge Dredd

48. With a rubber duck, one is never alone.

49. If you only knew the power of the dark side of the force. ― Darth Vader

50. An Animated Cartoon Theology:

People are animals.
The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
Life is antagonistic to the living.
The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.