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Wit & Wisdom - April 28th 2014

Wit & Wisdom - April 28th 2014

A Chapter by dw817

There cannot be a crisis next week ! My schedule is already full. ― Henry Kissinger


  W&W April 21st 2014   


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01. There cannot be a crisis next week ! My schedule is already full. ― Henry Kissinger

02. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

03. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. ― Albert Einstein

04. As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

05. A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

06. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. ― Mark Twain

07. If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. ― Albert Einstein

08. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

09. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

10. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. ― George Carlin

11. A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. ― Jerry Seinfeld

12. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. ― Rodney Dangerfield

13. Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

14. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. ― W. C. Fields

15. It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

16. I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

17. By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.

18. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

19. Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

20. I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. ― Woody Allen

21. Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

22. I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. ― Douglas Adams

23. A kid will run any errand for you, if you ask him or her at bedtime.

24. If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

25. Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. ― Ronald Reagan

26. My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

28. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

29. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

30. If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

31. A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

32. There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

33. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

34. One picture is worth 1,000 denials. ― Ronald Reagan

35. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves ?

36. They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

37. Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

38. When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.

39. Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. ― Erma Bombeck

40. I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

41. The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

42. I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

43. There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

44. Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

45. In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

46. Never have more children than you have car windows. ― Erma Bombeck

47. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. ― Mel Brooks

48. Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. ― Bill Cosby

49. How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

50. Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

Which of these can you relate to ?

See you next time with 50 more ...

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"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese." or a wine. :P

Posted 7 Years Ago


7 Years Ago

Are you wining about the interpretation Mark ? *Grin* Yes, it should've said wine too. :)
27. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Posted 7 Years Ago


7 Years Ago

I'm not sure if this is referring to X-Ray vision like Superman or what, Avinash.
Truly if I h.. read more

7 Years Ago

Number 35 is something I've always wondered.

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