Wit & Wisdom - May 5th 2014

Wit & Wisdom - May 5th 2014

A Chapter by dw817
"

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

"

  W&W May 5th 2014   

  

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01. A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.


02. I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. ― Charles M. Schulz


03. Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. ― Phyllis Diller


04. A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.


05. Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.


06. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. ― Rodney Dangerfield


07. I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. ― Erma Bombeck


08. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question ? ― Lily Tomlin


09. It's simple. If it jiggles, it's fat. ― Arnold Schwarzenegger


10. He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. ― Zsa Zsa Gabor


11. Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.


12. Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. ― H. G. Wells


13. This shirt is dry clean only. Which means ... it's dirty.


14. The superfluous, a very necessary thing. ― Voltaire


15. I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.


16. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. ― Woody Allen


17. Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

18. A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.


19. I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair. ― Hillary Clinton


20. Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.


21. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch ?


22. If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.


23. You see much more of your children once they leave home. ― Lucille Balle


24. Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. ― Jerry Seinfeld


25. I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.




26. Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone ?


27.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.


28. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. ― George Burns


29. I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun. ― Arnold Schwarzenegger


30. I'm for whatever gets you through the night. ― Frank Sinatra


31. Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.


32. I failed to make the chess team because of my height. ― Woody Allen


33. Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.


34. California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. ― Fred Allen


35. Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.


36. I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.


37. TV is chewing gum for the eyes. ― Frank Lloyd Wright


38. If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.


39. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.


40. I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. ― Woody Allen


41. If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number ? ― Robin Williams


42. I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. ― Ellen Degeneres


43. The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.


44. One man's folly is another man's wife.


45. The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. ― Jay Leno

46. The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. ― Fred Allen


47. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.


48. If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat !


49. I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.


50. If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. ― George Burns



BTW, yesterday was "Star Wars" Day. May the 4th be with you ...





Which of these can you relate to ?

... next time with 50 more ...

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© 2014 dw817


My Review

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Featured Review

Hi there!

LOVED 35 especially!

I’d like to invite you to join our new writers’ community at http://www.inksty.com/ where you can upload this and more of your writing, and receive intuitive, in-depth feedback that will help you grow as a writer.

I apologise for not being able to spend the time helping individuals like yourself outside of inksty.com, but I found that I end up spending hours on writers who actually didn’t want my critiques, so I’ve now swapped to spending time helping the writers on inksty.com to further their abilities. I hope to see you there!

(P.S. there is also a competition at the moment, which runs until June, with a $1000.00 grand prize. Entries are free, all intellectual property remains yours – no catches, just join and enter!)


Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Hi Katreya. You are not the first person to relate and like #35.
As for the invitation, I appr.. read more



Reviews

Hi there!

LOVED 35 especially!

I’d like to invite you to join our new writers’ community at http://www.inksty.com/ where you can upload this and more of your writing, and receive intuitive, in-depth feedback that will help you grow as a writer.

I apologise for not being able to spend the time helping individuals like yourself outside of inksty.com, but I found that I end up spending hours on writers who actually didn’t want my critiques, so I’ve now swapped to spending time helping the writers on inksty.com to further their abilities. I hope to see you there!

(P.S. there is also a competition at the moment, which runs until June, with a $1000.00 grand prize. Entries are free, all intellectual property remains yours – no catches, just join and enter!)


Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Hi Katreya. You are not the first person to relate and like #35.
As for the invitation, I appr.. read more
I love Woody Allen and George Burns... in fact every one of these is great. My favorite this time though is from the chairman... I'm for whatever gets you through the night!

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

F. Sinatra worded that well. What woman wouldn't be enticed and interested in a statement like that .. read more
35. Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

I feel the same way about the videogame industry, Avinash. Gotta keep things mixed up to make it int.. read more
For number 26, my home phone number is one digit off from a local restaurant.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

You can certainly get your phone number changed. I had to do that with one eager prankster about a f.. read more

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Wit & Wisdom


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dw817
dw817

Fort Worth, TX



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