Wit & Wisdom - May 12th 2014

Wit & Wisdom - May 12th 2014

A Chapter by dw817
"

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

"

  W&W May 12th 2014   

  

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01. It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.


02. Television has changed the American child from an irresistible force to an immovable object.


03. If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.


04. That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.


05. If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.


06. Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.


07. Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.


08. When the sun comes up, I have morals again.


09. As I get older, I just prefer to knit. ― Tracey Ullman


10. In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.


11. My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ― Jimmy Durante


12. The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.


13. My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.


14. I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.


15. I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire. ― Roy Orbison


16. When you're eight years old nothing is your business.


17. The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

18. Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.


19. If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.


20. Never put a sock in a toaster. ― Eddie Izzard


21. Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini ?


22. Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.


23. Reality continues to ruin my life. ― Bill Watterson


24. He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.


25. The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. ― Jimmy Fallon




26. To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.


27.
I cannot sing, dance, or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. ― David Letterman


28. We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.


29. People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.


30. I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. ― Paul Lynde


31. One man is as good as another until he has written a book.


32. If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.


33. All my children inherited perfect pitch. ― Chevy Chase


34. I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.


35. When I was born I owed twelve dollars. ― George S. Kaufman


36. Only the mediocre are always at their best.


37. We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later.


38. I'm the only man in the world with a marriage license made out to whom it may concern. ― Mickey Rooney


39. I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.


40. One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.


41. There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God. ― Bill Cosby


42. Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. ― Stephen Hawking


43. Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.


44. There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.


45. It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.

46. Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children.


47. A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book. ― Ernest Hemingway


48. I think if everyone would write down the funny stories from their own childhoods, the world would be a better place.


49. It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean. ― Mae West


50. I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet. ― Angelina Jolie





Which of these can you relate to ?

See you next time with 50 more ...

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© 2014 dw817


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Reviews

The world sees her as one of the most beautiful alive but she thinks she looks odd. Wow

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

We all hold distorted views of ourselves. The mirror is oft cracked and twisted when our minds are a.. read more
45. It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

I was hesitant to include this one as - truly - it didn't make too much sense to me. But I have to l.. read more

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Wit & Wisdom


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dw817
dw817

Fort Worth, TX



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