Wit & Wisdom - July 14th 2014

Wit & Wisdom - July 14th 2014

A Chapter by dw817
"

10 signs your cat actually loves you. (more)

"

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  W&W July 14th 2014   

  

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01. 10 signs your cat actually loves you.


[1] Head bonking

[2] Powerful purrs

[3] Love bites

[4] Tail twitching at the tip

[5] Tummy up

[6] Licking your hair or ears

[7] Kneading

[8] Slow blinking

[9] Naps on or near you

[10] Gifting, like giving you a mouse


02. Finished the last row - with 6-inches of yarn to spare.


03. I know I don't have to be this sarcastic in life, but the world has given me so much material to work with ... and I'm just not one to be wasteful.


04. I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.


05. Marriage: so I can kiss you anytime I want.


06. When you are reading a book and you don't know how to pronounce a character's name - so you just substitute your own gibberish in your head.


07. There's a fine line between tanning and looking like you just rolled in Dorito's.


08. Dear shaving commercials: please stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress us, shave a bear.


09. Sometimes I use big words I don't always fully understand in an effort to myself sound more photosynthesis.


10. When people ask for the candy I'm eating, I usually give them the flavor I don't like.


11. I don't want to get married, I want to stay single. And let my hair flow into the wind as I ride through the glen, firing arrows into the sunset.


12. Whenever I have a stressful day, you're the only person I want to talk to. Which I know sucks for you, but you deal with it like a champ. And I appreciate that.


13. Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices, unless she hasn't done it.


14. You seem to be very well educated on stuff you made up.


15. My bucket list: Ice, Wine.


16. I love how in scary movies the person yells out, "Hello ?"as if the killer is going to be like, "Yeah, I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich ?"


17. In life, it's not where you go - it's who you travel with.

18. I always thought it's way more important to be funny or to be honest than to look a particular way.


19. I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.


20. You say, "Did you know that the iconic Valentine's Heart shape is not actually based on the shape of the human heart, but rather on the shape of the buttocks of a female bending over ?"


She says, "So I spent 7th Grade dotting my I's with little asses ?"


21. You had me at, "Bacon Wrapped."


22. I can't get you out of my head. Which is now becoming a problem because sometimes I have other things I need to be thinking about. Like what my name would be if I were a dragon.


23. I just bought $200 of grocery ... and then ordered pizza cause I don't feel like cooking after the hassle of buying groceries.


24. They say don't burn bridges you may later have to cross. I say I don't mind swimming if the bridge was already messed up to begin with.


25. "Batman, where does he get those wonderful toys ?"




26. I feel like everything in my life has led me to you. My choices, my heartbreaks, my regrets. Everything. And when we're together, my past seems worth it. Because if I had done one thing differently, I might never have met you.


27. I have been in forests less shady than you.


28. I miss the days when I was TOLD to put my head down on the desk.


29. I show affection for my pets by holding them up against me and whispering, "I love you." repeatedly while they struggle to break free.


30. God gave us friends to make up for our relatives.


31. On a scale of 1 to stepping on a LEGO, how much pain are you in ?


32. #You #are #ridiculous #with #your #annoying #and #unnecessary #use #of #hashtags.


33. Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Tuesday.


34. Step aside Coffee, this is a job for Alcohol !


35. Shopping at Target is like a casino, you lose time and money.


36. You can choose to live in the front row of life - or the third row.


37. I'm just going to put an, "Out Of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.


38. Dory the fish says, "Keep calm and just keep on ... keep on ... nope, lost it."


39. Ladies, guys are sick of hearing you ask where all the "nice guys" are. They're right there - in the friendzone - where you left them.


40. This bottle of wine doesn't have a suggested serving size printed on the label, so I'm just going to assume it's one serving.


41. Better to be a year older than a month late !


42. I am not judgmental. I just have excellent assessment skills.


43. Be nice to me for I may be your nurse one day. And catheters and needles come in sizes that I choose.


44. Getting a call from a telemarketer ? Don't say anything, just press "9" on your phone. It'll add your number to the "don't call" list.


45. Dear self, you can only lose what you cling to.

46. I'm awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair." "Thanks, I grew it myself."


47. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters !


48. It's not my job to blow sunshine up your arse !


49. There are only 2-days in the year nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so TODAY is the right day to love and believe.


50. Some interesting facts:


[1] In a typical lifetime, we spend over 6-years dreaming.

[2] All animals dream, too.

[3] You forget 90% of dreams within 10-minutes of waking up.

[4] Right-handed people, on average, live 9-years longer than left-handed people.

[5] Every day, you are breathing in about 1/4 of other people's farts.

[6] Valentine's Day is one of the days with the highest suicide rates.

[7] 1 out of 8 couples married in the last year met Online.

[8] No word in the English language rhymed with month.

[9] The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

[10] Giraffes are unable to cough.

[11] You share your Birthday with at least 9-million people in the world.

[12] A cow can climb up stairs but they can't come back down them.

[13] An average person will lounge 15-times a day.

[14] A duck's quack doesn't echo and no-one knows why.

[15] Having blue eyes is actually a mutation. Before the mutation occurred, all humans had brown eyes.

[16] There is a city called Rome in every continent.

[17] Owls are the only birds that can see the color blue.

[18] Babies are born without kneecaps.





Which of these can you relate to ?

See you next time with 50 more ...

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© 2014 dw817


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Featured Review

1] In a typical lifetime, we spend over 6-years dreaming.
[2] All animals dream, too.
[3] You forget 90% of dreams within 10-minutes of waking up.
[4] Right-handed people, on average, live 9-years longer than left-handed people.
[5] Every day, you are breathing in about 1/4 of other people's farts.
[6] Valentine's Day is one of the days with the highest suicide rates.
[7] 1 out of 8 couples married in the last year met Online.
[8] No word in the English language rhymed with month.
[9] The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
[10] Giraffes are unable to cough.
[11] You share your Birthday with at least 9-million people in the world.
[12] A cow can climb up stairs but they can't come back down them.
[13] An average person will lounge 15-times a day.
[14] A duck's quack doesn't echo and no-one knows why.
[15] Having blue eyes is actually a mutation. Before the mutation occurred, all humans had brown eyes.
[16] There is a city called Rome in every continent.
[17] Owls are the only birds that can see the color blue.
[18] Babies are born without kneecaps.

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

5 Years Ago

Hi, Avinash. Which of these 18 pertain to you ?



Reviews

1] In a typical lifetime, we spend over 6-years dreaming.
[2] All animals dream, too.
[3] You forget 90% of dreams within 10-minutes of waking up.
[4] Right-handed people, on average, live 9-years longer than left-handed people.
[5] Every day, you are breathing in about 1/4 of other people's farts.
[6] Valentine's Day is one of the days with the highest suicide rates.
[7] 1 out of 8 couples married in the last year met Online.
[8] No word in the English language rhymed with month.
[9] The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
[10] Giraffes are unable to cough.
[11] You share your Birthday with at least 9-million people in the world.
[12] A cow can climb up stairs but they can't come back down them.
[13] An average person will lounge 15-times a day.
[14] A duck's quack doesn't echo and no-one knows why.
[15] Having blue eyes is actually a mutation. Before the mutation occurred, all humans had brown eyes.
[16] There is a city called Rome in every continent.
[17] Owls are the only birds that can see the color blue.
[18] Babies are born without kneecaps.

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

5 Years Ago

Hi, Avinash. Which of these 18 pertain to you ?

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Wit & Wisdom


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dw817
dw817

Fort Worth, TX



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