Wit & Wisdom - August 25th 2014

Wit & Wisdom - August 25th 2014

A Chapter by dw817
"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was very large, its throat was too small.

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  W&W August 25th 2014   

  

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01. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was too small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.


Irritated the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.


The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."


The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell ?"


The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."


02. The highest IQ score ever recorded belongs to a woman, Marilyn Vos Savant with an IQ of 228, 27 points higher than Professor Hawkins.


03. Girls, don't let a guy treat you like a Yellow Starburst. You're a Pink Starburst.


04. If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you.


05. The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post, "Thou shalt not steal," "Though shalt not commit adultery," and, "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.


06. (._.) ( |: ) ( .-. ) ( :| ) (._.) They see me rolling. They hating.


07. I was going to take over the world. But then I saw something shiny.


08. Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.


09. Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.


10. When I was a kid, I hated going to bed. Now I cherish every hour of sleep.


11. I couldn't be happier right now. For the first time in my life, a woman told me that she loves me. Aren't Moms great ?


12. That awkward moment when you get home and look at yourself in the mirror thinking ... did I really look like this all day ?


13. It's funny how we can remember the lyrics to hundreds of songs, but can't remember anything when we study for a test ? The solution sing while we study.


14. Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail later has determined to me this was a lie.


15. And your cat says, "Who knows how many years of yoga my master has taken and she still can't lick her own butt."


16. I survived another day ... and I'll have to do it again tomorrow.


17. I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I've ended up where I need to be.


18. There will come a moment in your life when you have the chance to do the right thing. I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.


19. One advantage to getting married. "Now I can get fat."


20. If thought bubbles appeared about my head to show what I was thinking, I'd be screwed.


21. I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.


22. To love alone is nothing. To be loved is something. But to be loved by the person you love is everything and the best feeling ever.


23. If you don't have anything nice to say ... say it anyways. That girl needs to hear the truth.


24. A Bed's Schedule: Sleep. Wake up exhausted. Pledge to go to bed earlier tonight. Sleepy all day. Finally wake up later. Wide awake ! It's late but who cares ? It's time to party ! It's 2am, I should probably go to bed now.


25. I wish I were a unicorn ... so I could stab idiots with my head.



26.

10 FACTS ABOUT COFFEE:

1. 1000 A.D., Arab traders called it, "Qahwa," "kahve" by the Turkish, "koffie" by the Dutch, and lastly "coffee" by the English.


2. Coffee has been around for over 11 centuries.


3. The coffee bean is actually a seed inside a bright red berry.


4. Coffee was banned 3 times in history: Mecca in the 16th century, by Charles II in Europe in 1675, and Fedrick The Great in Germany in 1677.


5. For men, coffee helps to prevent Alzheimer's, heart disease, gout, and type 2 Diabetes.


6. Black Ivory Coffee, smooth and caramel-tasting, sells at $1100/kg and is collected from elephant feces after they have consumed the cheaper coffee beans.


7. New Yorkers drink almost 7 times more coffee than any other states in the USA.


8. Americans spend $40 billion on coffee each year.


9. Coffee is consumed at the rate of 1400 million cups per day.


10. Coffee is the 2nd most traded commodity on Earth - after oil.

27. Why are blonde jokes so short ? So men can remember them. Now you think about that for a minute.


28. I don't know how to act my age. I have never been this age before.


29. Tell him to stop saying, "It's a free country."


30. I'm not a player, I'm a gamer. Players get chicks. I get ACHIEVEMENTS.


31. I am currently in the planning stages of a hangover.

32. One of my favorite things about you is that whenever you do something stupid, you don't hide from it. Instead, you're more like, "Okay, so I have to tell you what I just did ..." and that makes me laugh.


33. Don't be defeatist, dear. It's very middle class.


34. Beware of the dog. BTW, the cat is not very trustworthy either.


35. Saw this sign at a school library. "Please do not stand, sit, climb, or sharpie sleeping students."


36. Rafiki says, "Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it."


37. I think the phrase, "Kids will be kids" should be replaced by, "bad parenting results in a$$holes."


38. Quit slackin' and make stuff happen !


39. "Nemo" in Latin means, "no-one." "Finding Nemo" translates into, "Finding no-one." So instead of a father fish searching for his son, "Finding Nemo" is actually the story of a fish, named Marlin, who is so heartbroken over losing his entire family, he's delusional. His delusion drives him to travel all over the ocean in search of his one remaining son that doesn't exist. Mind blown.


40. Woodstock, the little yellow bird from Peanuts is Snoopy's sidekick. Whether it's as a faithful mechanic to the World War I flying ace, stalwart secretary to the Head Beagle, or root beer drinking buddy, Woodstock is there. Chirping in a language only Snoopy understands, Woodstock is never far from Snoopy's Doghouse.


41. I already want to take a nap tomorrow.


42. My first thought after I finish reading an amazing book, "Well, what the hell am I supposed to do now ?"


43. I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves.


44. To acquire the habit of reading is to construct for yourself a refuge from almost all the miseries of life.


45. After I read a good book I have a hard time afterwards coping with reality.

46. It is likely I will die next to a pile of things I was meaning to read.


47. Someone should write a book where the main character slowly falls in love with the reader.


48. When you feel like quitting, think about why you started.


49. I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible. But I want to spend every irritating minute with you.


50.

THE SIMPLE LIFE:
Missing somebody ... call them up
Wanna meet up ... invite them over
Wanna be understood ... explain it out
Have questions ... ask about it
Don't like something ... say it nicely
like something ... declare it so
want something ... ask for it
stressed ... let it go
love someone ... say it sincerely





Which of these can you relate to ?

See you next time with 50 more ...

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© 2014 dw817


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39. "Nemo" in Latin means, "no-one." "Finding Nemo" translates into, "Finding no-one." So instead of a father fish searching for his son, "Finding Nemo" is actually the story of a fish, named Marlin, who is so heartbroken over losing his entire family, he's delusional. His delusion drives him to travel all over the ocean in search of his one remaining son that doesn't exist. Mind blown.

Posted 5 Years Ago


dw817

5 Years Ago

Hi Avinash. I wonder how many times in life we interpret one thing one way when in fact its origin a.. read more

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Wit & Wisdom


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dw817
dw817

Fort Worth, TX



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