Wit & Wisdom - December 8th 2014

Wit & Wisdom - December 8th 2014

A Chapter by dw817
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The Origin Of The Spork (continued)

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  W&W December 8th 2014  

  

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01. THE ORIGIN OF THE SPORK

Dear Fork,

I understand that we haven't spoken since I ran away with Dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork and he has your hair.

Sincerely,
Spoon

02. "Lazy" is such an ugly word. I prefer the term, "Selective Participation."


03. What do you call a fake noodle ? An Impasta.


04. I just rolled my eyes so hard at what you said, i think I saw my own brain.


05. Life is too short to drink cheap beer.


06. I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life - if I die next Thursday.


07. Like rainbows ? Try Rainbow Google ! [Link]


08. If you plan to wear that skirt outdoors young lady, you probably won't need Rohypnol.


09. You can't make everybody happy. You aren't a jar of Nutella.


10. I would like to confirm that I do not care.


11. When I do something out of the goodness of my heart. Did everyone see that ? Because I will not be doing it again.


12. Store ice cream in a Ziplock freezer bag to keep it soft. No need to bend your spoon.


13. My taste in music ranges from, "you need to listen to this," to, "I know, please don't judge me."


14.

Dad: "You spend too much time on the computer, it's like you're addicted."

Me: "Fine, can I go out then ?"

Dad: "No."


15. Quit your yackin' and slackin' and make stuff happen !


16. It's not gray hair, it's platinum highlights.


17. Teaching - The only profession where you have to do more work to call in sick than if you just suffered through it instead.


18. When you are trying to figure out how to get the water to start in someone else's shower. You are NAKED and AFRAID.


19. If you water an apple tree with apple juice, is that cannibalism ?


20. She told me to whisper in her ear the three most powerful words that every girl wants to hear, so I told her, "Ford Powerstroke Diesel."


21. 95% of the ocean is still undiscovered. So - you still can't tell me that Mermaids don't exist.


22. Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.


23. When life knocks me down, I usually just lie there and take a nap.


24. My level of sarcasm depends on your level of stupidity.


25. Don't stop believin' in unicorns !



26. A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly one angry passenger pushed her way to the desk. She slapped her ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent politely replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am. I'll be happy to help you, but I've got to take care of these other people first, and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out with you."

She was unimpressed and asked loudly so the other passengers behind her could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM ?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbing his public address microphone spoke, "May I have your attention please ?" he began, and his voice was heard throughout the entire terminal.

"We have a passenger here at gate 14 who DOES NOT KNOW who she is. If anyone can help with her identity, please come to assist. Thank you."

When the folks behind her line started laughing hysterically she glared at the Airlines agent, gritted her teeth, and told him, "F*** you !"

Without flinching the agent smiled and said, "I'm sorry, ma'am, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

27. "Come on drugs, work ! The family reunion starts in 20-minutes !


28. Nerd problem: Many people think you are weird because you like to smell library books.


29. Never judge someone by the opinion of another.


30. "I before E" ... except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.


31. Real men never stop trying to show a girl how much she means to him. Even after he's got her.

32. God promised man that good and obedient wives could be found in all the corners of the world. Then he made the Earth round - and laughed and laughed ...


33. On average, people who complain live longer. Releasing this tension increases immunity and boosts health.


34. Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your X. She's never coming back and don't ask Y.


35. Warning ... I'm exercising, eating right, and watching my alcohol intake. Which means I'm sober, cranky, and sore - so proceed with caution !


36. If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.


37. People who love to eat are always the best people.


38. But I don't wanna get up and be an adult today. I like it here just fine.


39. On Televisor.com you can enter a show you like and it will recommend similar shows to watch and where to find them Online. [Link]


40. People should really stop expecting normal from me. We all know it will never happen.


41. Are you ready for the horridays ? Fa ra ra ra raa, ra ra, ra, raah !


42. A husband is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.


43. Dear stomach, you are bored, not hungry. So shut up !


44. I don't care what you think of me, because it can't be half as bad as what I think of you.


45. Reality continues to ruin my life.

46. Sharks kill 12 people per YEAR whereas people kill 11,417 sharks per HOUR. Now, WHO is on top of the food chain ?


47. The luggage tag that never gets lost reads, "Hi there ! Yes you, you very attractive person ! Could you do me a favor and shout Elizabeth really loud ? Thank you. You really are lovely ! :)"


48. I'm not sure which is harder to raise - husbands or kids.


49. Goobyes hurt the most when the story is not finished and the book has already been closed.


50. On NickReboot.com you can continuously stream 90's cartoons for free ! [Link]





Which of these can you relate to ?

See you next week with 50 more ...

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© 2014 dw817


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Wit & Wisdom


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dw817
dw817

Fort Worth, TX



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