Wit & Wisdom - December 29th 2014

Wit & Wisdom - December 29th 2014

A Chapter by dw817
"

01. THE RIGHT WAY TO WASH A CAT 1. Put both lids of the toilet up. And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you (more)

"

Press CTRL = (equals) to increase the page size and CTRL - (minus) to decrease the page size

  W&W Dec. 29th 2014  

  

Want to read this in a different language ?
Change the TO field to your own country after going
HERE

[ CHOOSE A DIFFERENT SET ]



01. THE RIGHT WAY TO WASH A CAT

1. Put both lids of the toilet up. And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Hope this helps !
Sincerely, The Dog


02. Asking me if I like Coffee is like asking me if I like Breathing.


03. They wanna see you do good, but never better than them. Remember that.


04. Each Oscar Award loser receives a consolation bag of goodies. This year's Goodie Bag was valued at $48,000.


05. Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.


06. Don't tell people your dreams - show them.


07. People like you should be mandated to carry around potted plants, solely to replace the oxygen you waste.


08. Simba was walking too slow so I told him, "To Mufasa."


09. There should be one line at every store for people who actually have their stuff together.


10. You know what the issue is with this world ? Everyone wants a magical solution to their problems yet refuse to believe in magic.


11. Good Morning World ! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived !


12. No, you're right. Let's do it the dumbest way possible because that is easier for you.


13. If some people in my life were on fire, I would happily toast marshmallows.


14. I showed up for Monday. Didn't say I'd participate however.


15. Wife after she wakes up: Good Morning and get outta my way, It's PEE-O'Clock.


16. My teacher said, "Tell me more." and then I broke into a song of Summer Nights - right in the middle of class.


17. Drown your troubles in COFFEE.


18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.


19. Need an Ark to save two of every animal ? I NOAH guy.


20. I'm not actually funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.


21. My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.


22. Why is it so easy to stay awake until 6am but so hard to wake up at the same time of 6am ? PHYSICS. Things in motion tend to stay in motion while things at rest tend to stay at rest.


23. Damaged people are dangerous because they are great survivors.


24. When I fill out my job application, I write out "911" for my emergency contact.


25. I will totally judge you and your life based solely on the breakfast cereal you eat each morning. And heaven help you if it's oatmeal.



26. NINE MOST COMMONLY MISUSED WORDS
(good to know for writers):

[1] TRAVESTY.
WRONG: A tragedy or unfortunate event
RIGHT: a mockery or parody

[2] IRONIC
WRONG: a funny coincidence
RIGHT: contrary to what you might expect

[3] BEMUSED
WRONG: amused
RIGHT: confused

[4] PERUSE
WRONG: to skim or glance over something
RIGHT: to review something carefully

[5] COMPELLED
WRONG: to willingly to feel like you need to do something
RIGHT: to be forced into doing something

[6] NAUSEOUS
WRONG: to feel sick
RIGHT: to cause the nausea

[7] REFUTE
WRONG: rebut
RIGHT: disprove with evidence

[8] REDUNDANT
WRONG: repetitive
RIGHT: superfluous, able to be cut out

[9] ENORMITY
WRONG: enormousness
RIGHT: extreme evil

27. Just so you know, Clinomania is the excessive desire to lay in bed all day. I must be terminally ill of it.

28.
I'm not judging you for doing it. I'm judging you because you posted it on the Internet for everyone to see.


29. You never need to apologize for you how chose to survive.


30. My dentist told me that I needed a crown. I was like I know, RIGHT ?


31. That awkward moment when you make eye contact with someone through the crack in the bathroom stall.


32. Reading a book and having to reread the same paragraph over and over again because you are too distracted by other thoughts.


33. I love you in the morning and the afternoon. I love you in the evening and underneath the moon.


34. What kind of unicorn are you ?


35. I wish my perfectly detailed wedding plans included a Fiance.


36. It's almost time to make your New Year's Resolution. Might as well repeat what you said last year since we know that will never happen.


37. Mommy, how come Daddy never cooks or cleans ? He's a lazy slob, honey.


38. Orlando Bloom apparently threw a punch at Justin Bieber last night during an argument at a nightclub. Today he claims that his hand is pretty sore from all the high-fives he received later.


39. You have the potential to make beautiful changes in this world. Yes - YOU.


40. After waking up at stupid o'clock this morning, I'm looking forward to wine o'clock tonight.


41. Never be afraid to try. Remember it was amateurs that built the ARK and professionals that built the TITANIC.


42. Good moms let you lick the egg beaters - GREAT moms turn them off first.


43. The trick is to not let people know how really weird you are until it's too late for them to back out.


44. Every morning is a constant battle between deciding to spend time on your appearance or sleep for just 15 more minutes. Sleep usually wins.


45. He: Will you go out with me this Saturday ? She: Sorry, I'm having a headache this weekend.

46. If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites YOU and you die, it's venomous. Now you know the difference. You're welcome.


47. Katie says, "In my world, everyone is a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies."


48. Your teacher calls on you cause you weren't paying attention and you somehow get the answer right. They give you that look.


49. Good people are like candles. They burn themselves up to give light to others.


50. "A wine, please." "Ma'am, this is McDonald's." "OK, a McWine, please."





Which of these can you relate to ?

See you next time with 50 more ...

I'm back from the holidays - and will return with a new entry for Dream Diary on the morrow.

Return back HOME


  You are Earth Visitor #   




© 2015 dw817


My Review

Would you like to review this Chapter?
Login | Register




Reviews

10. You know what the issue is with this world ? Everyone wants a magical solution to their problems yet refuse to believe in magic.

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

5 Years Ago

There was a time I believed in magic, Avinash. And it wasn't that long ago. It was the 4th of July a.. read more
Avinash

5 Years Ago

We can see magic if we are truthful. That glass of vanity and pretention must go. Only then may be w.. read more
Very clever saying and funny quotes. Really enjoyed it, and can't wait for more! :) And sorry I haven't responded as soon as you expected, I've been busy with other stuff. But don't let that frighten you from sending me read requests! :)

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

5 Years Ago

Glad you like them - ah - but the real question is - which of these can you relate to, Michel ?

Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats


Wit & Wisdom


Author

dw817
dw817

Fort Worth, TX



About
more..

Writing

Related Writing

People who liked this story also liked..