Wit & Wisdom - February 2nd 2015

Wit & Wisdom - February 2nd 2015

A Chapter by dw817

The professor added, "But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."


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  W&W February 2nd 2015  


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01. An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative."

"But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

02. Keep your kids behaving on long car trips. Show them a bag of lollies & sweets. Tell them the bag is theirs when you arrive at the destination. Put the bag where they can see it but can't reach it. When there is any trouble, without saying a word, roll down the window and throw some out.

03. Why ? Because some people are just terrible human beings, and terrible people do terrible things. If you're racking your brain trying to understand it, it just means that you're not one of those terrible people.

04. I heard you're a real Don Juan with the ladies. The ladies Don Juan anything to do with you.

05. The right man will love all the things about that the wrong man was intimidated by.

06. Distance can't stop what's meant to be.

07. You're in my 4am thoughts.

08. Am I the only person who says "ow" in surprise even if what happened didn't remotely hurt me ?

09. Maybe some girls aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they're supposed to run wild until they find someone, just as wild, to run with.

10. When you first meet people, try to notice their eye color while also smiling at them. It might be because you look for a second or two longer, but all I can tell you is that people really respond to it.

11. It all makes sense now. Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized on the same day. Leviticus 20:13 - "if a man lays with another man he should be stoned." We've just been interpreting it wrong all these years.

12. I'm tired of living vicariously through couples that I read about in my favorite books. I want what they have.

13. Foot-in-the-door-phenomenon. People are more likely to agree to do a task for you if you ask them to do something simpler first. (Gradual Commitment ... makes people think that you like them).

14. March 14, 2015 - 9:26:53 will be EPIC. Why ? 3.141592653 = PI.

15. If you ask someone to do you a small favor, cognitive dissonance will make them believe that because they did, they must like you.

16. Keeping your job is the new raise.

17. Boredom causes the mind to over think. People are less depressed and happier when kept busy.

18. When you're studying or learning something new, teach a friend about it. Let them ask questions. If you're able to teach something well, you understand it.

19. That embarrassing moment when you realize that person wasn't waving at you.

20. Math: The only place where people buy 60 watermelons and no-one wonders why.

21. How I feel about religion: "You can worship a rock for all I care, just don't throw it at me."

22. People will remember not what you said but you how made them feel.

23. I am unable to quit as I am currently too legit.

24. If you get yourself to be really happy and excited to see other people, they will react the same as you. It doesn't always happen the first time, but it will most definitely the next.

25. And a sign at the coffee shop reads, "Unattended children will be given an Espresso and a free kitten !"

26. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

27. Worrying won't stop bad stuff from happening, it just stops you from enjoying the good.

I wonder how police on bicycles arrest people. "You're under arrest. Get in the basket."

29. It's called irony sweetheart. You know, you tried to make my life miserable, but in the end your own life sucks ... That's irony.

30. False attribution of arousal. When you take somebody out on a first date, take them somewhere exciting that will get their heart beating, e.g. roller coaster or horror film. This gets their adrenaline up. It makes them think they enjoy spending time with you rather than the activity.

31. I constantly go between being extremely anxious about all the things I have to do and literally not giving a crap for them. There is no in-between.

32. People are extraordinarily aware of their sense of touch. If a member of the opposite sex touches you in some way, read the signs, they like you.

33. The groundhog said six more weeks of winter. So I ate him.

34. If a shirt shrinks, put it in a bowl with ice water and one cup of hair conditioner. It will restore to it's normal size.

35. You are the burning ember in the jungles of my night.

36. Captain Hook captures Peter Pan and tells him he will die, to which Pan replied, "To live would be an awfully big adventure."

37. No, I was not checking him out. I was admiring how the Good Lord has blessed him.

38. And you sir, you're very attractive. Therefore, I will stare at you.

39. Just keep talking. I'm diagnosing you.

40. Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.

41. I miss those days when you could just push someone into a swimming pool without worrying about their cellphone.

42. There is nothing to fear but fear itself ... and spiders. Yeah, that and spiders.

43. There is no "WE" in pizza.

44. Grumpy cat says, "Forgive and forget ? I am neither Jesus nor do I have Alzheimer's."

45. Let's just cuddle, watch the Walking Dead, and make out.

46. I run like a girl, you still have to try and keep up.

47. When someone says softball and baseball are the same thing, I am like, "Aca-scuse me !?"

48. Forget a penny for your thoughts. How about five bucks to shut you the hell up ?

49. Yet despite this warning look on my face, you are still talking.

50. Leave me alone. I'm only speaking to my CAT today.

Which of these can you relate to ?

See you next time with 50 more ...

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