Wit & Wisdom - March 16th 2015

Wit & Wisdom - March 16th 2015

A Chapter by dw817
"

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are instructed to build a fence around a flock of sheep using the best of their abilities.

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  W&W March 16th 2015   

  

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01. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are instructed to build a fence around a flock of sheep using the best of their abilities.

The engineer forms the flock into a sphere and constructs a fence around the edges. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and tightens the loop until it fits around the flock.

The mathematician thinks for a moment, then with his limited resources builds a simple fence around himself declaring that the outside is inside.

02. Specialize in having fun.

03. The human mind is naturally happier when it has something to look forward to and less likely to experience depression when kept busy.


04. A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.


05. Internet: "Life is good." No Internet: "Hope it comes back soon ..." Slow Internet: "Aww c'mon already !!"


06. "Naked" actually means to be unprotected. "Nude" means unclothed. You're welcome.


07. Psychological studies suggest that when you can't stop thinking of someone, it's more likely because they're thinking about you as well.

08. My parents spanked me as a child. As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as "respect for others."


09. The planet of Mercury's day is longer than it's year.


10. Did you know ... more people are attacked by cows each year rather than sharks. So if you see a cow, RUN !


11. Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not in fact surrounded by a******s.


12. People ages 18-33 are the most stressed individuals in the world. After the age of 33, stress levels tend to reduce.


13. My 3-year old girl spit out carrots that I thought she ate earlier. She had stored them in her cheeks after eating her ice cream for eating her carrots. Actually I'm not even mad. That's amazing !


14.

Today I'd like to sit and read.
Forget I have a job I need.
Ignore the things I have to do.
And just enjoy a book or two.


15. Male llamas develop a set of "fighting teeth" at the age of 2. They are used to bite off the testicles of of competing male llamas.

16. When your better half has a picture of you in their desktop background.


17. No. No. I'm still listening to you. It just takes me a minute to process so much stupid at once.


18. How girls put on their pants: Left leg. Right leg. Wiggle butt - wiggle butt. Jump jump jump. Squat. Pull. Stretch. Done.


19. When he says, "It's cute - just like you."


20. Girl smacks the volley ball to you as you scramble for it. "If you wanted a soft serve, you should've gone to Dairy Queen !"


21. Aerogel, also known as frozen smoke is the world's lowest density solid, clocking in at 96% air. It's practically impossible to see or feel. It supports up to 4000 times it's own weight and can withstand a blast from two pounds of dynamite. It is also used as an insulator.


22. When he lets you use him as your pillow.


23. I'm a real sweetheart, and a real smart-a*s as well. How you treat me decides which one you'll get.


24. OMG ! I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain. On the left there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.


25. Grumpy cat says, "I'm sorry that I offended you when I called you stupid. I honestly thought you knew."


26. The other day my friend was telling me that I didn't understand what "irony" meant. Which in itself was ironic because we were both standing at a bus stop.

27. We can raed and udnretsnad msseed up stneceens as lnog as the frsit and lsat lttrees of the wdros are in the corrcoet plaecs.

28.
If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one. Because if you really loved the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second.


29. I do not spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly, just like a proper lady.


30. Unfortunately my daydreams about being skinny are always interrupted by the sound of my own chewing.


31. I've never been a millionaire but just to let you know, I would be darling at it.


32. I love the sound you make when you shut up.


33. And your T-Shirt reads, "Danger ! Mouth operates faster than brain."


34. My friend thinks he's smart. He said onions are the only food that make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.


35. The Red Eye in photos are caused by the flash of the camera reflecting the blood vessels in your eye.


36. Condoms prevent minivans.


37. Coca Cola owns all the website urls such as, "ahh, ahhh, ahhhh," all the way up to 62 h's.


38. Sorry I can't today. My sister's friend's mother's grandpa's brother's grandson's uncle fish died. Oh, and yes, it was tragic.


39. Antisocial. Antisocool. Aint I so cool.


40. Never put them first, if you always come last. Never give your all if you only get half.


41. So what will it be, Jenny ? Do you want to dance with your new awesome husband or just have more cake. Cake !


42. Camping. Or another way of saying, paying a bunch of money to pretend we're homeless.

43. Be willing to take a chance. Because you'll never know how perfect something could turn out to be.


44. That awkward moment when you're playing with your pen in class and suddenly it goes airborne and flies across the room to hit the one student who hates you.


45. Girl, I KNOW what I said earlier. That I wanted to lose weight. But right now, I'M HUNGRY !

46. Even miracles take a little time ...


47. Watching a horror movie and thinking, "No ! Don't kill him, he's CUTE !"


48. The one Hot Phone that has all the buttons you'll ever need. (O) Batman (O) Pizza.


49. Yeah dating is cool I suppose, but ... have you ever had cheese stuffed crust pizza ?


50. That face you make when you put on warm underwear from the dryer. :}





Which of these can you relate to ?

See you next time with 50 more ...

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Wit & Wisdom


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dw817
dw817

Fort Worth, TX



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