Wit & Wisdom - March 23rd 2015

Wit & Wisdom - March 23rd 2015

A Chapter by dw817

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me ? I promised a friend I would meet him."


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  W&W March 23rd 2015   


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01. An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.  He had a nice pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up great -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam to the deep end to scowl at him.

One of the women shouted, "We're not coming out until you leave !"

The old man shrugged but still made his voice heard, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim."  Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligators."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast ...

02. Hang a sign outside, "My house was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it."

03. There's a new superhero in town. Anxiety Girl ! Able to jump to the worst conclusion in a single bound !

04. All the coffee beans in Colombia won't make me a morning person !

05. Here's an idea for you. A reverse-EBay: Buyers post something they are interested in purchasing and vendors compete to offer the lowest bid to them.

06. You will soon learn that Mommy is a nerd. One day I will teach you all about Muggles, the one ring, and the ways of the force.

07. Be careful when you blindly follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.

08. I'd tell you to kiss my a*s, but I'm pretty sure the two of you would fall hopelessly in love with each other, and then I'd never be rid of you.

09. Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

10. Yeah, I am so sorry. I must've accidentally lost your number when I hit delete.

11. And the Mad March Hare says, "Ah, but that's the point ! If you don't think, you shouldn't talk."

12. Consider this: Two types of horns for your car. A happy friendly horn and a mean and angry one.

13. Always keep a picture of your first fish, your first car, and your first date.

14. My favorite winter activity ? Going back inside.

15. Consider: Every police officer being required to wear a Pro Camera at all times while on paid duty and to have all the videos they record available to the public.

16. I'm having technical difficulties with my attitude today. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you. Avoidance is suggested for safety.

17. When a microwave meal instruction says, "Pierce lid several times." they suggest you gently poke holes in the top. What you wind up doing is wielding the knife like a serial killer and stabbing at it with murderous intent, "Die die DIE !!"

18. Dear wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, and birthday candles. DO YOUR JOB !

19. Let's make a driving range, but for skipping stones. You could go and rent a bucket of stones perfectly flat and smooth for skipping and go skip them on a pond in the middle of a forest.

20. If you somehow went missing, I would spend all the necessary time searching for the perfect picture to give the police. Because if you're going to be on the news, you're gonna look damn good !

21. You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence telling you, "I just find it funny how ..." because there is a 99% chance that she did not in fact find it at all amusing.

22. Baby, we don't need no WIFI because I already feel the connection.

23. It's THEIR world. We're just living in it.

24. Hello darling. When I'm good, I'm good. But when I'm bad, I'm everything you ever wanted.

25. That awkward moment when you think you can touch the bottom of the pool, then try and almost drown in the process.

26. A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me ? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know ?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man below nodded but then responded, "And you must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know ?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

27. Put your hands up if the boys have better legs than you.

I hope you're not allergic to nuts. Because I'm gonna kick yours up into your throat.

29. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot.

30. Sometimes I miss you. Then I remember what a d****e you are and how awesome I am, and then like, no, I'm good.

31. Do you like coffee ? Only with my oxygen.

32. A smile is the prettiest thing you can wear.

33. I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people's minds. Then I joined Facebook and quickly got over that.

34. A sign hangs above your patio. "Welcome to our FIREPIT. Where friends and marshmallows get TOASTED at the same time."

35. Sometimes I pretend to forget you by staring at the refrigerator.

36. Your dog addresses you, "This homework of yours looks difficult. Want me to eat it ?"

37. How come in almost every book I read, the weird and awkward girl always gets the popular guy. Why is this ? That is not how life really works.

38. When I say, "I wish they would turn this book into a movie." what I really mean is, "I wish they would turn this book into a 17-hour long spectacle that includes every single solitary detail and doesn't deviate at all from the storyline and has perfect casting."

39. When people suck the life out of you, wouldn't it be nice if they took some fat too ?

40. I'd love to stay and chat some more but I'm lying and that's supposed to be bad.

41. Narcissist (n) A more polite term for a self-serving, manipulative, evil a*****e with no soul.

42. In 2009, Ben & Jerry's renamed their Chubby Hubby flavor ice cream to Hubby Hubby to support same sex marriage.

43. My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, for the love of God woman, eat a salad !

44. Various Canadian police departments give "positive tickets" to reward people for doing something good.

45. Against royal tradition, the Queen had the American National Anthem played at the palace the day after 9-11 in honor of the Americans in England who could not yet return home.

46. *Opens pack of gum.* BAM. Everyone at the gym is now your best friend.

47. Remember, if you can't say something nice, make it funny.

48. Getting angry for listening to people breathe is called Misophonia which is an actual brain disorder ... which is why I always hold my breath when meeting new people.

49. And I don't mind if we take our time 'cause I'm all yours if you're all mine.

50. You rub a lamp and a genie appears.

Genie: "Right, I've had a long, hard day, so here's the deal. I will grant you ONE wish. What'll it be ?"

You: "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I've got a fear of flying. I wish there was a bridge to Hawaii."

Genie: "Are you kidding me ? That's ridiculous ! Think how much concrete you'll need to reach the bottom of the ocean ! Think of something else."

You: "Hmm ... Well, I guess there is one thing I've always wanted to know."

Genie: "And that is ?"

You: "I want to understand women. That is my single wish; to know what makes a woman happy !"

Genie: "..."

Genie: "So about this bridge ..."

Which of these can you relate to ?

See you next time with 50 more ...

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