Slice Of Life (04-28-22)
Hello hello hello !
I know it's been quite a-while since I last wrote. I really don't know what I wrote last time and I'm not going to read it. If I repeat myself, I apologize. There are a few very important things that are happening in real life.
1. Chris has abandoned me.
2. I rediscover Church.
3. Katy's Mother died.
4. New ties with Rose.
5. Gayle, my Godfather's wife - is in critical condition.
6. Katy is now having some health problems.
7. Concerns for Carlos.
8. Memory loss. First signs.
9. The Glass Staircase.
Let's get to the first.
Now I have known Chris 37-years. We met originally when I was 17-years old and he was interested in the work I was doing on the Commodore Amiga and followed me home. Yet, there was an ulterior motive he had.
You know you get bullied so much in school eventually everyone knows about it and it is rote, something to be expected and almost looked forward to - because you're not left alone. And no one likes to be alone.
I know that doesn't make a lot of sense. Let me see if I can explain it better. OK. Let's take a girl, she is, oh, 8-years old. She gets spanked a lot by her Father and she remembers this time.
Later in life when she is 20-years old, she feels comfortable with her boyfriend spanking her - because it's what she knows and she associates comfort with it. It is called Stockholm Syndrome.
The same is true with me. Back in Elementary, Middle, and High School I was placed into all kinds of deplorable things - and when the bullies stopped being girls and became boys back in Middle school I was coerced into doing sexual favors for them.
So isn't it any wonder when I met Chris - who was going to the same school I was going, gently coerced me back into familiar thinking - and in this case doing sexual favors for him.
https://youtu.be/AkIpaC0T25I
There is a song you need to hear if you have not from the Eurythmics. It makes perfect sense to me. Maybe to others not quite so.
https://youtu.be/qeMFqkcPYcg
The original video can be found here, though I like the video MIX above better.
Let's focus on a few of the words in the lyrics:
"Some of them want to use you."
"Some of them want to get used by you."
"Some of them want to abuse you."
"Some of them want to be abused."
So - with Chris. While he definitely qualified for the first stanza, wanting to use me for his pleasure, I didn't mind though.
It was something I was already familiar with - something I had experience in from school. Something bullies taught me to be good at. And I realized I would not get hurt if I did what I was told.
After these few "friendly" get-togethers with Chris, I think he started to want to know me as a person instead of just a receptacle for him.
And unless I am mistaken, we were friends. Going out to eat. Walking in the park. Playing miniature golf. Watching movies, stuff guys do.
But let's get to why Chris has turned his back on me after all these years.
I know I called him up on the phone and Rick answered. Rick is Chris's new boyfriend. He has - unusual thinking to put it politely. Meeting him in person he says about the most shocking things he can find and then expects others to see the humor in them. And they don't, and then he gets angry.
Well all I can figure is Chris must've been getting a chance to bufu him every day for him to be so ... inconsiderate ... of me and not caring about our friendship anymore.
I know we were talking on the phone. The conversation was winding down and it was clear Chris wanted me off the phone.
Chris was being so damned neutral. I finally asked in desperation, "Would it be better if we never saw each other again ?"
He replied flatly, "Yeah, that would be fine with me."
I pressed it, "I would never see you again, ever, Chris, are you sure this is what you want !?"
"Yeah, I'm sure."
So I hung up. I was - upset obviously, crying my heart out. I mean we had known each for 37-years now and normally got together on Sundays. He never wrote back. Not even to today. So ... I guess he went on with his life.
I know he told me he wanted to sell his house and move to Dallas, TX. So that must've been what he did, and took Rick with him. He talked about marriage with Rick and that's fine too I suppose.
I just felt so ... empty ... knowing I would never see him again. My sister and doctor both said you know he's been in prison for drinking, arrested for drinking while driving. Who is not to say there is a warrant out for his arrest and Chris is doing his best to keep you from being dragged under with him ?
In that instant I feel like I can help, maybe ? If I were given the chance ? I just don't know anymore.
I suppose I can enter the online dating scene again. I went by the alias, "hipertiper" then. I could do it again. I know I did that years ago with mixed success, that's how I met Jade. Wow. She was so manipulative though !
With my profile today, however, I just don't what kind of person I would turn up. Guy or girl. It could even be a bully from one of the schools I went to - eager to meet again to continue where they left off, and that would definitely not turn out favorably for me.
So it's a choice. A matter of living with the loneliness or risk finding someone else that takes advantage of me.
. . .
I REDISCOVER CHURCH
As me and Chris normally got together on Sundays, I wanted something else to replace it. To fill the void. So
... there was a church across the street from where I live. I told
Carlos about it and he said Katy, me, and him, could certainly check it
out. And we did it. And it was unlike any church we had ever been to.
It
was I guess a kind of Rock & Roll church. It did not do any of the
standard items I was so familiar with. It was very laid back and very
LOUD. Of course Katy absolutely loved it for that.
But
then we did a bit of research and found the church I grew up in. The
one I was there in Kindergarten. And when we got there, we were all well
received. And I was surprised at how much I remembered all the ritual
despite not going there for a good 30-years.
So during the services I am
starting to teach Katy what to sing and what to say.
And, that was fine. I am starting to spend more time with Carlos and Katy and - of course none with Chris.
While
there is still a massive hole in my heart where Chris used to reside,
going to this very familiar and very lovely Church with all of the pomp
and circumstance I am familiar with, it does help the ache.
. . .
KATY'S MOTHER DIED
If
I hadn't already mentioned it, Kathy, Katy's (Katana) mother died - and
now that I get more details of it, I am understanding that Katy was
actually asleep WITH HER Mom, they were both in the same bed, when she
died. Katy woke up and shook her Mother to wake up, and she wouldn't.
She was cold and stiff.
Now I have to wonder just what goes on in
the mind of a 13-yo girl when this happens. I can't imagine. I can't
even come close to thinking what that does to someone. I guess I'll know
in the years to come. For now though she seems happy and keeps saying
Mommy is up in heaven.
So I tell her, "Yes she is, dear Katy. Yes, she is."
As
for funeral arrangements, I am understanding that the hospital she was
sent to is so full of - other people that have passed on because of the
Covid - that for now she is in a Potter's grave. I'll let you know more
details when there are some to be found ...
. . .
NEW TIES WITH ROSE
Rose ... has always been there for me. We met at 18 and even today we still visit, about once a week when we can, and we just have some pizza, music, and talk.
Naturally if and when Jimbo passes on as he is on oxygen all the time now, well, I'll probably get my wish and have someone once again telling me what to do, where to do it, and to what.
And - that's fine. That's a comfortable place for me. It always has been. It is what has made me an excelling worker in businesses, to always do what my boss says.
Now I know you are saying, why not try the bar scene ? Or if you're going to church, show up at those social get-togethers. Rose even offered this, with the understand we never separate from each other.
Well, maybe. But I'm pretty sure I'm not going to find too many guys or even girls that match the criteria I want, dominant in bed, at church. It seems unlikely.
. . .
GAYLE IS IN CRITICAL CONDITION
Gayle, Carlos's wife has always had a sugar problem. Not eating it, not really, no, her sugar level is too high, like past 900 and that's without any sweets at all. She has some kind of problem with her processing sugar and even eating the simplest of foods gives her difficulty. I'm guessing it's her pancreas failing.
But that's not so much the problem as it is she has a phobia of shots. And not just a normal phobia, a full-blown absolute rock-solid hatred loathing of shots. To the point she won't take them even if her life depends on it. And at this point, it does.
She was in the hospital, now in nursing home, and now she has used up all of her insurance so they must turn her out of the hospital. Carlos is there for her, of course, yet if he takes her home she will once again not get any shots of insulin and again he'll have to call 911 to save her life.
It's a vicious cycle and one I'm understanding has been going on for a few years now. And each time she comes back home she is that much worse off for not having taken her insulin.
So, outside of putting a nurse's hat on Katy and making her an honorary nurse, which I was seriously considering until Carlos said - no. I just don't know what to do.
Gayle said in her own words, "I don't care if I die ..."
I hope I never get to this level myself. Never. When I die I want to be alive, awake, and aware of everything happening around me. I want to use up this old body till it can no longer sing, no longer walk, and no longer hold things in hands.
That my brain has turned to complete tapioca. Failing this, I want to be here, I want to enjoy life, and I want others to enjoy the happiness I may bring them if even in small packages of kindness, generosity, and consideration.
I am not quite so het up about leaving my mark in the world. The very alias, "dw817" is known by a lot of people now I've never even met in person. I know I got into a conversation a few days back with a checkout clerk in a grocery store, we got to talking about the internet and I mentioned I was "dw817."
Well her eyes got real wide and then he said, "Oh, is that you ?" I nodded. She smiled, continued to check out my grocery items, then bid me a good day. So, yeah, people do read what I write here and I wouldn't be surprised if it's appearing somewhere else or can be searched for by Google.
In any case, I still have many more years of life ahead of me and I'm not about to quit now.
. . .
KATY IS NOW HAVING HEALTH PROBLEMS
While the doctor she went to said that she has asthma, I think it's more than just this. She complains constantly of having a sore throat and if you look it is all red and puffy. I'm thinking maybe she needs to get her tonsils taken out.
I remember reading about this years ago and it's a relatively simple process and removes the infections that can occur with the tonsils.
Her health has affected her grades, too. She has been out of school so much for 6th grade she was told she needs to take Summer school. My concern is, what if her health prevents her from Summer school ?
Then she'll need to repeat the grade and while she is really petite and I don't think anyone would think of her as being too old for 6th grade, the fact she would repeat it would be something I am certain she does not want to do.
CONCERNS FOR CARLOS
Now I know Carlos is getting on in years but it does seem like he is really getting tired and exhausted of all everything life has been throwing him. The death of Katy's Mom, the hospitalization of his wife, Gayle, Katy having health problems, and having to get rid of 14 indoor cats.
It was after Sunday, Carlos had treated Katy and me to East Gourmet. Well afterwards I offered if he would like to visit and we could watch some, "Alfred Hitchcock Presents." He said he would love that.
So I get everything ready upstairs for us to watch it. Katy said she wanted me downstairs. I had just put the system in auto to play all the episodes when she said, "Bring B Bear."
This is a teddy bear I have she likes to throw around, smack on the ground, and toss back and forth. The "B" stands for - well ... use your imagination. She uses the bear to work out her aggressions. So I was already halfway down the stairs and climbed back up to see Carlos was already asleep !
He had his head leaned all the way back on the couch, his mouth was wide open and he was SNORING something fierce !
But I didn't bother him. I got B Bear and went back downstairs with him. Katy already had the tent set up. This is AIRFORT. I have bought 2 of them so far. If you haven't seen it, you should. It's an awesome tent for kids or adults that blows up in about 30-seconds.
http://www.airfort.com
Anyways, she was already in there. I turned down the sound of the fan and we started playing with the bear, tossing him back and forth and letting her get her aggression out on it from school, it was good for her.
Well hours later, like really 10-hours, I fixed us something to eat, watched some Youtube, played a few video-games, carried her on my back, and talked about school.
Finally Carlos was climbing down the steps. "I am sorry." he told me yawning. "I must've fallen asleep."
I shrugged but smiled. Then they both headed out. So, yeah, Carlos is definitely not getting enough sleep. I did tell him anytime he wants to come over and just crash on my upstairs couch, that would be fine with me. He nodded and said he would take me up on that sometimes.
. . .
THE GLASS STAIRCASE
I had been recently thinking of this and how it directly applies to me today.
The glass stairs was an extended dream I had years ago where I was climbing stairs. The top of the stairs was somehow production, or heaven, or - I don't know what. And the bottom was the past, things you had forgotten, things that held you back.
Well I remember climbing these beautiful glass stairs. The stairs were wide enough easily for 3-people to walk side-by-side up them. And they were in a bit of a lazy spiral.
Well I was climbing and climbing these stairs. When I finally leaned on the side of the handrail and told myself, no, I'm good. I don't need this. And I found a little landing near the stairs where I was and pitched a tent there complete with campfire and some blankets.
As I sat around the fire I watched other people going up the stairs. Barely even having time to greet me as they went. Their big hurry to get ahead of others and be an important person I guess.
Occasionally but rarely I would see someone suddenly start dashing DOWN the stairs to finish something they left behind or to do something they had forgotten.
It was more seeing people competing with each other at the top of the stairs and if you looked WAY up high you would see almost like a war. That the people who climbed the stairs the highest were in fierce competition with other people who also vied to be ahead of the others.
A kind of bloodthirsty battle because that person HAD to be vertically higher on the stairs than anyone else and people were fighting tooth and nail way up high. Oh - where I was it was nice friendly people, all smiles, gently climbing the stairs, pausing a bit to look around and then continue.
But at the top. The very top. Fierce bloody competition. Human really. Humanity at its finest - or worst it depends upon your point of view.
And me, just sitting, warming my hands by the campfire, having a blanket around me, nibbling on some beef jerky and granola bars, quite content to LIVE where I was on the stairs. Not all the way up. Not all the way down. Just - where I was - where no-one would think I was competing against them.
. . .
And maybe that's kind of where I am today. Some people live to be 100-years old. I would like that. For if this is available to me then I have only covered half the distance and I have a good 50-years to go. While I would indeed like to live that long or even longer, I do believe that my brain will start to forget other important things about life.
Like if nothing else compression algorithms, memory locations, how to compile code, encryption methods. Some of the deep-rooted very complex stuff I can see is already disappearing from me and then maybe it'll start to eat into my own daily memories.
I hope not but it does seem likely and I am not the first person who starts to get memory loss at 50.
Strangely I believe typing and writing as I'm doing now will take a long time in coming before I am stripped of that. So - for now, no, no programming - nothing serious anyways. I will write with the digital pen. I can do that. And I can still see the Future Barrier story.
I must admit the time-traveling bit where I am now in the story, while somewhat amusing is difficult for me to write as - very simply - I have not actually traveled through time, not to the past anyways.
Future Barrier was obviously incredibly easy to start writing as I relied directly on my own true-life experiences with Tyr or Celeste as her original name was back in 3rd Grade.
Hmm ... anyways, this sure took a dark turn. I'm supposed to be mentioning things to make you smile, to make you laugh, to encourage you to come back and read more. But I'm not that black and white.
My mood goes up and down constantly, is why I'm on Seroquel. So ... I will tell you I will finish Future Barrier in the 5th book and after that I will return to the Dream Diary or ...
Another writing that is a bit of a secret - and probably be done if and when I get to the point I can't remember how to write messages as I am now.
For now though it looks good and I am clicking along about 135wpm, just as I learned years ago. So - good for now.
And I pray for answers and acceptance for Kathy, Gayle, Carlos, and Katy. That they may be relieved from their distress. That they may be unburdened of their weights, that they may be well and healthy - and if failing in that at least may find peace and contentment in the next life ... that's the best I can do and the best I can offer ...
Me ? I'm not going to heaven anyways. It should be a choice. As a free spirit I should be able to freely roam the Earth and explore its many splendors and wonders till the end of time.
Either that or go to Mayberry where all my favorite TV and movie stars have gone to retire when they had passed away. I imagine I'd be "right welcome" there.
. . .
ANYTHING ELSE ?
I
was actually going to talk about something else. But - the situation on
it seems to have changed. Once again I'll let you know more when I know
more myself.
. . .
But for now let's return back to the story, Dev's adventures in 5th century England.
. . .
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