Zigs

This is a letter to me poem. I'm writing back to myself when I was eight. It's a core memory that burns images in my brain to this day: crying on my grandparent's floor, realizing life. 10/300

Zigs,

I hope you don’t mind me

Writing you out of the blue like this.

I know it must be tough

Being just a little kid.

No more than 45 pounds

Of bones and no meat.

How many times a day

Does a teacher ask you

If you get enough to eat?

 

Shaking at night

On grandma and grandpa’s

Living room floor

With a cold fan blowing,

Whispering into your face

Drying that tear that’s falling

Leaving nothing in its place.

 

Mom and dad are sober now,

But they can’t afford a place to live

With dad just getting out of prison

And mom losing her job once again.

You were always so good at hiding, Zigs.

Holding your head up high

Hoping that no one would notice

That you were slowly

Breaking

Inside.

 

You mastered the façade,

Raising that skinny, pale hand,

Answers to every question

On the tip of your tongue.

But the only question you couldn’t answer

Was what are we eating today, mom?

It’s hard to make it to the pantry

When you don’t have a car.

 

Those late nights

You’d stay up

Staring into the fan,

Snuggling under your Eagle’s blanket

Your NaNa gave you for Christmas.

Did you ever wonder if you’d

Escape?

 

Is that when your dreams of being president…

Or a restaurant owner…

Or a doctor…

Or a snake!!!

Is that when they all when up in flames?

Converting themselves

Into the realities of nightmares.

 

Is that when you saw what life really was?

A step by step, day by day

Survival to get by

While wearing a mask

So know one can see what’s really going on.

 

            Hey Zigs, can I talk to you for a minute?

Yes, Mrs. Blevins?

            I heard a few times you have to walk

            To your grandparent’s house. I know that’s

            Not normal…

            Is everything okay at home?

Yeah. I tremble. Everything is fine.

 

That’s the moment you learned to lie,

And it carried you far.

Sooner or later

You learned that lying

Even to yourself

Was the best way to make reality

Go away.

I know now that’s not okay.

The things you saw,

Those experiences you had,

They weren’t…normal.

It’s okay to recognize the pain and the damage

Instead of suffering through a reality famine

Through the fantasies you created

To protect your sanity.

I hope mom won’t get mad at me

For writing back to you,

Little Zigs.

You were so innocent, then.

But you had to grow up at some time.

 

But hang in there.

You’re gonna make it.

And perhaps one day,

You’ll stop trying to fake it.

You’ll be the real you once again,

Not hidden behind

The fig leaves you sowed together.

One day, it’ll be better.

But I beg of you please,

To do this one favor for me:

Continue to have hope.

It’s the only way to keep your dreams alive

In the midst of daily nightmares.

Photo by Gabriel on Unsplash

Author's Note

Thank you for reading! Feel free to leave comments and reviews. I love to hear feedback!!! I appreciate every one of you and your support.

Reviews

[Nix is typing...]

Oh, god, Ziggy, this is heartbreaking...(It's rare for ME to be saying that)...I always love reading your writes, Zig, they're so freakin hauntingly beautiful, I feel like you've helped the reader experience the life through the eyes of you as a kid.... (I hope you don't get offended when I compare some of your poems to NF's songs) I know I've said this before, but this one 1000000% reminds me of "Nate", talking to your younger self, I love that...I should do a poem like this, but people would argue that "My younger self" is still happening, (Since I'm 17 and all) so I don't really know how that would go over with the masses...This was a wonderful letter, Zig, Thank you for sharing :)

Kindly, Nix ❤️️

[Ziggy Matthews]

I will never be offended with being compared to such a great lyricist like NF. Thank you for your kind words! I appreciate your support a lot!!!

[Nix is typing...]

You're very welcome, Ziggy :) Keep writing, I love to read you!!!

[Nomo]

Learning to lie at a young age, just to say you're fine. In a world that we live in so many children and kids will say "I'm fine" but deep down they are hungry and cold. Trembles with fear and pain, they don't know how to ask for help. I understand what you have written, haunting and beautiful yet all the truth.
Thank you for writing.

[Coyote Poetry]

Hard, honest and powerful words shared my friend.
"Continue to have hope.
It’s the only way to keep your dreams alive
In the midst of daily nightmares."
The above lines. A strong ending. Sometime hope, is all we have. Thank you Ziggy for sharing the amazing poetry and your thoughts.
Coyote

[Poetic Beauty]

I think many of us wear mask to hide something. Whether it be the scary reality of life at home, depression, or many other terrible thing. Trying to cope and not stand out.

It’s survival mode in this poem and many times as adults we will carry on hiding behind fake smiles when life gets tough.

Very detail poem of the many tragic things that can happen in life to a child. It is heartbreaking. I’m am fortunate not to have gone through that particular set of terrible events.

[Emily B]

I remember learning to lie. Learning that so much that i took for granted wasn't normal. What doesn't kill us makes us really messed up. It is good to read you.

[Ziggy Matthews]

Thank you so much for your review! What doesn’t kill us does really mess us up. That important first step is to acknowledge it.