Once upon a someday

I want a French chateau
with a tower full of books
and a ladder high enough
to plant lilacs on the moon.

It must have a window-seat
where I can reconsider the light:
              its' heartbeat, its stare,

and understand that my teeth are gravestones
for all the words I'll never speak.

Please, I only wish to polish the greenhouse mirror
with my lilac breath as sunrise
collects like dew on our skin

Reviews

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlande..]

each stanza it brilliant...the first I think is more subtle, which sets the tone for the rest very nicely
each is so visceral yet serene
I think you've really outdone yourself here girl!
not my usual spazz review, but hey, I'll save that for next time!

[Michael Thrower]

I agree with what a lot of people have been saying; each stanza is brilliant. Every sentence is a whole story and picture together. I'm jealous. This is far surpassed from just "amazing". This is the very essence of what dreams can create. I too share a love for the view you've set here. I could read this over and over, but it makes me long for a home I have never had except in the brightest and most memorable of dreams.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

As stated in another review, French chateau seems out of place to me. Perhaps a castle, maybe, would be better. Also, second stanza, line 3 ... "its' heartbeat..." You don't need the apostrophe after its.

The rest of the poem is beautiful. The imagery of your teeth as gravestones for all the words you'll never speak is simply brilliant. Left unspoken, the words die, hidden behind your teeth - the gravestones. Love it!

I'm so glad that I stumbled upon your work.

Great job!

Linda Marie

[Steven]

Yes yes, beautiful imagery and unique connections, as usual. But damnit, that dumb MOON keeps penetrating your work like a worn out d***o, haha. Can you write, like, five in a row without that old cluster of uninteresting sand and rock, which would be dead and dark without the occasional flashlight from the sun?! Ya know I love ya! ;D

[Chris]

One and two work - pure and simple. Three I question "and understand that" - for me it is just too vague in your selected form to generally point toward the who or what is either referenced OR supposed to understand anything - even rhetorically. The rest of three makes a good statement line but needs a preamble that works.

Four - I like standalone but it doesn't feel right as a fit within my perception of your overall intent.

[Steven]

Way too general man. Be more specific, throw out an example or two.

[Chris]

there is no need for an example of the first two. They feel fine as they stand. As for Three änd understand that" IS the point... who or what is to understand within the context of the work your phrasing of teeth as gravestones. As the reader I do... but within the work there isn't even a clue even if the phrase was strictly rhetorical - at least to me.

And stanza four is a strongly worded and thought-full piece that stands alone quite well; but, has no identity within the work and becomes merely a distraction - again it appears that way to me.

that help?

[Steven]

Better butter

[Samoda]

If am to be honest I enjoyed the structure of the poem and the wording was brilliant... the one tiny part I didnt like was when you said french chateau, the word chateau is already french and the architectural origins of those buildings are native only to france so it kinda sounds like a paradox

[eglantine]

Hm, you raise a good point--I had not thought of that. Thank you!

[bob, small b. aka invs]

my teeth are gravestones
for all the words I'll never speak.


words just don't get put together any better than that. you're still amazing.

[eglantine]

Thank you :)

[Winchester Saltgunner]

its so fresh and w lovely lit hun

[Melobldnfr]

You are such the artist, E. The way your mind works is the key, and that you are exquisitely talented in opening your mind in this fashion that puts what is inside out for us to view. Your words frame the art which is your mind. Thank you for sharing.

[.]

This is so awesome. I really enjoyed the imagery of the tower and the moon, and the gravestone/teeth reference is brilliant:)))) Great job


Cord

[eglantine]

Thank you for reading and reviewing Cord :)