Search for Love

I like it. There's a clear story, with some sub-plots hinted at. Good descriptive writing. I love the intermingling of speech with action and thought.
I don't understand how her parents are letting this happen though. Are they dead, don't they care or are they just away? Why is she living with her cousin? Are they a similar age?
When I read I'm trying to work out what is happening all the time and why. Perhaps it's too early in the story to answer these but I need to know sometime!
keep going you write really well.

Posted 10 Years Ago

Hey eleesahT
I find the opening is definitely intriguing, and it caught my attention quick! :) However, I don't find it realistic that she doesn't have a series of side effects from drinking the night before. (A headache, groggy, a little off balance, an unclear mind) When people get "hammered" often times it's common to see them having horrible head pains or head aches the morning after, and normally when people feel that way they wouldn't be thinking about things as clearly. It takes a little bit before they remember, maybe a few minutes to remember one thing, maybe a half hour, maybe they won't remember things until after the hang over is gone. Or perhaps they won't remember anything at all. Plus, I find it highly unrealistic that she wouldn't feel any hurt at all over her boyfreind telling her to F@#K off... Even people who are experienced with love will feel a little hurt, even if they didn't really care about the person they were dating, it's common for people to feel a little bit of sting. Even if it's ever so slight. When someone tells another person to F@%K off weather you are a guy or a girl, it's like a fresh bruise on your ego. Especailly for a girl who is 14 years old and only just beginning to realize the state of a newly found creature hiding in her closet. The newly found creature I like to call hormones. I feel that your writing is coming along great! I especially like the writing style you have. I would like to recommend (Just my opinion) that it might be good to either make your character older, or to make her a character that's taking high school classes in junior high simply because she's so smart. (If you choose the latter though, meaning she's so smart she is taking highschool classes in junior high, then it might not make much sense for Hannah's character to drink.) I like that she "Melts into her shoes" As you put it in the second chapter though! :) And I love how distinctive the differences between Mary and the main character are. :)

Posted 10 Years Ago

I like it. There's a clear story, with some sub-plots hinted at. Good descriptive writing. I love the intermingling of speech with action and thought.
I don't understand how her parents are letting this happen though. Are they dead, don't they care or are they just away? Why is she living with her cousin? Are they a similar age?
When I read I'm trying to work out what is happening all the time and why. Perhaps it's too early in the story to answer these but I need to know sometime!
keep going you write really well.

Posted 10 Years Ago