WHY I CAN NEVER FIND MYSELF

I’ve searched, really, I have. I did the Travel To Foreign Places bit, the Philosophy bit, the Psychology bit, the New Age bit, the Searching Within bit, the Deep Hypnosis bit, the Star Sign bit (I found out Leos consider everything a birth right!) even the Fortune-Teller bit where I was told I’d be rich and famous… “one day”. I never clarified whether she meant one day in the future, or just one day.

Here’s the problem. You know how you see a rainbow and it’s so damn close you think you’re almost in it? So you drive a little further and you’re still just outside of it. Drive a little further… same deal. You do it, even though you know how ridiculous it is… like trying to reach the horizon. You still do it though, because you want to know what it would be like, standing within that rainbow.

At the same time, someone else, further away from you sees the same rainbow. They wish the same thing. Only from their perspective, YOU are in the rainbow see! So you’re chasing the thing that you’re already in! (Took me a while to wrap my head around that notion!)

Looking for your self is kind of similar. You think the next attempt, the next approach will bring you closer. So you delve into whatever. You feel so close, just out of reach from your illusive self!

Never understanding you are there the whole time. Just like the rainbow, you are within, but you cannot see this within. You can only see the rainbow (and yourself) from without.

… Is your brain hurting now, because mine sure is! I started this with a very distinct point to make but then rainbows appeared so now I have no clue where I’m heading. And don’t you dare say over the rainbow!

I guess I can never find myself because I am myself. And this self that I am is a phenomenon, an optical illusion. I cannot therefore physically approach myself because I will always be somewhere ahead. I think it was Alan Watts who said “…the nose can’t scratch itself.”  (Is this even relevant?)

Have I given up trying? I don’t think so, despite this most compelling (?) argument against further attempts.

Help me out here! I'm dying a very slow death! Have you found yourself and if so, care to share?

Author's Note

Help?

Reviews

[Peter Rogerson]

I don't know whether this will hep you, but I've no idea who I am. I know who I love (dearly) and I know what I can see. There's bits of the world all around me - but where in that jigsaw of bits and bobs am I? I have to conclude, therefore, that it's a damned good job my good lady knows who I am, and it's a comfort too. Maybe she'll pojnt me out to me one day...?

[Elise Anton]

You are spot on Peter! Your good lady is outside of you and so she perhaps 'knows' you more that you do. And I certainly do hope she lets on one day as to who you might be! Thanks for stopping by amd reading!

[Taylor]

Elise, welcome to Writerscafe! I am glad that you are now embarking upon sharing some of your writing. Now as for this fragment, I don't know how to help you -- first it seems like a stream of consciousness piece, but not a story -- possibly a piece of a story. Something needs to happen in a story and in this piece the narrator goes through a process of self-understanding, but I think that's not sufficient to call it a story. What the fragment does show is that you write well; you have a nice conversational style. I'll look forward to reviewing more of your writing. It's customary when someone reviews your work, to return the favor by reviewing theirs.

[Elise Anton]

Hi Taylor, this was one of those things that popped into my head and I didn't know quite what to do with it. I agree with everything you said, you were spot on. I put it out there partly out of frustration, partly to see whether anyone else could pick up where I left off... Really, I should have either worked it through ot put it to the side but I felt some people here might have experienced similar dilemmas and seen the humour... Thank you so much for taking the time to read and offer advice! Cheers and I will return the favour.