A Chapter by E.L. Debbage

Experimental, may not be included.

I don’t understand how I got to this place. I don’t understand the people i spend my days with and most of all; I cannot begin to understand myself. Here’s the thing: I don’t choose who I become around people, countless personalities consume my being. I can tell, that like a chameleon, i change to suit my surroundings. Rarely do I like the personalities that secure me to others. I swear I despise them. I say things I don’t agree with and internalize them until what I truly believe is lost and forgotten. Long term discomfort, short term satisfaction. One, was a disgraceful person; unforgiving and horribly self centered, yet so honest, I was in awe. I created her in response to strong personalities that were attracted to me like magnets. Another, she was depressed; she dressed in the same shade of grey every day and listened to the same sad music. I created her as security, as who sees opportunity in eyes that shine so dim? What doesn’t move them doesn’t matter.
             I didn’t think I was capable of love. The whole idea sickened me; it still makes me want to hide away forever. I’m unsure what I could possibly mean by that, or where those thoughts came from. Sometimes when I’m in the shower or in a room full of people I feel this horrible nausea that seeps through me and all I want to do is never feel anything again, because everything is wrong and nothing can ever be right. I’m different, I know I’m different, yet i do not understand how or why. Still this comforts me in some unknown sense. I feel wanted yet unsatisfied, desirable yet objectified. Forever have I disregarding my own feelings, to such extent I forgot they existed. So wise yet so unhappy, i neglect myself like an unwanted child, my body is my home and I rely on others for maintenance. Relationships conspiring from loneliness appear undesirable but how unaware are we of how commonly we obtain them? How many of your peers conspire from convenience?

Friends and family ought to see through an act, should they not? Maybe mine was too real. The walls were left untouched. How can you help someone who doesn’t cry out? I’m not an actress, but I’m a believer that any protection in the form of a hostile being will be at your disposable if desperate enough; you might not even know it. How can we ever be sure in this world? Modest smiles and shy glances, introverted weekends act as safety to my burdened soul. You make a home in a bubble for short term relief, nobody can blame you; it’s what humans do. So alone in our minds, will we choose to follow or avoid? Do you see how foolish you’d be to judge someone for partaking in an act of destruction? First take a look at your vices. Drinking slows the mind; frantic thoughts become blurred, let’s leave the thinking for later and allow ourselves to live. Smoking is toxic, yet how little most care, because breathing in poison is more personal than fresh air. Under eating is dangerous, it weakens us, but whose to care when the true feebleness of our being is already there? Why risk becoming bigger than life its self, why fear death when you fear health? All we want is comfort and all we lack is guidance. But what do I know? I’m young and inexperienced. Though it still appears clear to me how far we’ll go to survive, to fulfill our unspoken purpose; sometimes people stop and question why. Through story, poetry or prose, this is the fork in my long and twisted road.

© 2015 E.L. Debbage

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Excellent writing! One can find itself in your........voice.

Posted 4 Years Ago

You are a great writer! Very intriguing and well put. I like the character, I feel her inner turmoil, you described it so well and is relate-able in many ways. Would love to see how this develops!

Posted 4 Years Ago

This is amazing. I absolutely adore the way you write; it's extremely genuine and also quite abstract at the same time. There's an elegant, yet emotional feel to it. Keep writing!!

Posted 4 Years Ago

I love it. I think what I first notice (and cherish) in a writers style is his style of creating sentences. Your are so refreshing and easy to write - I don't quite know how to explain it, but I enjoyed this work of art and your style that can be felt in it, all the way, realy much:).

Posted 4 Years Ago

A good read thss far. I look forward to more of you work

Posted 4 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

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5 Reviews
Added on June 22, 2015
Last Updated on June 30, 2015


E.L. Debbage
E.L. Debbage

Norwich , United Kingdom

Hi, I write a lot of poetry most of which is probably garbage more..

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A Poem by E.L. Debbage