Bad Grammar Doesn't Get the Girl

Written for a 'Cheesy Pick-Up Lines' contest. A guy sits down at the bar and tries to pick up a woman. Little does he know that she won't be impressed.

He sat down at the bar

The only thoughts in his head

Being the light in her hair

And her dress, which was red

And she looked at him vaguely

Not seeming to mind

Until he cleared his throat

Ready to feed her his line

 

"Hey," he said, in the smooth sort of voice

That he hoped made her think that he drove a Rolls-Royce

She seemed not to notice

Though she did seem to hear

"Who're you?" she enquired, her tone even and clear

 

"I'm the guy that they picked for a very large task,"

He said, smiling through his best movie-star mask

"Oh?" she said, not seeming impressed

"Yes, but I've made a mistake, I confess,"

He said as he showed off his pearly whites

Which he'd made sure to polish before going out for the night

 

"They told me to figure out which letters go where,"

He explained as he smoothed back his sleek, shiny hair

"But it seems I was wrong," he said with a sigh

"Because nowhere together do we find 'u' and 'i'."

 

There was a moment's pause as his line sank in

She folded her hands, looked at him with a grin

And said, "It wasn't the best idea, it's true,

For the world to think of letting you

Decide the rules that all your peers

Have loyally followed for all these years."

 

He quickly kept his jaw from hitting his knee

"Whatever do you mean?" said he.

She laughed.  "'You and I' is improper, you see,

If anything, it should've been 'you and me'."

He grinned.  "Well, baby, can it be?"

 

She laughed again and got to her feet.

"I don't think so, but it was nice to meet

A man to whom the world is so in debt

For bringing us the wonders of the alphabet."

Then she walked out the door and into the street

He bowed his head and sighed in defeat

Then got up as well, feeling quite beat

 

He never returned after meeting her

His absence never caused much of a stir

But it was rumoured among his friends that on his nightstand

Remained a children's English workbook,

Always close at hand.

 

Author's Note

What did you think of the 'rhythm' of this poem? Did the ending suck as much as I though it did?

Reviews

[LSS]

I loved your poem. The rhythm seems flawless. You have the talent to win easily. Its going to be hard for JK to decide. You might want to edit your last stanza a bit and pick up the ending of the lame-in-ator.
LSS

[JohnL]

I just read it. I was not conscious of any awkwardness in the flow, the verses or changes of dialogue, all of which ran smoothly. The play upon grammar was clever but we was robbed of a happy ending but gorra good poem for free. Whoever started using for in that context should remain a life-long celibate.

[Daniel]

Haha. I loved it!
This story was hilarious and I loved the rhyme.

Great job. :)

[J.K. (Not Rowling)]

Wow... a pick-up line shot down by grammar! Well done. I didn't find myself trying to figure out the rhyme, the poem flowed well, so it definitely had a natural rhythm to it. I enjoyed the whole piece, even the end (which most definitely did not suck). Thanks for participating in the contest!