December, When He Hates Himself

Esther and Kyle realise life is tougher than they can handle. Instead of coping, they plan to run away. To the countrysides and to the beaches, away from people and sadness.

December, When He Hates Himself

Just now, the judge said Barry is sent to prison for eight years for third degree criminal sexual conduct, whatever that means. I sat out there and gave witness like Bianca did. I hesitated because in the back of the room, I saw Kyle the first time since a few months ago. The security asked him to remove his cap. 

     Right before we go in court, my barrister Robbie, whose wife Pepper is pregnant, dragged me to a corner. 

     "He doesn't want you or your family to know this," Robbie says, "But Pepper asked me to tell you, so here it is. Your famous friend has paid me all the fees. For the court and my charges. He asked me to send him the bill." 

     "When did he contact you?" 

     "He contacted your dad, actually. And I was phone with him in August. Your dad is going to cover that up." 

     I nod and go into the court. 

     Mum was there (she came back for the court day, and she's dating a Frenchman) , and dad, who I spend a great amount of time with now since Colleen becomes my full time stalker. Uncle Mike was there and now he's trying out the donuts in the court coffee shop with Bianca. Steve sat next to Bianca's mother, and I keep noticing the way he looks at her. Robbie, my dad's friend, is my barrister. His wife Pepper is pregnant. The case is closed and people are exiting from the court. 

     "I'll find you later," I say to Bianca and I hear Colleen calling me. I keep striding, following the capped, skinny figure. Eventually I follow him into the empty lift in the far end of the corridor. 

     "Hello," I say. I press the top floor. 

     Kyle doesn't say anything. I can't see his face due to his big cap.

     "Thanks for coming," I say. 

     "I said I'd come," Kyle says, "I'm going to the ground floor. Jared is waiting for me. It's the National Music Award tonight." 

     "But it's just 11:30 a.m." 

     "I need to get ready," Kyle says. He has smoked too much now that his voice is damaged.

     "When did you get here?" 

     "Fifteen minutes before the start of court," Kyle says. "I'm busy." 

     "Don't you want to go to the roof top? It's quieter there," I say. 

     "You've been here several times?" 

     "Yeah, my dad said that's where people do the social smoking," I say, "It's empty now." 

     Kyle nods. 

     "It's been a while," I say when we push the door open. 

     The sky is a milky, cloudy white. Kyle shrugs. It's filled with snow. I give Kyle my gloves. I light my cigarette and Kyle finds an air handler. He wearing a black tee shirt and dark jeans. He pushes away the snow on the flat surface of the air handler. He takes out a small plastic bag and pours some power onto it. He takes out a razor blade from his jean pocket and draws a thin line of the coke with it. 

     "Oh s**t, I left my wallet in the car," Kyle says, "Give me a banknote." 

     I take out one from my wallet and he rolls it. He puts one end near his nostril and the other end on the line of power. He inhales and draws back his head. He closes his eyes and smiles. He does the same again with the other nostril. 

     "How much are you getting these each day?" I ask. 

     "Enough for me to get through the day without being too sober," Kyle says, rubbing his nose. His thin cheeks are a bit red. He is a living dead. "But we're having the Award and Fane asked me to go with Livy. So I'll probably have to take some more before I go." 

     "You trying to kill yourself?" 

     "You said we should be nice to addicts." 

     "That's what you are now? An addict?" I say. 

     "What about you? How much are you drinking every day?" 

     "Enough for me to get through the day without being too sober?" I say humourlessly. Kyle has a barking-like, harsh laughter. He's grinning so much now that I'm sure it's because of the cocaine. 

     "You remember you've called me one time? You were so wasted," Kyle says. 

     "I know I did. I've seen the phone record. What did I say?" I say as he takes my cigarette and takes a long drag before putting it back into my mouth. 

     "That you love me," Kyle says. "That you've seen the news that Livy is my girlfriend and you hate me for that. And then you say you love me again. And you were telling your stupid sneaker joke over and over until, I think, your phone ran out of battery and it stopped." 

     "You didn't hang up." 

     "It's been a while since I've heard your voice," Kyle says. Kyle laughs madly, "Livy is my girlfriend! Fane Bane set it up and said it's time for me to have a mature relationship. I f*****g love that woman! She can criticising everything and tells people everything on her f*****g television show! I f*****g love the songs she wrote. Did you listen to 'He Lied to Me But I Forgave Him' and 'I'm Taking Him Back'? She deserves a Grammy."

     "Are you okay?" 

     "I'm brilliant!" Kyle smiles. "And Bedir got a good GPA. If only I could go to university. University! Haha." 

     "How is Raya?" I ask. Raya and Kyle were dining in a restaurant in mid August. I read from the news that Kyle was breaking up and her and she yelled at him and flipped the table. She went hysterical. Somebody video tapped that. When they were leaving the restaurant, Kyle punched a photographer and was sued until Kyle apologised and paid him a sum of money.

     "She's in a rehab. I've called Dr Gwen lately and she said she was doing great," Kyle says, he laughs and it's scary, "she's seeing doctors every Tuesday in the rehab and withdrawing from the industry. Calming pills every other night. And therapists. They've got her a nutritionist and a fitness trainer. They're getting her back on average weight. It's working." 

     "Must be expensive," I say. 

     "I'm paying the fee. It's not really that much," Kyle says, "and last week I went to see her. She looks great. She sketched my face. I put it in my room but Livy threw it away. How much I love that woman." 

     "Why are you with her?" 

     "You don't like that?" 

     I smoke my cigarette. 

     "You don't like that." Kyle says, and he laughs again, "never mind. How's Bianca?" 

     "She has enrolled into my school earlier than I've expected," I say, "and everyone likes her. Except Colleen. Colleen is... I was in the flat with Ian, to you know, that. I was naked and she has the f*****g key. We were in the middle of it and she came in without texting or calling in advance. That's my flat. She screamed and hit Ian with the pan and threw cups at him. She wanted to call the police. She told my mum, my dad, Steve and Uncle Mike and her youth group about that. Getting through the time in the flat is insane. Bianca has my mum's room now, but Colleen is treating Bianca the way she treats me. Bianca swears at her and she goes crazy, shouting ten times louder back. 'I really don't get you. You're rude and I hate talking to the two of you.' 'You're making me really angry and I don't want to have conversation with you'. 'You don't get my points, do you!'. 'Talking to you is disheartening.' 'For once, don't talk back and do what you're told.' 'You really think you're old enough to know what you want?'. Yeah. What is I want is I don't want to see her face." 

     Kyle laughs.

     "All mum and Uncle Mike asked was if I had protective sex, that's all. Colleen is driving me to an extreme that I avoid staying in the same room with her. When I'm in my room, she comes in without knocking the door. When I go out to Ian's, or dad's, she goes like 'where are you going?', 'why you're always going out?'. So I just stay at Uncle Mike's or Dad's or somewhere until she has to go back to her own house." 

     Kyle takes off his cap and puts it on my head, I wonder if he listened. 

     "You want coke? I can give you some in case she annoys you," Kyle says, "I have the best coke. Funny, why doesn't the police ever check famous people's bag?" 

     Kyle sits on the snowed floor against the air handler and he pulls me down next to me. What made this widely loved 19 years old this fallen? 

     "When I f**k Livy, I don't use condom but I tell her I did. She never turns the light on. Fane and her tv show producers want to me fall insanely in love with her. They think our lives need more drama to stay on the headlines. I f*****g love hating this spoiled woman. I'm f*****g all her friends behind her back." Kyle says and takes my cigarette to smoke. I nod. He laughs. "F**k! F**k! Fane Bane said if I don't go out with her, he'll fire me. F**k. Wait, I'll f**k Fane Bane's wife. One day." He laughs again. I know why he's saying these.

     "Is your little vengeful world fun then?" 

     Kyle laughs, "Yes! I'll tape it next time and send it to you. I have Lucy in the car. There's an after party after the award. It's going to be fun! I love parties! I don't stay in rooms now. Are you proud of me?" 

     I don't speak for a while.

     "Does it make you happy?" 

     "Very. I'm having the time of my life and you're stuck in your stupid, boring one because you don't come to London with me. I could have bought you fancy clothes and bags. I could have taken you to any place you want and got you a house or cars. We could have cuddled every night. You could have been my girlfriend. But you choose your s****y school and your s****y, fucked up life. You gave up mine. See where it gets you? And I am not taking you want back because you're a b***h." 

     "Verbal violence? That's the way we talk now?" I say. "You bloody swine. Arsehole, it takes a bit more than this to piss me off," I say. 

     So Kyle shuts up and I sit leaning on his bony shoulder. 

     "Can I keep the cap?" I ask. 

     "No. You have my jacket," Kyle says. 

     "Okay." 

     "Yes, of course you can," Kyle says. "You were so brave just now in the court." 

     "Thanks for paying the fees." 

     Kyle smiles. Kyle and I share the same cigarette and I text Bianca that I'll meet her at home. I sit on his lap. His arms are around me. He lets me take a drag of the cigarette and he puts it back into his mouth. He and I. The reconciliation all goes so naturally like we don't even have to try..

     "Have you bathed?" 

     "I didn't have to work the last two days. So I didn't," Kyle says. 

     "You smell terrible." 

     Kyle laughs and takes off my scarf and presses his nose against my neck. It's winter now and he's just wearing a tee shirt that looks three sizes too big. His nose is red and his hands are icy.

     "You don't. You didn't change your shower gel." he says.

     "Are you cold?" I ask.

     "Yes," Kyle says. 

     "I'll go to dad's office and get you a jacket," I say. 

     "Nah," Kyle says. "I'm used to the cold." 

     "Are you abusing yourself?" 

     "Seeing you is," Kyle says. I put my scarf around his neck and his cap back on his head. I rub his hands between mine.

     "We've never made love." 

     "No, we haven't," I say.

     "I feel so betrayed and angry whenever I hear the name Ian," Kyle says softly. 

     "You don't look like it," I say. I trace my fingers over his brows. 

     "Too tired," Kyle says. He kisses my fingers. The cigarette end almost burns me.

     "Can you go back to London later? Can you miss the award tonight?" I ask quietly. 

     "No," Kyle says, "it's only fair. You didn't come to see me when I left. So now, don't you ask me to stay." 

     "Come on, you can never be really mad at me. You know it." 

     "No. I come back because I never learn, but this time, like, I really hate you." Kyle says. 

     "Stay until one, and then you can go back and get ready for that dumb show," I say. 

     "Livy will be waiting," Kyle says. I take out his phone from his jeans and text Livy that 'Saw some old friends. Meet you later.' 

     "Type I Love You. Or she'll ask," Kyle says. I do and press Send. 

     "You never texted me," I say. 

     "Because I hate you," Kyle says. "I'm still stoned. I don't want to, like, do it with you when I'm stoned." 

     I get up and pull him up, "Let's just take a bath then." 

     We get down to the car park in the basement and Jared drives. Nobody speaks in the car and I cling to Kyle. We stop at Ian's granddad's house and I bring Kyle to the backdoor. Ian never locks it in case Kitty wants to come with her boyfriend. 

     "I think the radiator is on the second floor," I say and fill the bathtub with hot water. 

     "Forget it," Kyle takes off his shirt and his jeans. He takes off his boxers too and gets into the water. "You don't have shampoo." 

     "I can go and buy -" 

     "Nah, get in," Kyle says. I sit on the edge of the bathtub for a while and stroke his face and neck. Kyle chuckles, I do too. I take off my blouse and skirt. I unclip my bra and pull down my knickers and get into the steamy water. It's snowing outside, and I close the window. Kyle traces the shape of my breasts with his fingers, and then he drops his hand. He is sitting with a crooked back, as though he is trying to hide the lines on his thighs.

     "I'm going keep your knickers," Kyle says. He unties my hair, "as souvenir." 

     "Whatever," I say. I shake my head to keep the hair down. "How do we get back together so easily?" 

     "And why do we part so quickly?" Kyle says, "You're going to watch the show tonight?" 

     "No," I say. 

     "Good," Kyle says. "How's the foundation course?" 

     "Boring," I say, "I have a presentation in January. But that's boring as well." 

     "No, tell me," Kyle says, "What're you presenting?" 

     "I'm still deciding," I say, "Bianca is planning to write something about feminism and she'll design some clothes and symbols and a short film. I'm planning to just talk. I'm not sure if I'm able to speak for 20 minutes out there on the stage." 

     Kyle cups some hot water and pours it over my shoulder. 

     "What do you want to present?" Kyle says. "How about the topic How to Become An Alcoholic? I saw you drinking a small bottle in the back stairs before you met your family." 

     "I'm not proud of any of these."
     "Really, tell me how much you're drinking. Be honest with me," Kyle says. He sitting really close to me. "Steve said you are always sleeping when he visits. Really sleeping or you're just drunk. I know you."

     "You want to go get spliff? I know where Ian hides his stuff," I beam at Kyle. 

     "No, how often do you drink?" 

     "I'm running out of money," I say and trace the cut lines on his thigh. I stare at his c**k and I look away.

     "How often?" 

     "Every day," I say, "drink and pass out so I can sleep. It's nothing. I don't have a problem. Everyone drinks." 

     "That's an addiction," Kyle says. 

     "How often do you snort coke?" I say, "every day I guess?"

     "Because I have to! I need to look alive because there're cameras everywhere I go," Kyle says, "don't you think having this dark side is funny or cool. My nostrils hurt and sometimes I have nose bleed. And I can't eat and I am panting all the f*****g time."

     "I don't ask for it," I say. "I, too, am trying to look alive. Whenever I look bored or something, Steve or Uncle Mike and Colleen keep asking me stuff like if I'm depressed. They keep thinking I'll end up like Rulissa, but it makes things harder because I have to smile and laugh and make small talk. Don't lecture me, you're not doing any better yourself." 

     "I don't want you to be like me," Kyle says. 

     "Like what?" 

     "Dying. I miss the old times." 

     "Para social relationship." 

     "What?" Kyle asks. 

     "The topic. I want to present something about para-social relationship," I say, "like how audience accepts the illusion of an artificial figure."

     "Me."

     "What is orange and sounds like a parrot?" I say. Our fingers are crossed and legs are tangled, facing each other. 

     "Is it a bird?" 

     I shrug, "could be." 

     "A barn swallow? They've little orange under their beak," Kyle says. 

     "No," I smile, "a carrot." 

     Kyle smiles and shakes his head. 

     "You're dumb," I say and he laughs. "Do you like Russian dolls?" 

     "Yeah, I can mail you some if I go to Russia," Kyle says. 

     "I don't. They're so full of themselves," I say. Kyle laugh like a lion roaring again and I smile at him. We're not yet too bad.

     We sit and talk until the water becomes very cold. Kyle hears his phone rings and takes it out from his jeans pocket.

     "It's f*****g two o'clock!" Kyle says. "I need to run." 

     Kyle dresses up. I wrap the towel around myself and walk him to the backdoor. He gets into his car where Jared is sleeping in the car in the empty driveway. Kyle comes out of the car and goes up to the bathroom and comes down quickly. 

     "I got my knickers," Kyle says. He is wearing my scarf and gloves. 

     "Jared doesn't seem to like you," I say, leaning against the doorframe.

     "Everyone begins to hate me. They say the good kid is gone," Kyle shrug. "Will I see you again?" 

     "Well you hate me so -" I begin. Kyle starts smiling, so I do too.

     "I'll get through the award, and should I call you?" Kyle says, "we should try one more time."

     "Alright," I say. Kyle kisses my forehead and he gets into his car. I watch the car go away in the snow and I put on my clothes. I find a lot of cash under the cap. I go home and listen to Colleen's lecture about going away without telling her. Dad intervenes finally, reminding her that I've texted Bianca already. 

     "She was seeing someone important," Bianca rolls her eyes, "and she doesn't have to tell you anything. And Kim, why don't you say something?" 

     "I think Esther can -" 

     "No, young lady," Colleen says shrilly to Bianca, "you don't get involved with my family business." She turns to me and says in a sweet voice, "Esther, dear, who were you seeing? I think we have the right to know that."

     "No you don't," Bianca says. 

     "Can you shut up when I'm talking to my da- when I'm talking to Esther?" Colleen says. 

     "Bianca, let's go shopping," Uncle Mike says, "I'll take you to eat ice cream, and you'll tell me what to do on my first date with Janet." 

     "I'll go shopping and give advice as well," mum says. 

     "I'll drive," dad says and the four of them are putting on their coats. 

     "I'll go too?" I say.

     "No you sit here and listen to me," Colleen says, pointing a finger at me. 

     "Esther, listen to Colleen," Mum says. Uncle Mike winks at me and they close the door. Colleen starts talking about responsibilities and the need to focus on my study not seeing some random person. 

     "What is his name? I want his name," Colleen says. 

     I shrug. 

     "I will find that out when I clean your flat," Colleens says. I hate her and I hate her blonde hair. 

     "Don't you dare to go into my room," I say. 

     "Are you still seeing that boy from the last time? Ian, is it his name?" Colleen says. 

     I grab the key and leave home. I still here Colleen's voice when I'm in the lift. I go to Haagen Daz and sit there for half an hour before Uncle Mike and Bianca and mum arrive. I realise I am soaked. It's happening again. I'm sweating all the time and I'll usually puke after sweating. My throat is sore from all the throwing out. 

     "You didn't rescue me," I say when Uncle Mike sits down. 

     "I've tried," Uncle Mike says. "And you," he says to Bianca, "try to be nicer to Colleen even though it's impossible." 

     "There are some times I just want to hang up on her," Mum makes a hard face, "She calls me every night, reporting your behaviour and how to make you stay home more. I don't mind if you go out, Es, but don't let her know." 

     "She's calling me all the time as well," Uncle Mike says, "I've driven her to the youth group and I've heard the kids complaining about her. I think it's getting more serious. Steve says we should spend more time with her. We're old friends but she's not - I don't want to babysit her." 

     Mum sighs and covers her eyes with her hand. Uncle Mike and Bianca are out there arguing what ice cream to get even though they've eaten a lot of cheesecakes just now. 

     "Mike has become much happier when Bianca is around. Steve too now he gets to talk to her mother a lot," mum says. 

     "I think Uncle Mike sees Rulissa in her," I say. 

     "He does," Mum says, "did I tell you that it's Bianca who sets up Mike and that nurse Janet's date?" 

     "Actually, I've helped planning that too. Bianca came up with the idea and I drafted the date," I say. "We did it during our General Studies class." Mum smiles. 

     "Do you mind if I ask you who you were seeing?" 

     "Kyle. He came to support me." 

     "Why didn't he come and say hello? Well it's a good thing, Colleen hates him. She said he's getting into a lot of troubles these days," Mum scowls.

     "Reading a persona from the news is different from knowing him on a personal level, and I do," I say. "He's under a lot of pressure lately. I mean always." 

     "Colleen said he threw money at waiters and got into fights," mum says in a worried voice. 

     "He was stoned," I say, "He told me just now. But he's alright."

     "Well if you say so. If there's anything I trust now, it's your judgement," mum says, "your dad says you're always studying in his house. He's changed your baby room into a study." 

     "I know. When I got to the baby room for the first time, it shocked me how he still kept it," I say. "He's boring, but he's great. Why did you divorce?" 

     "Well," mum stretches her arms, "because we got married? Like you said, he was boring."

     "Uncle Mike calls him -"

     "The little filthy git," mum says and she smiles. 

     "And the French guy isn't boring?" 

     "He's very charming," mum says in an uneasy voice, "He is quite romantic. He sneaked into the museum with me at night. He makes me feel so young. We sat on a boat and I painted. He doesn't make much, but he's everything I want. He really makes me laugh all the time." 

     "Bianca is going back to the State for Christmas and Steve is invited too by Bianca's mum. How about this? Me and Uncle Mike and even dad, if he wants, go to France and spend Christmas with you." 

     "What about Colleen?"

     "She's got what? Youth group?" I say when Uncle Mike and Bianca sit down with the ice cream. We settle to bring Colleen to France as well. We return home and Colleen is sitting around the table with a stern face. She tells my mum about me walking out on her. I get into my room and Ian calls to ask about the court case. He said there were a lot of photographers outside the court front door. 

     "I went away from the basement," I say, "I went to yours to bath. I left some money. Did you see that on the television cupboard? It's for the spliff and drinks money I owed you." 

     "You've left me more than that," Ian says. 

     "That's for the spliffs later," I say. 

     "Okay, look I've found a lot of liquor on the shelves. They're yours?" Ian ask, "that's a lot of alcohol. You have to stop." 

     "I can't," I say, "I'm - forget it. Why did Kitty call you today?" 

     "She was having a fight with her boyfriend," Ian says. I hear him smiling. We hang up soon after talking about the court. I call Kyle. 

     "Hello," I say. He answers after the second ring. 

     "Hey," Kyle says, "you miss me already?" 

     I chuckle, "No. Are you in London now?" 

     "Yes. I'm all dressed and the hair is done," Kyle says. 

     "Where is Livy?" 

     "Getting her makeup done," Kyle says. I hear someone knocking the door on his line and there's Marco's voice "Hey mate, I need to talk to you before we go."

     "Why? You want coke?" Kyle says, "it's in drawer inside the tour dates book." 

     "Not that." 

     "I'm on phone," Kyle says, "If you need money, find my new accountant - he's - I don't remember his name."

     "No, mate -"

     "I'll talk to in the car?" 

     "I need to talk to you now," Marco says. 

     "Two minutes," Kyle says and I hear the sound of the door closing. "You're having my two sober minutes." 

     "What's up with him?" I ask. 

     "He's acting weird lately," Kyle says. "Always on his phone." 

     "Anyway," I say, "Where're you spending your Christmas?"

     "I'll probably go home."

     "I'll go to France, but I'm thinking about coming back two or three days earlier so I can find you. Or you can come and stay for a night? Colleen and Bianca will be out of the country. Or you want me to find you in London?" 

     "I'm fine with any of the plans," Kyle says, "but look, you need to know that I can't break up with Livy. It's -" 

     "Not your choice," I say, "I know. It feels wrong -" 

     "Forget that. Greenyard or London?" Kyle says. "Greenyard is quieter but Livy will go back to her old family house in Durham with her family, and I can pretend to be sick. We can stay indoor and - I don't know - do whatever you want. I'll buy a Christmas tree yeah? I'll decorate it." 

     "Sounds great," I smile. "Call me after the show?" 

     "Yeah," Kyle says. Neither of us speak on the line and I'm waiting if he wants to say 'I Love You'. 

     "Mate, I really have to talk now. I'm in a big trouble," I hear Marco's voice. 

     Kyle groans and he says. "I'll call you. Bye." 

     He hangs up. Colleen is shouting at Bianca because Bianca keeps talking back. 

     "Alright, it's time for us to leave," Uncle Mike says loudly, "Esther, you said you have homework, right? We'll leave and you'll study. Come on Colleen." 

     "I'm going to stay in case she -" 

     "She doesn't need anything," mum says, "I hardly come back and let's go to a pub." 

     "Pub! Great! I love pubs!" Uncle Mike exclaimed. 

     "Great!" Bianca says in a fake voice and when the three of them left, she changes into a dress and hugs me goodbye. She is going to hang out with her mother and Steve. 

     "You'll be okay here?" Bianca says. 

     "Yeah," I say. "Thanks for putting up with Colleen." 

     "Never mind," Bianca says, holding up two shoes, "heels or flats?" 

     "Flats," I say and she puts on her shoes. 

     "Honestly, I think you need to take her to a therapist or a psychologist," Bianca says, "I'm not joking. She needs professional help, not friends putting up with her. Ask Mike to get her an appointment. It's for her long term health." 

     I'm alone in the flat. I go into Bianca's room and takes out some vodka from the box under her bed. Colleen won't check her room. Mum is staying at Colleen's tonight. 

     I pop the bottle and do search for my presentation about para-social relationship. I make a draft and boil the pasta. I make dinner and smoke a spliff and finish some homework on the dining table. At around eight, I turn on the television and watch Kaigan. He looks too happy and Marco looks stern. When the camera is on him, he grins and laughs for no reason. 

     There was somebody singing on the stage with many dancers and a great music beat. I'm reheating yesterday's bread pudding and I hear a sudden cheer and screaming. I look at the television and there Kyle is. He runs towards the stage and jumps up and down and waltzes and hops and spins with a beaming face. The singer stares at him awkwardly and so do the audience. Eventually the music slow down and people dressed in black grabs him from the back, takes him away from the stage. 

     "What the f**k," I mumble and I sit in front of the tv with the hot pudding. 

     I watch the program and Kyle doesn't appear until he performs some summer song. He's off the notes for half of the song and towards the bridge, he laughs and says "sorry everyone, I forget the lyrics" and he hums the melody. And then he bends down in the left middle of the stage and he pukes until he sits on the floor. He looks up again and he laughs. Some dancers and guitarist grab his arms and carries him off the stage. It goes to commercial quickly. I grab my phone and call Kyle. He answers my third call. 

     "Hi Hi, are you okay?" I say. 

     "I feel brilliant," Kyle says. And he yells, "Excuse me, I'd like to be alone! I'd like the room clear - in another words, everyone f**k off." 

     It's been a while and Kyle is on phone again. 

     "Hello Esther Brown," he says. 

     "You were so rude. Are you okay?"

     "I won't be," Kyle says. "Mind you, read the news tomorrow. I'm doomed. Don't call me again. Remember that it isn't me." 

     "What isn't you?" I say. 

     "It's Marco," Kyle says, "I won't do such thing. I snorted everything I had after Marco told me that. I'm fucked." 

     "What are you talking about?" 

     "See you," Kyle says and he hangs up. I watch the television again and Kyle is sitting next to Livy. He looks normal for a second. They're presenting the best selling record of the year and the host says Livy's name. She cups her mouth and everyone except Kyle around her stands up and hugs her. People clap and Kyle stands up at last and kisses her cheek. Livy goes up the stage and says "Thank you - I -" 

     And the camera is on Kyle again. Kyle cheers loudly and runs up towards the stage. He snitches her microphone and says, "Everyone is proud of my baby girl!" 

     Livy glances at him and smiles uneasily. 

     "I love you, and you know that," Kyle shouts, "We have the best sex ever!"

     Kyle grabs Livy's face and kisses her passionately for about two silent minutes before giving the finger to the camera and walks off the stage. It's all on the national television live. I call him, he turns off his phone. 

     "I've seen Twitter," is the first thing Bianca says when she gets home. I turn off my phone. "He looked like a human being last time I saw him," Bianca says, "What's got into him?" 

     I tell her about Kyle's phone call.

     "We just have to wait for the morning then," Bianca says. 

     "I'm scared," I say. Bianca sits in the living room with me until morning comes.

     "I have a terrible feeling," I say, "I'm skipping school today." 

     "It's just General Studies. The old hag won't mind," Bianca says, "I bought the newspaper when you were taking a shower. I've made breakfast.," Bianca hands me a roll of grey paper, "And Esther, calm down no matter what you read." 

     I wait until Bianca left, and I unfold the paper. Kyle's face is on the front page, and the content isn't about the award last night. There is an abuse accusation against Kaigan. 

     It writes, "Kaigan has reportedly involved in manipulative and abusive online relationships with young, underage women through Twitter and Instagram. The story comes to light when a 16 years old girl's parents discovered her private messages on Instagram, including the teen's nude photos, with Kaigan and reported to the authorities. Kaigan is accused of owning child pornography and is now questioned in the police station in London. Bailment is not allowed for the next 24 hours due to the still increasing number of reported cases. After the case is exposed online last night during the National Music Award, there were many more young women, both underage and legal, speak out about Kaigan's online abusive relationship them. According to the many anonymous interviewers who posed on Tumblr, Kaigan used manipulative language "complimenting me and told me that I'm beautiful" and that he 'wants to have a secret relationship with me'. Soon the conversations turned into sexual and verbal abuse. Kaigan demanded the girls to 'take some naked photos and send them to me (Kaigan)'. After they did the first time, Kaigan demanded for more and threatened them. It is confirmed by the authorities that the accused accounts belongs to Kyle Mentor. The accusation of Kaigan soliciting sexually explicit photos from fans (including the underage ones in the States and Canada) is worrying since Kaigan's fan base includes teen girls from 10 to young adults. Fane Bane, Kaigan's manager and the founder of FB Records claims that 'I have always known that Kaigan is an extremely misogynistic young man. I am absolutely horrified by his actions and very disappointed in myself for not realising his behaviour sooner. Yet, despite all these, Kaigan is still a young man who deserves a second chance. After all the legal work, Kaigan's records will continue to sell.' Regarding the issue, the award winning producer Randy Logan argues that 'I do not believe Kyle will do such thing. Anyone who know him knows that he is a respectful and humble young man. I am sure somebody must have made a mistake.' Many parents express concern towards this unexpected and disturbing issue. Kaigan's Twitter and Instagram accounts are deleted at midnight and there are petitions to boycott his music and any of his products. 'If you were involved in this sort of relationship with Kyle Mentor, please speak out and do not hide from or over them up. We will try our best to help .' Fane Bane adds." 

     There are five pages giving details and background of Kyle. I've seen my name a couple of times. There is a small box that writes "*Parents Guideline: If your daughter, or son, is a fan of Kaigan, please do ask them and discuss the Kaigan issue with them." There is even a police hotline for parents to report the case. I flip to the last page, it's about Kaigan's behaviour last night. They believe he was drunk. I read the newspaper again and here's Raya's comment from her Instagram. Under the photo of the word A GOOD MAN, she writes "I know Kyle very well, I tell you what? This whole thing is mad. He'd rather die than do something like this. There's something wrong. I assure you from the depths of my soul that he will never, ever do that. And hey, Fane Bane? F-uck you, Kyle is not misogynistic. You are." 

     It's just been one night and so much happened. I hear my phone rings. I don't know the number but I answer it. 

     "Hello is this Esther Brown? This is an interview from Red Fruit Newspaper. We would like to ask if you have been involved in any kind of abusive relationship with Kyle Mentor. We know that you've been assaulted, but if you can give further details about Kaigan -" 

     I hang up and I call Kyle. It's off, he must be in the police station. I am shivering. I breathe and pant and take out spliff and smoke and the end of the spliff burns the back of my hand. I wash my hand in the water and I smoke a cigarette. I calm myself and I call Bianca, she should be having a break now. 

     "I don't know what to do - this is mad - it's impossible - he didn't do it. It's Marco, he's told me last night - Kyle wouldn't do that, I promise -" 

     "Listen. Listen. Hey stop talking and listen for a sec," Bianca says, "people are wondering where you are now at school. I'll cover up. Can you call him? Are you sure he hasn't done it?" 

     "He hasn't. I'm dead sure," I say. "I need to get out of here before Colleen arrives. He's turned off his f*****g phone." 

     "Mike is in the hospital, you can hide there. Photographers aren't allowed in." Bianca says, "He drove me to school just now. Call a taxi. Leave from the backdoor. I'll meet you at the hospital." 

     "What about your class?" 

     "Well you owe me five pounds for that then. I could have sat next a fit guy," Bianca says. "Go now." 

     I do as told and I answer mum's phone in the taxi. 

     "He didn't do it," is the first thing I say.

     "Honey are you sure -" 

     "Yes! More than anything," I say. 

     "Maybe you just didn't know it -" 

     "No! No, listen to me. It'll be the last thing he'd do," I say.

     "What if he has manipulated you? Maybe Colleen is right about -"

     "NO!" I say. I try to look composed because the taxi driver glances at me, "ask Steve if you don't trust me. He's paid my court fees - I know dad said he did - it was Kyle. He came back to the court for me. You need to trust him." 

     "I don't know him that well."

     "Then trust me," I say. "I don't want to see Colleen because she'll start talking non sense about him. I need to go see him. I'm going to find Uncle Mike and Bianca and I'll see what to do then." 

     "After that, find your dad and ask him to drive you to London. It's about three or four hours. Your dad has lived in London for a while, he knows the legal process and people and maybe - I'm just saying maybe - you'll get to see him. The news said he can't be bailed but -" 

     "I'll just have to talk to him," I say. "Mum I'm really scared for him. He didn't do it." 

     "I - er - just don't panic," mum says. "Er - stay calm - er - I'll keep Colleen away."

     We hang up and I go into the hospital and ask for Uncle Mike. He is in the psychiatry department. 

     "Bianca has called me," Uncle Mike says to me when he sees me. He leads me to the 5th floor. Bianca is waiting near the lift, holding two heavy books. Uncle Mike knocks Dr. Pipe's room and talks to her for a minute. 

     "Janet can lend us her office for a while," Uncle Mike says. 

     "Janet is Dr Pipe? The doctor who keeps asking you to work full time?" Bianca exclaims and Uncle Mike rolls his eyes.

     "He didn't do it," I repeat to Uncle Mike. 

     "You need to be very sure -" 

     "I am," I say. I tell them about Kyle's phone call. "It's Marco. He knows Kyle's social media accounts passwords. Marco is the closest thing he has on tour and when I was talking to him last night, I've over heard that Marco was in trouble. This is the trouble. I need to call dad and I'll go to London." 

     "You probably can't see him in the police station," Uncle Mike says.

     "I'll have to try," I say. 

     "Did you hear that there are about three more new reports today?" Uncle Mike says. 

     "What?" Bianca says. 

     "It doesn't matter," I say. "I'll phone dad." 

     "I can't just leave my job here like this," dad says after I explain the situation. "I'm sorry honey. I have three cases today." 

     We stay silence for a couple of minutes. I keep running my hand over my eyes and forehead. 

     "I don't know what to do," I say. 

     "I can give you my car," I hear dad say. "Can you come and pick up the key now? And you keep driving and there's GPS in the car. It'll take about three and a half hours."

     "No, what if they don't let me in?" I whisper. 

     "I'll see who I can call and I'll text you," dad says. "You get there in the afternoon. I don't think they've given Kyle a warrant yet. Will Kyle report Marco?" 

     "I don't know," I say. "I can't call him. What should I expect?" 

     "Speaker." Bianca mouths. I press the button. 

     "I suppose he will be held in a custody cell for questioning. I think they've taken his phone as an evidence. He will either be released, or charged, depending on what he confesses." 

     "Confesses what? He hasn't done it," I almost yell. 

     "Shh -" Uncle says, "if you don't keep it down, they'll take you to the psychiatry department." 

     "I'd like a visit," Bianca says. 

     "Does he have any criminal record?" Dad asks. 

     "No." 

     "I'll call an old friend, his name is Darren -" 

     "Oi, not Booger Darren?" Uncle Mike says. 

     "Can you ask your uncle to respect the man who once bailed him when I was away?" Dad says in a disapproving voice. 

     "But he still is the Booger Man," Uncle Mike says. Bianca laughs. 

     "Please! I'm trying to not panic and you're talking about booger," I say. "What else should I do? He is allowed to get legal advice, isn't he?" 

     "Yes, I am not sure if you are allowed to see him," dad says. 

     "I'll go there anyway," I say. "I'm coming to get your car."

     We hang up. 

     "Give me your car key," Bianca says to Uncle Mike, "I'll drive her to the court. Don't worry, I won't crash it."

     Uncle Mike walks us to the hospital car park and gives me a hug before I get into the car. I have never been to London before. 

     "What are you going to do next?" Bianca asks. 

     "I'll wait with him until they release him," I say. "If Marco doesn't confess, Kyle'll be ... dead. They could put him in jail for 16 years for holding child pornography!"

     "Well I'm quite -" 

     My phone rings. It is another unknown number. I want to hang up. 

     "Wait - aren't you going to answer that?" 

     "It's probably some interview," I say. 

     "Could be Booger Darren," Bianca says. I answer the phone. It's a female voice. 

     "Esther Brown?" 

     "I'm not doing any interview," I say. 

     "Oh, good me too," she says, "This is Raya McKelly. I've met you. Kyle has given me your number before. Just in case. Look, the rehab only allows me to use the phone for 5 minutes. So, this is what you need to know. I've called Marco. He is driving to the police station now to make the confession. It's him. He uses his accounts to do those s****y things. Kyle doesn't know it. Kyle doesn't use Twitter and Instagram. All the tweets and posts and messages are posted and sent by Marco since about I guess one year ago. Kyle barely even touched his phone, he usually gave it to Marco unless his parents or you called. They'll probably keep Kyle until midnight. He was arrested during the award after party. Marco said Donkey Face just stood there and rolled her f*****g eyes." 

     "Who's Donkey Face?"

     "Livy. She'll break up with him. She isn't the kind of person who sticks around and I'm in the rehab now and they don't allow me to sign out," Raya says. "Physically, Kyle is going to be okay. Fane Bane still has the contract with him so he'll do anything keep him away from jail. Are you in London?" 

     "No. In Greenyard," I say, I press the speaker so Bianca can listen, "but I'll drive there soon. I'll get there before 7."

     "Good. You pick him up at midnight and I'm sure there's a backdoor in the police station. You get in the car. Don't let him drive because he'll be emotional. Don't give him drugs, yet - and make sure you don't have any joints with you when you go to the police station. Before he leaves, you ask the police officer if he can leave London for a while. I'll email you his house address. Use the Frith Street, there are less paps. There is a coffee shop in the end of the street and they still open at midnight. Get him and yourself a coffee. Go to his house, pack something and leave London tonight. Go to Greenyard, or Yorkshire, or Bolds, or Scotland." 

     "Why?" 

     "I know the press and photographers in London. They'll do anything to get the little dirt. If you don't bring Kyle away, they will destroy him. He's lost everything. And Marco - he's my friend but he'll go to jail because he deserves it. He ran away after the award and then he's decided to comeback. Kyle will still have to go back to London to give witness and sign papers, but that will be three or two weeks later if Marco's confession is good enough. The police will contact him when they need him back. Fane Bane won't mind him disappearing, he should be having trouble with Kaigan's world tour refund now. Everyone is boycotting his music. You can't let him be found. You keep him off the sight. You hide somewhere with him. If he wants drug, you let him once you're out of London. You make sure he is happy." 

     "Okay," I say. 

     "Any questions?" 

     "How are you doing?" I say. I realise Bianca has stopped the car. 

     "Not bad. Look, I was sick that night," Raya says, "I wasn't myself and haven't been in a long time. I'm trying to be healthy now. Kyle is a good guy, and I know you're the one he wants."

     Bianca gets out of the car to greet my father. 

     "How do you know?"

     "He is happy and he laughs," Raya says. "He doesn't laugh when he's with me and I never see him smile when he's with Donkey Face. S**t, time's up." 

     "I'm sorry that I -" 

     "I'm moving on, he isn't," Raya says. "Good luck with him."

     My dad hugs me and gives me the key. He will explain things to my mother. I get in his black BMW and plug in the key. Dad says Booger Darren will text me when he is free. 

     "I can't tell you grateful I am for all these - I - Gosh I don't know what to say -" 

     "It's okay," dad says. You'd better go now," he says and gives me a hug.

     "I love you," I say, for the first time, before getting into the car. 

     Bianca knocks the window. I roll it down. 

     "I don't have time for jokes," I say. 

     Bianca smiles, "this is not a joke. I'll get a new pack." 

     She hands me her pack of Marlboro and a lighter. 

     "A power bank. Just in case," Bianca takes out stuff from her bag and throws them on the empty seat next to me. "And gums. Just in case. And headphones. Just in case. And water. Just in case." She takes off her chullo and puts it on my head.

     "Thank you," I say. 

     "And money, for petrol," Bianca says and takes out all the cash from her thin wallet. "See you not so soon?" 

     "Thank you." 

     "Now you owe me ten pounds," Bianca says. 

     I smile and I drive. I turn on the GPS system and I try very hard to not drive over the speed limit. I press dad's music player in the car and there are a few old country songs. Then, there is Wild World. I press the REPEAT button and listen to every word. The three hours long drive is not insufferable. The things in my head are. My palms are sweating. If only I have drinks. It comes to me that this drinking thing is becoming an never ending struggle, I can't get rid of it. I crave it yet I detest it. The road is straight and long and empty with fences on the sides. I stop for a moment to light a cigarette. I drive with one hand on the wheel and the other outside the window, occasionally taking a few drags. I'm drained, but I can't act like I am. 

     I stop at a petrol station and fill up dad's car. I go into the shop but I have lost my appetite. I end up throwing up in the toilet though I haven't had breakfast. I keep driving again, reaching my third cigarette. My throat and stomach hurt. 

     Eventually I arrive at about three o'clock. London is crowded with busy people and busy street and busy traffic. People look stern and are always walking fast. I call Darren. My dad texted me his number. He says he apologises and says he really doesn't want to get involved with anything about Kyle, saying he is disgusted by his action and believes that I am manipulated by "his sly look and words". I park the car near a book shop. I check the phone record and call Raya's rehab again. The trees are bald and parks white and empty. The phone boxes are and street lamps are covered with snow. 

     "I cannot allow you to talk to our patient," the lady says on the other line. 

     "But it's urgent," I say, "Please, can you let her speak for three minutes?" 

     "I'm sorry Miss Brown. Rules are rules," the lady says. 

     I've bought myself a beer. London things are expensive. I manage to find the police station. I keep sneezing. I'm wearing my Doctor Who lounge trousers and a thin Scooby Doo sweatshirt in the police station.  

     "I'm his friend," I say to the police officer. 

     "You cannot bail him," the horse face police officer says. 

     "I don't have the money to do that," I say, "but please, can I just speak to him?" 

     "Are you in any legal position to speak to him?" 

     "No, but please," I say, "what I have to do to see him?"

     "You can wait until 1:00 a.m. He will be released by that time. He seems to have no clue about any messages he has sent. My mates said there was another boy coming in to confess a few hours ago. We'll see what to do then." 

     "After he is released, can he get out of London? Like tonight?" I say. 

     "Of course not! He has to come back for questionings and give testimony," the police officer says. 

     "It's Christmas soon," I say. 

     "He will have to stay at least for five days," the police officer says, "actually, have you committed in any kind of abu-" 

     "I wasn't in any abusive relationship with him!" I say.

     "In this case, you'll have to wait there until one o'clock," the police officer points at the blue chairs on the side. So I sit there and put on Bianca's headphone and watch the clock. I'm not playing any music, but I don't want people to bother me. There isn't anybody in the station except the officer who sits behind the reception table. Two hours later, he brings me a coffee. 

     "Thanks," I say. "You know, he hasn't done it." 

     "Have you ever considered the possibility that he could have lied to you?" the police officer asks. 

     "He won't," I say, "I know him before he became all these. He just wants to live, that's all. Has anyone come to visit him?" 

     "There's somebody called Randy who came to the police station with him last night," the officer says, "he's left his contact number. Do you want me to ring him?" 

     I shake my head. 

     "What about his parents?" 

     "Kaigan asked them to not come for some reason. I hear shouting when he was brought in," the officer says. "If I were you, I'd stay away from him. He's trouble." 

     I smile and put the headphones back on. I watch the clock again. My stomach hurts and I can't eat. It's finally dark outside. I sweat and I throw out in the toilet. When I come out, there is a man hanging his coat on the hanger and walks to the police officer. 

     "I still cannot speak to him?" The man says, "I've heard from Raya that Marco has come to confess." 

     "It seems so," the man says. "Why don't you wait on the side with that lady? Just because he is famous doesn't mean we are going to give him all kind of privilege." 

     The man, who I recognise is the producer Randy, sits down next to me. He takes out his phone and texts something. 

     "Hello," I say. 

     "Hi," Randy says and sighs, "anyone you know got in trouble?" 

     "Yeah," I say. 

     "Your brother or boyfriend? It's usually that," Randy says and puts his phone away. He smiles at me. He looks about forty something with short beard around his chin, wrinkles and a nice handshake. 

     "A friend," I say. "Actually it's Kyle." 

     "Ah, him." Randy nods, "you have received his messages online? Twitter or Instagram?"

     "I'm not those - those victims."

     "So you're the friend or family of the victim, is she inside giving witness?"

     "No, I'm his friend," I say. 

     Randy frowns at me, "Oh, I'm very surprised to know that. Almost everyone we know are turning against him. It's crazy how many Anti Kaigan Groups there are." 

     "Were you there? When he was arrested?" I ask.

     "Yes, yes," Randy continues, " Last night I was sitting very far away from him during the award, he looked strange. I thought he was stoned, but he looked upset. At the party - well I don't normally stay for after parties, my wife is waiting for me at home - last night I felt the need to stay because Kyle looked unstable. When the police came, the music stopped and Kyle said 'Can I just have one more minute? And then I'll go quietly'. I thought he was going to say goodbye to Livy, because he looked like he knew the police was coming. He knew it was the end of his career. He walked to me and shook my hand. He said 'Whatever happens, please know that it's an honour to have worked with you and I am always going to cherish jamming with you in the studio and your house' He took me by surprise, gave me a pat on the back and he went with the police. I stood there, not knowing what happened and watched him leave."

     "It wasn't him," I say. 

     "I know. Raya, his former girlfriend, is my friend's daughter. She said she sneaked out to call me. She was Marco's friend. Marco told her that Kyle asked him to run. Kyle wants to go to jail and cuts his life off screen. But Marco, during his run, regretted and returned to London. I drove that scum to the station this morning." 

     "Kyle speaks very high of you," I say.

     Randy smiles, "He's a good kid who got into the wrong field. Back then he was a talented, hard working and down to earth person with a passion towards music that blew my mind away. I've talked to Fane Bane a few times," Randy crosses his arms, "he and I don't get along, but it's okay. The way he is exploiting the boy is mad. I've warned him that Kyle is just a young kid. He didn't listen. Don't suppose you've seen Kyle's schedule, he never lets people look at it but I'm quite a close mate of his. There is so little break and Fane Bane has signed him up for so many events or gigs. Kyle isn't the kind of kid who likes to say no or let people down, but it's too much for him."

     "I," I look down, "I've driven about three hours to get here once I read the news. He - I don't know - he sort of, saved my life. The police said I can't see him until one." 

     "He told me the same thing," Randy says. "You're going to wait for him? I can't, I need to go home for the kids. I only came here to see if I could talk to him since Marco has admitted it all."

     "Don't worry, I'll wait," I say. 

     "Well, there's nothing we can do now anyway. It's just 6:12 p.m. Would you like to get dinner? I know there's a restaurant that serves good sea food."

     "No thanks. I don't have money, I'll stay here or, I'll go to a bakery," I say. 

     "My treat, come on," Randy says. Randy takes me to a restaurant. I try not to look cold when we are on the street. The restaurant serves delicious food, but I can only eat a little. He tells me how it is like to work with Kyle in the studio and talks about his kids. I go to buy two cups of coffees afterward and give one to the police officer. He thanks me and returns to his paper work. I smoke a cigarette in the car and sit on the blue chair again. At around ten, I find a convenience store and buy a beer to calm my shaking hands and sweats. I stare at the lit street lamps in the BMW for a while, listening to Wild World and drink the cold coffee. It's warmer in the car. I drive around London, it's a wonderful place with yellowish and bluish lights in the buildings and fairy lights on the trees. There are Christmas decoration everywhere. Couples are holding hands and walking on the snow, leaving beautiful prints on the floor. I call mum, who is in her house in France now. 

     "I'm okay," I say. "It's terrible for me to say this, but mum - I don't think I can spend Christmas with you in France. I'm sorry but I keep having this bad feeling and I don't want to leave Kyle alone. I mean, what if he kills himself? I want to stay with him, if that's okay."

     "Well, if you insist," mum sounds disappointed. 

     "I want to just," I clear my voice, "to make sure he isn't going to end up like Rulissa."

     We hang up soon. I look at the rear view mirror. There are tears running down my face. I wipe them away and call Bianca, who will be going to the States two days later with Steve. I call Uncle Mike and dad to assure them that I'm okay. Uncle Mike tells me about going to France with Colleen two weeks later. Finally at 12:45 a.m., I go back into the police station. The short distance between the station and the car seems immensely long, I strongly suspect that some of my limbs have already turned to ice.  

     I sit in the empty room and at around 1:04 a.m., Kyle comes out with the police officer. His eyes are wide when he sees me. The officer gets into another room. Kyle looks sick. There are heavy black bags under his eyes, untidy beard and hair, acnes and purple vein lines near his lower cheeks. His cheeks are so thin that I see the shape of his bone. 

     "Hello gorgeous," I say and smile. I open my arms and walk towards him. He steps back so I drop them. 

     "What are you doing here?" 

     "I was worried," my voice drops to a whisper, "Let's get you in the car. My dad lend me his. Please? Randy came. And Raya called me from the rehab." 

     Kyle shrugs, "they took my phone and cigarettes." 

     I give him my phone, "is there someone you want to call?"

     Kyle shrugs again. 

     "Well I have cigarettes in the car. Come on," I say. Kyle doesn't seem to want to move, so I take his hand and walk to the car. I keep sneezing. 

     "I want to drive," he says. 

     "No," I reply. 

     "Why?" 

     "Because - because - just let me drive," I say. I am intimidated. When we get inside, I turn on the car heater and play music. Kyle turns off the CD player. He lights Bianca's cigarette and smokes. I locate Kyle's house address (Raya emailed me) with the GPS and start the engine. I keep glancing at him, I keep away from crowded streets.

     "You're heading a wrong direction," he says fifteen minutes later. 

     I groan, "where - okay, this is the Frith Street, so I should turn left now, right?" 

     "Do you even know how to use GPS?" 

     "I do! I got here on my own with it - that's quite an achievement - and it's easier in the big roads in daytime," I say, narrowing my eyes at the screen, "so should I turn left now?" 

     "Turn right," Kyle says. 

     "Okay. Okay. Turn right," I say. 

     "You're a terrible driver," Kyle says. I ignore him. 

     "You look hideous," Kyle says. "What with the hat?" 

     "It's Bianca's. I was in a hurry," I say. 

     "It's snowing and you're wearing sleeping trousers and trainers and this little jumper and running around London," Kyle says. 

     "Yeah, keep teasing me," I say. "Should I turn right?" 

     "No, go straight," he says. 

     "Have you slept?" It's darker in the street here.

     "No," Kyle says, "I was excited, and then Marco came back." 

     "You planed to go jail after you said you wanted to try again with me. What a commitment," I say. I give him the finger while driving. 

     "I know you'll forgive me. You always do." 

     "I want to make an exception this time." 

     Kyle takes one of my hands off the wheel. Both of our hands are cold.

     "You could have been in jail for at least 10 years for that," I say. 

     "We'll start dating 10 years later then," Kyle says. 

     "F**k you," I say. I see Kyle smile in the corner of my eyes. 

     "I'm happy to see you," Kyle says. "I have coke in the house - the house - yes. I'm going to show you around. I think you'll like it." 

     "Sure," I say. "Are you hungry?" 

     "They gave me some bread. I miss dinner like this. Bread and water," Kyle says. 

     "Can you live off coke for a few days? You'll need to go back to the station and you need to be sober," I say. 

     "You're annoying," Kyle says quietly. 

     "Should I turn-" I glance at Kyle. He closes his eyes and cups my hand with both of his. With one hand on the wheel, I spend about half an hour silently finding his house. It's a blue, two story building. I'm wondering how to drive into the garage when I hear him. 

     "Took you long enough," Kyle says. I turns around and he's smiling. He kisses the back of my hand and gets out of the car. He goes into through green wooden door next to the wooden front gate and soon, the gate is opened and the front lights are on. I park the car in the garage and get out. 

     "Hey," I hear Kyle, who is standing in the front porch. He winks and the lamps in the front yard is switched. Although covered in snow, it is visible that there are flowers and plants of all kind clinging on the walls and the grounds. I manage to reach the front porch. Kyle lets the grass and flowers grow everywhere, not planting concrete steps. 

     "It looks like a secret garden here," I say. 

     "I pay the gardener well," Kyle says, "you should have seen it in summer. Minus the bees."

     "I love bees." 

     "A bee stung me once when I was five, you love a specie that almost killed me" Kyle says. "There's an artificial stream over there, but I cut off the water in winter. It'll be a problem if the water freezes. Oh, I've turned on the radiator in the house." 

     "It looks like the place we visited in Lion Fort," I say. 

     "That's where I get my inspiration," Kyle says, "Come on in." 

     Basically, the house is huge but empty. There's nothing on the walls or on the tables or in the kitchen except a knife, two forks and two spoons, two bowls and two plates and plastic cups. There is a small couch and two guitars next to the television. 

     "There are other rooms, but they look the same," Kyle says. "Give me a second, and I'll show you my bedroom." 

     Kyle pulls open the white kitchen drawer and takes out a plastic bag of white powder. 

     "No, no, remember what I said? No coke." Kyle frowns at me. "Show me the bedroom now." 

     So he shoves the coke back into the drawer and takes me upstairs. While my bedroom is small and filled with little stuff, his is huge and empty. 

     "Is there a paper beneath the pillowcase?" I ask. 

     "That's nothing," Kyle says. I take it out. The title says "A Man's Guide to Helping a Woman Who Has Been Raped". 

     "Mum mailed it to me," Kyle says. I put it back and look around awkwardly.

     "You put the fridge in the bedroom?"

     Kyle laughs, "Yes. You've got a problem?" 

     I smile. "Can I take a shower?" 

     "Okay I'll come with you," Kyle says. "I'll find you something to wear. The bathroom is the second room on the left." 

     The bathroom looks very clean with a sink and toothbrush and a bathtub. I take off my clothes and let the water wash over my body. I hear Kyle coming in the steamy room. He flips the curtains and gets in. He kisses me and I lean on his shoulder. 

     "The last 48 hours is crazy," I mumble. "Are you feeling okay? You knew what Marco did, so you got stoned to not think about it, right?" 

     "I thought that was my last night," Kyle says. "I was relieved when Marco told me and I was ready to go to jail. I made a false confession. But," Kyle chuckles bitterly, "when the police asked me the details, I couldn't make up the right things. Like, I've never sext anyone, so I didn't know how to answer their questions. They started suspecting. But," Kyle chuckles again, "I was too stupid, and too desperate. I said 'just throw me in jail, I want to be in jail'. They thought I was drunk or stoned, and they asked me again in the morning. I replied with the same thing until Marco showed up. What Marco did is unforgiveable, but I, like, I, just, like..." 

     "You just want to get away," I say. Kyle kisses me again. I put on Kyle's old clothes and boxers and sit on the bed across him. We turn off the light. It's 3:40 a.m. in the morning. 

     I put my hands over his neck, "I'm going to run away with you for a while. Raya said I have to keep you off London, because everyone here will want to stalk you and it will drive you crazy. So, we're going to stay here for a few days to settle the witness with the police, and then we'll leave." 

     "Where then?"

     "We have to go back to Greenyard first. I need to pick up a few things and give the car back to my dad," I say, "do you want to see your family in Bolds?" 

     "No," Kyle says, "well maybe. I don't want to hear mum asking questions and dad giving me talks. I don't want to explain things. Did I tell you that my dad broke up with Hailey and her kids left my house? They're a mess right now." 

     "But you should at least see your brother and sister," I say. "Bedir will be in Bolds. You are best friends." 

     "We'll see," Kyle says. We fall asleep and wake up at noon the next day. The police has called Kyle in the afternoon. They ask a few questions and they let him. We spend the night in the flat, did some online shopping. Fane Bane needs Kyle to go out to "not keep your private life too private". Kyle does and comes home looking really sad. 

     "Hello! " Comes Bianca's voice on phone. 

     "Hey how are you?" I ask when Kyle is in the bathroom. 

     "I'm packing and I hate packing," Bianca says, "How about you and him?" 

     "We're in the house. Can't go out," I say, "When's your flight?"

     "Tomorrow at night. At nine," Bianca says. "I'm taking your headphones, do you mind?" 

     We talk and hang up. Kyle is out having breakfast with Randy next morning. When he is gone, a delivery arrived. It was a Christmas tree and some decoration. I ask Kyle about it when he gets home. 

     "I said I'd get one," Kyle says, "too bad that we're running away. Let's decorate it anyway." We unpack the decoration and laugh and put the shiny things on the tree. Kyle broke the ginger bread man's arm. He goes to the police station again at night to give a final testimony. We do not know if Kyle will be charged for giving false witness in the first place. I know Kyle is struggling, he always peeks at the kitchen drawer. I try my best to keep him distracted, making puzzles and building legos with him and asking him to sing. I find liquor in a room and I drink whenever he isn't around. 

     On the fifth night, Kyle sits next to his drawer. He always smiles whenever he knows I notice his struggle. I try to keep him functioning while I'm faltering.

     "Come on, we can leave tomorrow night," I say, "they'll call you and let you know if all the charges are dropped before noon." 

     "I'm not worried about that," Kyle shrugs. "I'll bring coke on our run, but now, maybe, I should have a little bit - I've been behaving for the last few days, and you were around so I didn't need it that much. But now, like, just one line won't hurt." 

     "Can't risk that. Don't do coke tonight please." 

     "What should I do then?" 

     I look at him for a second, "me?" 

     Kyle scowls and smiles and he brings me upstairs and I take off his trousers. I laugh as we fall out of bed when we're making out.

*

     We got our coffee at midnight in the coffee shop Raya suggested. Kyle has been driving for about two hour. We left London and now are in the open road. 

     Kyle received a phone call from the station that he can leave London. But he must return before March since the first trial is on the end of that month. Kyle texted Fane Bane about his leave. Bane has called him for many times, Kyle doesn't answer his calls. We drive at late night, finished our coffee. 

     "You know, I really should drive. It's my dad's car," I say. Kyle smiles and shakes his head. We pull the car stop near a beach. I check the clock, it's 2:48 a.m. 

     "We should stay here until dawn," Kyle says. 

     "Let's go out," I say. 

     "It's dark," Kyle says. 

     "We have an electric torch and I can build a fire," I say. Kyle raises his eyes at me. "Rulissa and I used to camp with Uncle Mike. She was a scout. She taught me. And it's a shingle beach. " 

     I grab the torch and Kyle's lighter, and put on a coat and gloves and scarf and hat. I have ordered some clothes online. I walk on the uneven pebbles and turn the torch on.

     "Is there anything I can help?" Kyle shouts from the car.

     "Grab the blankets and pillows, and wine and speakers and your iPod," I shout back. Kyle turns off the light of the car and clumsily brings the items to the centre of the beach. 

     "What are you looking for?" 

     "Tinder and kindling," I say, picking up some stray, dry straws and mosses and dead grasses in the bushes and rubs them together. I pocket some small wood sticks. 

     "It's cold, can you be quick?" I hear Kyle.

     "Go to the trees over there and pick up barks. Only pick up those on the floor. Don't tear them off the trees," I say. 

     "I can't see anything," Kyle says. I light the tinder in front of Kyle's blankets and put the wood sticks around and upon the lit tinder. Then I give Kyle the electric torch. He comes back soon with some logs and barks. He spreads the thin blanket on the floor and opens the wine. I put pebbles and logs around the fire I've built and sat down next to Kyle. He kisses me. 

     "I'm in love with a girl who can build a fire," Kyle says. I laugh though it's not funny. I take off my gloves and feel the heat. Kyle takes out a plastic bags from his pocket and pours the cocaine on the flat of his knees. He rolls a small paper and inhales. 

     "I'm okay. I'm okay," Kyle says and wraps the thicker blanket around us. I drink the wine from the jar. The sea, salty breezes are caught in my hair. The fire flame dances in front of us.

     "There isn't any snow here," Kyle says. 

     "It has something to do with the onshore breeze," I say, "the sea receives solar radiations slower than the land in daytime. At night, the sea cools down much slower than the land. There's a high temperature and it's warmer here - well it's complicated."

     "We have time." 

     "It's boring." 

     "No it's not," Kyle says. I play some music with the speaker and drink some wine. Then I tell him about the onshore and offshore breeze as well as its causes and effects until I'm too tired and fall asleep, listening to the sound of the waves and music and his soft heart beat. When I wake up, I'm in the car and Kyle is driving. 

     "Good morning," Kyle says. There is little white powder on the tip of his nose. I erase it. The sky looks purple. 

     "Hello," I say. 

     "There's still some wine in the back," Kyle says. I take the bottle and drink and eat a bar of chocolate. Kyle is playing some folk songs and humming. He's driving next to the river and smoking a cigarette. I watch the sun glow, raising from the white trees, leaving it's orange marks on the water and snow and reaches the highest cloud. Kyle's face glows as well. I light a spliff. 

     "You could have folded the blankets," I say. 

     "There was someone jogging on the beach. I saw his look, he sort of thought I was abducting you," Kyle says, "don't worry I put out the fire."

     I tidy the mess in the backseats. 

     "This is your pilot Kyle Mentor speaking. Welcome aboard to Mr Brown's BMW. We will reach our destination in 32 minutes, I guess, please unbuckle your seat belt and turn the music louder," Kyle says. I laugh and kiss him. I roll down the window and close my eyes and put my arm out in the icy wind. I don't force myself to sleep as I always did after I drink or get stoned. I don't treat the alcohol as sleeping pill. I embrace it as an old friend. I embrace this floating feeling. I hum the melody of the song 

     Guess now I drink to have fun not pass out or forget. I feel...majestic. 

     Kyle is singing. We arrive Greenyard when the sun fully rises. Kyle parks the car near the backdoor of the flat. We go up and bath. I call Ian. 

     "Ian! Ian! Hi! Hi!" I say when Kyle try to stand on the tea table. 

     "Esther? " 

     "This is your pilot Esther Brown speaking," I say and laugh. "Where did you get your van?" 

     "The second hand car shop I'm working in. I'm here now," Ian says. 

     "Is there another van? A van that's empty in the back?" I say and turn on the speaker. Kyle falls down from the tea table. He lies on the floor and laughs. 

     "A cargo van? I've got a little s**t here, but there's something wrong with the engine. It's in white. If you give me a few hours, I can make it work," Ian says. "It's a cheap s**t." 

     "How much?" 

     "I'll give him a grand," Kyle says. 

     "Is a grand enough?" 

     "That's too much!" Ian says. Kyle grabs my phone.

     "Get us drugs with some of the money and you can keep the rest. I want coke. Esther wants coke too. And spliff. Spliff. Spliff," Kyle says. "Mate, can you drive the van here at noon? No? How about at two? No? At four. Okay. See you."

     "I'll go buy a mattress and put it inside, and pillows," I say. 

     "Okay," Kyle says, "I'll take a nap and I'll get cash."

     "And I have to return the car to my dad," I say. He puts on the cap he gave me and loads out stuff from dad's car to the flat. I spray the car with perfume and get in.

     I say, "I'll meet you here at four." 

     "I love you," he says. I say it back and kiss him and drive away. I see my dad in his office. He hugs me and looks worried. 

     "Merry Christmas, dad," I say. 

     "Your mum said you won't be going to France," dad says. "Will you like to spend Christmas with me? We can go travel if you want." 

     "I'm with Kyle. He's upset. He hasn't done it. Your friend is a Booger Man," I say, "I'm going to see Kyle's brother and sister. In Bolds. I've never been more alive, dad. I've stopped seeing Rulissa, dad. And I'm happy, dad. And I've always wanted to be like that. And I am now. And I'll miss you. And I love you." 

     Dad frowns but he hugs me anyway.

     "Have you taken -" 

     "Breakfast. I had a heavy breakfast. And dad, this is how I look when I'm happy," I grin at him and hand him the key before leaving. I go to the malls. I see a man taking photos of me. I give him the finger and walk to the Christmas section. I've bought two little Christmas trees and glittering decorations. I put a Christmas tree in front of Rulissa's headstone. I write the Christmas cards in a food court and send them to Uncle Mike, my dad and my mum and Steve and Robbie. I post a paintbrush to Bianca. I withdraw all the cash from my bank account and order a mattress and sheets and pillows. They will be delivered to the flat at two o'clock. I buy a lot of alcohols and carry them home. Kyle sits on the couch with a new guitar and a lot of money on the tea table. The house is cold because Kyle broke the radiator accidently. We wait for the mattress delivery and I notice Colleen calling me. The mattress arrives and Ian calls, informing us that the van is fixed and he's at the back door. Kyle and I, with spliffs in our mouths, load the mattress into the car through the trash room door. Spliff overdose will kill us. I put the liquor next to the sheet covered mattress, put the seven pillows onto it. Kyle takes the extra duvet from the flat and loads it into the cargo van. There's a small window next to the mattress. Ian carries the small cupboard in my room to the van. 

     "This is the coke table," Kyle says. Ian found us some cocaine and spliffs and Benson & Hedges and Marlboros, put them inside the cupboard. I put on the Christmas decoration and a Christmas tree. I put some underwear and lounge trousers and jumpers into a bag and chuck it into the car, as well as condoms and morning after pills. Kyle puts the new guitar in. 

     "I took my dad's hiking solar kettle, and mum's tea pot and tea bags," Ian says, "it's in the front seat. And I'm lending you my solar phone charger, but you need to give it back to me when you come back. Took it from Kitty's university lab." 

     "Why were you -" 

     "Don't ask," Ian says. "I'll miss you." 

     "Here, one grand," Kyle hands him the money and puts the rest back into his pocket. Ian leaves. 

     "Let's go." 

     "Wait no," I say. "I need to get my foundation course notes and laptop. I haven't done anything about the presentation." 

     I go back upstairs and open the door. Colleen is sitting there. 

     "Finally, hello dear," she says, standing up. 

     "What are you- whatever," I say. I get into my room and grab my laptop and its charger and the notes. 

     "You're going somewhere? Does your mother know -" 

     "My dad does," I say, "I've written my plans in the Christmas cards, mum and Uncle Mike will know." 

     "You are not going anywhere until you explain your disappearance," Colleen says in a high pitch voice, "I knew it. That boy has manipulated you. I'm calling the police. Show me your phone and all the messages you've sent to him." 

     "What the f**k?" 

     Colleen stands in front of the door. 

     "After that, you're going to the youth group with me. You need to make some decent friends. You need to get away from demons like that Bianca and that Kaigan. They are not good for you. You're just a little kid who thinks she knows everything about this cruel world." Colleen says, "look at how disgraceful you've become. It was always me who helped you and guided you all these years. Do you know what your dear mother said the night when we came back from the clinic? 'The condom wasn't on right'. She didn't want you but you dad did and they got married because of you. They were 22 when they divorce and Kim only kept you to piss Thomas. They were such kids back then. It's time for a good parent to take action. I saw a Christmas tree in the memorial, and I know you must be here. Now, be good, and hand me your phone." 

     "I don't have it with me," I say. "Please step aside." 

     "Did see the way Bianca and Kaigan are twisting things in your head?" Colleen screams. "Rulissa, you will give me your phone and go back into your room." 

     "What - Your - Jesus, your daughter, my friend is dead! I'm moving on and you have to too, okay? She's gone - dead - not coming back - I'm f*****g not her. Get over it," I shout. 

     "Stop it Rul," Colleen says. 

     "Wake up! Oh s**t, just the f**k up! It's killing me to say this, but she's dead. And you need to let me go," I say. 

     "No, Rul -" 

     "I'm not her," I say. I open the door anyway and run to the car. I call Uncle Mike immediately, tell him about what she's called me. 

     "I'm going to your house with Janet now. Your mum gave me a spare key," Uncle Mike says. "And Es, be careful on the road."

     "What's happened?" Kyle asked after I hang up. 

     "Just drive," I say. We stop to buy some bread and cheese and Kyle drives for 5 hours until we stop in the countryside where dry straws are everywhere. We turn on the van interior light. We eat the bread and booze. We sing a stupid song and sit on the back of the van with bare feet touching the snow and smoke for a while. Kyle takes out a credit card and draws a line with the cocaine on the cupboard top and rolls the long mattress receipt. He snorts and he rubs his nose. I get in the blanket next to him, he beams at me and kisses me. 

     "I'm so happily in love with you," he chuckles. "You want to try one line?" 

     I grab his credit card and, like him, draw a line with the cocaine. Kyle takes my cigarette and is singing a happy song. I snort like him and choke and cough and I try again. Kyle pulls my hair back and kisses my neck. It hurts my nose as the powder gets in, but then, I'm starting to feel light. I run my finger over my hair. I feel like I haven't been raped. I feel beautiful and smart and awesome. I am the queen of awfulness. I am the cocaine queen of this fucked up reign. I start laughing and Kyle laughs too. I close the van door and sit naked with Kyle. I climb on him and feel his hot mouth on my neck, hands on my breasts. And we don't feel like the boy and girl who are forced to grow up too fast. We're two fucked up people in love with each other and drugs. For the first time, sex isn't hollowing me. I come as soon as he does. And I lie with liquor and cigarettes, stroking his face and I imagine a world where Kyle and I are just normal travellers who meet and connect and fall quickly in love.

     "Can we be on the run forever?" I ask him, "What if we last forever?"

     Tonight, forever isn't an impossible childish thoughts. We make out again and I ride him and I laugh and I sit on him and press my face on his thin chest and he pulls the duvet over us and he hums a song and I listen. To outsiders, we're giving our lives away, but to us, it feels like we're gaining what we should have back. The idea of going into a rehab is floating in the back of my mind. But we still have time, and I still have him, and we still aren't found. 

     Kyle and I wake up when we hear wolf howling. It's scary. We are surrounded by trees and the sky is grey. So Kyle dresses up and does a white line and lights a cigarette and drives. I lie on the mattress naked, listen to a folk song that I don't know. Kyle loves folk songs. I study the sunlight lights that fall on my stomach through the little window. Kyle gives me the cigarette and I pull the duvet up and booze though my head hurts and swallow a morning after pill. 

     At noon, Kyle stops the car and I throw out and pee in a gas station toilet. Life like this goes on for the next 12 days. We sneak into elderly houses to bath. We sit in the bathtub until we hear the sound of wheelchair or slow footsteps. One time, an old lady goes into the bathroom. She doesn't report us, just says, "Smoking kills you." 

     "Everyone dies one day and I'm enjoying what's left in my life," Kyle replies and she asks for a drag of the cigarette.

     We drink and smoke until the dark came, and make love until we run out of strength. We grasp for love the way a caught, dying fish grasps for oxygen. We are not drunk with the romantic idea of love, we are drunk in this dream that love has already solved all our problems, and that we're normal innocent teenagers and are invincible. 

     "One more line, and then we stop," Kyle or I say every time we roll a paper. We're taking so much coke that now our faces start to wreck and body starts to shrink. Kyle has nose bleed every other night. 

     "I'm your coke - head boyfriend," Kyle says in the van one night and blows the smoke on my face. During sunsets, Kyle always brings me to beautiful places like a cliff or a pasture or the countryside or a beach to see the sun. We stop in the countryside all the time, away from people. We pay some random kid to buy us food. We master the art of escape. I call mum and Uncle Mike and dad sometimes. Uncle Mike and Janet managed to persuade Colleen to see a therapist. We charge our phones and the iPod with the solar charger. There's folk music all the time and we drink tea straight from the teapot.

     Sometimes we go look at a small rivulet surrendered by mossy grey rocks, white water hemlocks, ferns and trees with lichens. We look at the silver linings and the silhouettes of great hills. And sometimes the hurrying water illuminates like little, flickering flames during sunsets, and it goes on and on and on passing huge stones and dark tree roots to the unknown lower bank. And we keep walking on. 

     We become forgetful then. We forget why we're on the run and show up in public places until someone yells "It's Kaigan!" Then we run back to the van and keep driving for hours. We drive back and fro, breaking in houses to shower and sit on people's couch to watch tv like we owe the house, like we're settling down. We're so good at lying that we ourselves get addicted to our made, happy story of two eloping lovers, so absorbed that we forget the one we're living in. It's hard to not forget when you're constantly surrounded by trees and wild animals and snow. I like myself more when we're on the white highland or smoking in front of a fire under bald trees. I don't see the point of being sober now. We named our van Paradise. 

     "I love being in Paradise," Kyle says when he is smoking a spliff and building a fire, "When I was in the tour bus or the plane, I needed to take enough legal pills so I can pass out. I basically just stayed on my bunk forever, and it was so boring and soon, I'd receive a call from mum. She'd say 'Kyle, I'm worried about you, you haven't called me in two weeks! You said you'd call me everyday on the road!' But you know what? I like playing in festivals, that is so much more fun. Concerts are boring now, saying the same things, people's faces look the same, the same after party, the same drugs. Usually when my crews are out to visit tourist spots, I'd stay in the tour bus and record music that I like, that's quite enjoyable to be alone and your own thoughts. Would you like to hear something I wrote in Canada?" And he will sit around the fire and play the guitar. I've taught him how to build a good fire.

     After the sun sets but there are still light in the sky, I usually sit in the back of Paradise with Kyle's arm around me and a cup of tea, and I always hold the electric torch and point around and exclaim "look at that! That's red squirrel! They're more nimble than the grey squirrel. You know they're naive mammal in this country and they can't live with the grey squirrels because there will be food shortage and ..." or things like "Oh, look at the ants on the pines, you know they drive away the pests and protect the pines. Like caterpillars. Ants and caterpillars don't get along..." I keep telling him what I know until I feel like I've talked too much and shut up, and Kyle always laughs at my face and we cuddle and light a spliff and make love. Sometimes we stop near houses whose owner doesn't set wifi password. I'd work on the presentation and Kyle will write songs with his guitar on a notepad we bought. We arrive Bolds the day before Christmas day. It's a village of small brick houses, lots of bakeries and cheese shops, and Ford Anglias. Kyle puts on a hat and sunglasses. He has texted Bedir to ask if he is in Bolds. At night, Kyle stops the car behind his house among the distanced bushes. He gets out of the car and makes some wolf, bird like howling sound, repeats for four times. 

     "What are you doing?" 

     "It's a signal," Kyle says. He crushes his lips on my sheepishly before pulling back. He smells like whisky. "It's our thing. Anyone of us does it, and we'll meet here. Pana's idea. Wait, they'll come out. Look." 

     Two dark hired, lean figures soon emerge behind the bushes. Pana, the young girl in a coat, is holding an electric lantern. Next to her is a tall boy with square glasses. 

     "It's you! I knew it - I knew you'd keep the promise!" Pana drops her lantern and jumps on Kyle. 

     "You god damned f****r," I hear Bedir say.

     His brother Bedir turns around. He pushes his glasses to his hair and rub his fingers over his eyes. I pick up the lantern. 

     "I need to hug your other brother," Kyle whispers to Pana. Pane nods and sobs on the side. 

     "Hello," I smile at her. 

     "Come here Nerd," Kyle says and open his arms. Bedir keeps looking at the floor with a red face and he finally embraces Kyle, who is a bit shorter than Bedir. 

     "Alright there, Creep?" Bedir says when they pull back. The fat drop of tear comes down from his face. 

     "Not bad," Kyle says, "just got framed holding child pornography and spent two weeks running around in the snow. You?" 

     "Well spent two weeks defending for your reputation and putting up with mum and dad and wondering where you could be," Pana says. Kyle smiles. 

     "Let's get in the van," Kyle says. I put his guitar and the small cupboard to the front seat. We put out shoes on the show and turn on the light in the van and close the van door. 

     "This is -" 

     "Esther Brown," Pana says, who is wrapping her arms around Kyle, "You've talked enough about her on phone. Why didn't you call for so long? And hi Esther."

     "Hello," I say. Bedir and I shake hands. 

     "I've told mum that we are going out for a walk," Bedir says, "but are you hungry? There are still puddings. You're coming in for Christmas dinner tomorrow, right? Mum misses you so much. She is always crying whenever she talks about you. Why didn't you call her?" 

     "She's collecting all the news about you," Pana says. 

     "I wasn't well." 

     "You could have at least told her that you're okay," Bedir says, "dad is talking to me all the time. 'We shouldn't have encouraged him. Look what we've done. You're his brother, you should have warned him'. They keep blaming themselves, and me, and I wasn't sure if I should come back home this Christmas." 

     "Don't you dare, Nerd," Pana says. 

     "If you're Nerd and you're Creep, what are you?" I ask Pana, "if you don't mind me asking." 

     "I'm Smart," Pana says. "And your code name is the Girlfriend." 

     "I like the Girlfriend," Kyle says, "Don't tell mum now, but I'll go to the dinner tomorrow. If she asks me to stay, you help me say no. And I'll look sober. What do you want for Christmas?" 

     "Why don't come home with a bottle of vinegar? We went out of it," Pana says. 

     "When will you and mum be out? I want to take Esther home and show her around," Kyle says. I'm blushing. 

     "This is Operation the Girlfriend. We'll clear the house at four. You have an hour," Pana says. I laugh. "Target Mum and I will be in the village mall. Commander Smart will take her to the sale sections."

     "Captain Nerd report duty," Bedir replies like it's a normal conversation, "I'll take Target Dad to help out in the community centre. There is a fund raising for the disable. The Captain will come home with Target Dad at six. General Creep has an hour." 

     "General Creep will not fail duty," Kyle says, "Now I want to have a f*g with Nerd outside. You want to stay here with Smart?" 

     "I'd love to," I say. Kyle kisses me before closes the van door. 

     "Creep has never brought a girl home," Pana says, "but I know it's going to be you. You're the only girl he talks about when he comes back. 'Esther? Well she's doing her A Levels next year. She's smart, she'll get a lot of As. Yeah I'm so proud of her,', 'You know, Esther knows a lot about trees, I suspect she lived in a tree house when she was younger.'"

     I smile. 

     "You've been assaulted," Pana says, she lies on the pillows, "well, mum said we need to talk about these things openly. She worked in a -"

     "A rape crisis centre, yeah," I say.
     "Kyle called mum when you were in the station during summer. Mum said he was crying. I tell you what? He's a cry baby," Pana says. "When he was in school, he always came home crying. 'That guy teased at me and people were laughing', and it drove mum and dad mad because when he cried, he was noisy. He cried when he cut his fingers. He cried when Bedir broke his skateboard."

     "I think he's brave." 

     "Brave, but a cry baby," Pana sighs and says in a very adult voice, "Don't worry about the assault, it isn't your fault. The sick thing about our culture. When girls in school experience sexual assault, they minimize it and say 'it's just what guys do' or 'they're boys'. This is tragic, we're making boys sound like uneducated, mindless savage animals and girls the natural born, potential victims. I literally cannot believe there are still death and rape threats online, it's the 21st century!" 

     "Okay. How old are you?" 

     "Thirteen and half," Pana says with a distinct pride in her voice, "You guess what I want to be before I'm 30?" 

     "Umm, I don't know," I say. 

     "UN Women's Goodwill Ambassador," Pana says, "Nerd and Creep say I can. Even mum says I can do it. In the station, did anyone ask you about your clothes or if you were drinking?" 

     "Yeah." 

     "See? This is what I'm talking about," Pana looks really excited , "they just teach girls how not to be raped while they should educate boys to not rape. See? I've read the news about you, they wrote more about the b*****d's future than you. And I still have the newspaper now, they respected you because you had history with Creep. But they shouldn't respect you just because you're linked to somebody." 

     "Okay."

     Pana sits up and pulls her hair back, talking with her finger pointing in the air. She has the same excited face as Kyle does. "There are too many bystanders and too much tolerance in this country. Think about it, tolerance for rape. When I'm the UN Women's Goodwill Ambassador, this is the first issue I'll raise awareness of. It has become a cultural norm and the girls who are raped are always blamed for letting the rape happen, and they're publicly shamed as w***e and s**t. Isn't that mad that victims are blamed for their own assaults?" 

     "I agree with that - look my friend is working on a presentation with the similar subject, do you mind if I ask her to call you? Because you can really help her," I say. 

     "Can I?" Pana says, "I would love to. Ask her to write my name in the bibliography. As a future member of the United Nations Entity for Gender Equality and the Empowerment of Women, I strongly believe that men do not rape for sex. They do that for power, and sex is the method," She clears her throat like she is in a debate or making a speech, I sit up respectfully, "from a very young age, women accept threatening and violent behaviour from men because they have normalised this behaviour pattern. Our media helps building this culture that men's sexual compliment defines a woman's value. A man cannot use 'she is drunk' as an excuse for rape. It's like saying a packet of chocolate is right next to the exit door of the supermarket, but despite how easily you can just take the chocolate and walk out, you can't because it's illegal. Rape is a choice. Do you understand me?" 

     I nod and she goes on. 

     "Next, women grow up being told by older women to take actions to avoid men's violence. Just like 'don't dress like a s**t', or 'don't get too drunk' and many other don'ts. And the message behind these warnings is that men can't stop being violent and women can just cope and avoid and accept. See? This is a -" 

     I hear someone knocking the door of the van. I open it and Bedir says that they need to go back. 

     "I'll tell you more tomorrow. I have made a PowerPoint about this," Pana says before going back into the bushes. 

     "You're sure she's thirteen?" I say when I pull the duvet over our naked bodies. We sleep naked. 

     "Did she mention the United Nations Entity for something, and something of the Women?" Kyle says. He pushes my hair back. I nod. "She's been talking about this since she was eight. I don't know where she gets all these ideas from. When I ask her how she knows, she says 'ignorance is a choice in this age of information'. She must have quoted it from somebody."

     "She is very impressive," I say. "I really think she can be a Goodwill Ambassador." 

     "Let's hope she'll be less bossy when she does," Kyle says. 

     "She said you were a cry baby." 

     "Goodnight," Kyle turns off the light. 

     "Were you?" 

     "Come on Kyle, were you?" 

     "Kyle, did you cry when you cut your fingers?"

     "Did you, Kyle?" 

     "Goodnight Esther."

*

     On Christmas Day morning, Kyle drives me around Bolds and I go into a shop to buy a bottle of vinegar. We stay in the car and Kyle sings many Christmas songs while I redecorate Paradise. Kyle keeps wanting to snort coke, but we agree to be sober today. 

     "How about this? I'll let you drink half a bottle and you'll let me do one line," Kyle says, "just one line. Nothing else." 

     So I agree and we get pretty stoned when noon comes. At noon, Kyle drives me to Johnny's house. Johnny lived alone and lived quite far away from the village on the hill. Kyle bought his house after he died. We build a snowman and have snow fight. Kyle shows me around the house and tells me about the photos on the shabby walls. We fill the bathtub with hot water and bubbles and find a woody bathtub caddy. We sit in the water and do little white lines, then we lean back on our sides of the tube and Kyle tickles my feet. 

     "What are we going to do when we get back?" I ask him. Kyle grabs a towel because his nose starts to bleed again. He covers it with the towel because he knows I hate looking at blood.

     "Mum will probably cry and dad says things like 'why didn't you check your phone?', 'why would you just give your phone to somebody? You have the responsibility to look after your own social accounts!'," Kyle says, "but when after we start eating, it'll all be okay. I'll show you my room." 

     "Sounds great. But I meant after this is over," I say, "we can't keep running like this. Did you see the newspaper in the stands? People still hate you for some reason and when you go back to London -" 

     "It's pointless to worry about things you have no control of, I wish I knew that sooner," Kyle says. "It doesn't matter now. I'll go back, like - there's something I want to talk to you about. Like we cannot, like - I - like..." 

     "What?" 

     "I need to drive you back before new year." 

     "Why?" 

     "You have school, and the presentation," Kyle says, "I saw you writing the conclusion." 

     "I still have to make a f*****g PowerPoint," I say, "Bianca emailed me that she has finished everything except the short film." 

     "I think you'll need to go back to school earlier. To catch up," Kyle says. "And sweet, you need to stop drinking. Have you counted how many bottles you have a day?" 

     I shake my head and light a cigarette, "you ask me to stop drinking when you're stoned 24/7."

     "Maybe I shouldn't have snorted with you," Kyle says. "I'm addicted to things that keep me away from the pain of the world. You don't have to." 

     "Maybe I do." 

     "You're not an escaping kind of person. You were, but you aren't," Kyle chuckles, "and I'm dragging you back to the start." 

     "Because the start was great, and now we're great again," I say.

     "We probably need to stop all these soon," Kyle says, "addictions never end well. You're beautiful and you're fucked up. I'm terrible and messed up. We're good for each other." 

     I smile. At first, we addict to escape, soon, we can't get rid of the substance that great the escape. Is there any way to escape without addicting to something? Well, yes, death. But this great unknown is too terrible for the people who love that person. 

     "Can I go buy a dress?" I ask. 

     "There's a small shop down there, run by an old lady. I used to work for her during summers. She can sew a dress within three hours. You can chose a cloth and some fabrics," Kyle says. We get dressed and go to the shop. The childless, old lady is about seventy and she is thrill to see Kyle. 

     "My handsome! You're as thin as a skeleton!" She makes us tea and she has five puppies in the shop. 

     "I'm bringing my girlfriend home tonight. Can you make her a dress?" Kyle asks. "And I'll help you mop the floor and clean the cupboards and fix the machines." 

     "We'd better close the shop then," Mrs Handleson says. She pulls the curtains and puts out the sign CLOSED. She will be spending her Christmas night in the community centre, which is also the church Johnny used to run. There is a drama show and some fund raising choir performances for the locals. Mrs Handleson's husband died eight years ago. Heart attack. However, there is an old man she likes who will be attending the church tonight. She is looking forward to seeing him tonight. 

     I've picked a red floral fabric. Kyle fixes Mrs Handleson's rusty sewing machines, changes the broken light bulbs, mops the floor of the shop, and unclogs the toilet. I find him very attractive when he concentrates on his work. Mrs Handleson asks me to iron something for her. Kyle comes out with a screwdriver from his pocket and pink gloves and a plunger and sweats over his neck and forehead. 

     "Oh, my handsome. Thank you," Mrs Handleson says. "I have a singer cleaning my toilet!" 

     Mrs Handleson has turned the fabric into a beautiful 50s dress three hours later. I thank her and change into it. Kyle says it looks nice on me. 

     "I have something for my handsome as well," Mrs Handleson says, "Esther, can you take out the suit you've ironed? That was my husband, but you will look gorgeous in it." 

     When Kyle goes to change, I ask her. 

     "Why haven't you asked if Kyle has done what the newspaper wrote?" Mrs Handleson laughs until she catches her breath.

     "Because nobody in this village believes that!" Mrs Handleson says, "when the newspapers get here, we laugh it off. We've all watched him grow up. He was a docile, strewed kid. He will be, and is, a good man. Go ask anyone here in the street. They'll tell you that. He used to perform in the church and he was the virtuous kid. And he was never rude to people. Never. We're very protective of him when he is in the village. We help driving the camera people away. I almost hit one with my umbrella last week." 

     "The sleeve is a bit long," Kyle says when he comes out. The sack suit is in brown and looks vintage. He puts on a dull yellow tie and pushes his messy hair to a side. Inside, he's wearing a faded blue shirt. Kyle opens his arms, "So?" 

     "Very handsome," Mrs Handleson says. We kiss her and get back to the van. Kyle receives a text from Pana. We drive to the house. It was a nice, small, warm place with clothes and shoes everywhere in the corridor. 

     "We're not very tidy people," Kyle says. He goes into Bedir's room and comes back with some tapes and a roll of wrap paper. We wrap the vinegar and Kyle shows me his room. It is dusty and there is a small guitar next to the bed. There are posters of bands that he liked covering every part of the walls and an empty fish tank. There is a broken skateboard under his bed. Kyle uses Bedir's hair product to make his hair looks shiny and nice. He finds me his mother's make up and I put on a bit concealer on myself and Kyle's to make us look, well, better than an addict. We sit on his small bed and talk for a long time before his parents return. 

     His mother screams and his father bursts into tears. Kyle explains again that it was Marco who did those terrible things. His family likes me enough to let me join the dinner. Pana continues yesterday's presentation with a PowerPoint and Bedir and Kyle have a game of chess after dinner. Kyle's mum and dad talk to him in the first floor about his recent behaviour. I hear a lot of crying. Kyle and I are persuaded to stay here tonight. Kyle makes an excuse that we need to get back to London tomorrow so we will leave at first light in the morning. We watch Love Actually and Kyle's father, Oliver, is cursing Fane Bane during the entire film. It is obvious that both Kyle's parents are trying not to argue with each other when we're in the house. And they like the gift. 

     Kyle wakes me up at five and we sneak into Pana's room, wake her up and say goodbye. We do the same with Bedir. I puke in the toilet. We get in Paradise and I call people I love to say Merry Christmas. We get back on the road again. We get back to the lines and drinks again. We wake at noon sleep at dawn again. We forget what is sober again. 

     On the night of the 31st of December, Kyle asks me to put on my Christmas clothes after we have sex in the countryside during sunsets. We drive and he doesn't tell me where we're going. The road looks familiar then. We're going back to Greenyard. So time's up. At eleven, we stop in Lion Fort and sit on the peak and look at Greenyard. We both know that this is not a small stop. I sit on the snow with my coat and in the dark, I watch Kyle, who is smoking our last spliff. 

     "What's your favourable moment in Paradise?" Kyle asks me when we walk down the hill. 

     "When you roll over and pull me to your chest in your sleep," I say. I smoke the last bit of the spliff and we throw it away. "Yours?" 

     "Every," Kyle says. We sit in the van and Kyle drives me to the back door of my flat. I've put the laptops and my clothes into my big bag on the mattress. Eventually the van slows down and it stops. 

     Kyle stares at the dumped couch near us, "I need to get back together with Livy." 

     The clock say 23:56.

     "Why?" 

     "Fane Bane says - " 

     "Don't listen to him," I say. "You don't just bring me back here for my presentation." 

     "No, but you know this is going to be over," Kyle says, "I want to end things the best way I can. This escape is causing troubles for my other crews, and they've called me for so many times but I don't answer them." 

     "But her - her? You don't have to get back together with her." 

     "I do now. Fane Bane said if I get back together with her, he'll end his contract with me." 

     "What's the condition? There's always a condition." 

     "There isn't a -" 

     "Really?" 

     "I have to sign another contract with Livy's reality show producer. Fane said I have to pay him back the money I owe him - he's called me when you passed out - the world tour and the boycott put his company in trouble. He's invested too much in me. So he lets Livy's reality show's company merge FB Records. They just want me in the show because people are interested in the secret life of the victim of this sex scandal." 

     "Or what? What will he do if you don't sign it?" 

     "It's not just me. My crews need a job," he says, "I'm not going to put them in unemployment. They called me some time ago, you were buying something, they asked me to sign it. I don't want to let them down. I don't like letting people down. They're important people to me. If I sign this, everything goes the same except that I'll be in the hands of another dude. And, listen, I'm not going to sneak around with you. Because A. I don't really like cheating, B. if people find out, it'll put you in serious s**t, C. If Livy knows, she'll kill you and then me. "

     "But I love -" 

     "I know. I'll come back to Greenyard two weeks later. I'll woo Livy again, and we'll spend some time here. Away from London. I'll try to find you." 

     "Can you stop letting that little heroism get the best of you?" 

     Kyle doesn't speak. 

     "F**k you. Screw you. You're a dickhead," I say. "You're so f*****g selfish. You scumbag. It's not f*****g fair. You got me a happily ever after and you dump me." 

     The clock says 00:00. I hear people down the street screaming. 

     "Let's be honest," Kyle says, "I can never really dump you. We've tried before, right? And you'll hate me and you'll forgive me and I'll crawl back to you. That's what we do. Come on," he puts his hand over my neck, "hey, you remember what I said? You'll always be the Juliet for me." 

     "F**k you." 

     "Can I have a New Year kiss?" 

     So he kisses me and I grab my bag and I leave Paradise.