Independence Day

When half of your bed is covered with folders and papers, things like "Stuff Lawyer Needs", "Certificate of Independent Legal Advice", and you can't stop listening to The Cure's "Disintegration".

Have you ever
Had something you
Wanted to work out,
Not even exactly the way
You want it to, but just enough,
Have it function, even if only on the
Most shallow of levels, even if you're
Just living by the skin of your teeth,
But no matter how you work and think
To try it figure it out, you could have spent
Tens of thousands of hours trying to solve it,
Like a puzzle, like a riddle, but a puzzle that
Just doesn't have all the pieces, and the ones
That are missing are essential to complete the image,
And the riddle isn't a riddle, it's a koan, and there are
No real answers, faced with a Gordian Knot, but you're
Not just lacking a sword, but even anything with an edge?
But the reason, the reason for that, and it took you a very
Long time to admit it, is that you're just too messed up, and
That might not be your fault entirely, but it's still the truth.

~ ~ ~

You can't be inside, it's a torture, for all those little
Annoyances, all those little aggravations that ground
You down, in an inexplicable way, those are almost the
Things you miss the most. so instead you are out in nature,
Out on the edge of humanity, and even the forest doesn't provide
Any respite... no, yeah, but that's good, that's excellent, that just might
Be the most perfect thing you've found in your life, absolute and pristine
Misery. You let your arms and legs and even your face be covered by mosquitoes
Biting again and again, and your instinct is to run back inside, back into the world
To grab the deepest woods DEET that you can find, the protection you need, but you
Like the pain, the unbelievable itching that feels like it could not possibly be worse,
You like all these creatures of nature who know no right nor wrong, they just
Know that they need to feed and to them even inch of exposed skin looks
Like nothing more than a buffet. There is one on your arm the just keeps
Growing bigger, and you wonder if it will just keep engorging itself on
Your blood until it explodes, and as you wonder, you can't help but
Wonder if Mother Nature is trying to communicate something to
You other than misery and pain and itching, that maybe she is
Trying to show you a parallel, the perfect metaphor, that you
Aren't all that different than any one of dozen bloodsuckers
That feel like they're sucking the life out of you, drop by
Deep red drop... and lost in these thoughts, you feel
A kinship and bond with your enemies, you find an
Equilibrium, a homeostasis in this exquisite almost
Agony, you are now lost in a world of itching, not
Allowing yourself even a single scratch, because
Scratching would bring you out of the pain
That you are creating for yourself and back
In to the real world and a pain infinitely more
Unbearable, because she's gone, and as you lift
That can of completely flat ginger-ale she left in
The fridge, another habit that used to grate, but now
Seems like the most wonderful thing in the world, that
Can that you left for so long because you couldn't bear
To throw it out for some reason, and the drink hits your lips,
And the knowledge that some stray molecules that touched hers
Are scraping up against yours like a broken windshield washer
Brushing against the muddy windshield that was your entire window
On reality itself, and you want to sacrifice yourself unto the world,
To every hungry bloodsucker out there until you are fully
Exsanguinated, a beautiful new ritual of anguish that
This fine, horrible, unforgettable evening Mother
Nature is creating just for you, an evening to
Be seared hot and deep into your skin and
Into your memory, for you don't want to
Forget a single moment of all of this,
Maybe as a way to ensure that you
Never, ever, ever let yourself get
So close to another human
Being again in your life,
Maybe as a way of
Saying goodbye,
But maybe for no

~ ~ ~

Real reason at all, not really,
Maybe nothing ever means
Anything at all, not really,
Maybe it's all some grand
Illusion, the security you

~ ~ ~

Think you have, that quintessential
 Dream of growing old together just
A tremendous joke on all of

~ ~ ~

Humanity, because it is an
Illusion, it isn't real, because
No matter how real it feels, it
Can all be gone in a second... poof.
Maybe those old men kicking the gong
That used to tell you that true love is nothing
More than something some long-ago ancient
Italians made up to have something
To write about, nothing more than
Something to sell greeting cards
And roses and engagement rings.

~ ~ ~

Oh God, it's gone way past unbearable
So you tear at your ankles with fingernails
That you wish were much sharper, and it
Feels so good to scratch so hard, even
Knowing, like every good camp counselor
Ever taught, that the more you scratch the
More it will itch, but what could be more itchy than
This? And you look at the clock in the bottom corner
Courtesy of Bill Gates, and you wonder how many people
Are looking at the exact same thing in the world at this very
Moment across our planet that somehow seems so much bigger
Tonight, yet somehow at the same time so much smaller, and
You realize it's a quarter past ten and your last dose was
Due at nine... funny, usually it's eight-fifty-eight and
You'd have checked the time at least two dozen
Times by then, but tonight these two itches,
They've blended together, and that's just
Fine with you, tonight you'll leave the
Last two of those little white pills
In the chamber marked "TUES"
Because you deserve this,
You deserve every last itch
That you can find, because
You gave it your all and still
Just couldn't cut it, and like
You already told yourself, tonight
She's gone, and nothing but gone with
That last sip of stale soda-pop falling down
Your throat, and you would cry and cry if you
Had any tears left to cry, but like that empty can
You are staring at sitting in front of you, you're
Empty, so, so, empty, an emptiness, a hole
That feels cut out of your very existence, left
With a gaping hunger that nothing will ever
Satisfy, and you thought that getting
Clean was the hardest thing you've
Ever gone through, but compared to
This? Nothing else even comes close,
And you realize you are just as
Much a part of nature as
Any of these bugs
And nature
Can be
So very
Cruel.

~ ~ ~

morphine - gone for good

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTY__z9SYpc