a meaning where there is nothing

i am not okay and i do not know what to do

I am not an emotional person

I have withheld my ability to feel

Too scared to be vulnerable

So the night I broke down in his arms I knew

I was not going to be okay

I have cried almost every night since

Pleading to a God once again

Begging for some form of salvation

Put me out of my misery

This pain is too much for me to bare

He stayed silent

I have tried to get better

To not allow myself to drown

But sometimes the anchor sinks too deep

And I am pulled under again

I wish I knew how to describe it more vividly -- poetically

All I can say is it is not pretty

The number of times I have thought of how to kill myself

What it would feel like with a rope around my neck

Or the sudden shock of my body hitting the pavement

Is it sick of me to say I hope for something bad?

These bad thoughts and bad things

The need for something to happen

Perhaps it would bring meaning to my suffering

Or excuse it.