Forgotten

(C) 2010

A false love you brought from the

start

Should've know we would have to

depart

 

Midnight words,

you read to me

Whispering rhymes

as blue as the sea

 

Only to resent my humble plea...

 

Three words forgotten,

now haunt the air

Leaving me in a mute

despair

 

Look me in my lovesick eyes

And turn away,

proclaiming despise

 

Abandoned here, like worthless

decree

 

Tell me love,

are we still meant to be?

Author's Note

I prefer critical. Please be honest.
Comments appreciated.

Reviews

[Deepwood's Hart]

"Midnight words,
you read to me
Whispering rhymes
as blue as the sea"

This is my favorite stanza. I like how the abstract image brings a lot of meaning and feeling to what you have written. I love the poem but you said you prefer critical so here goes.

My biggest challenge is endings. They are tough, especially in poetry. I think your ending could use a little bit of work here so that it stands as strongly as the rest of your poem. Asking the question outright takes away the closeness the reader has with the poem because they don't have to think about it and get a feel for what you are asking for themselves.

There is a lot of gem quality work in this. I think a little bit of refinement, especially in the latter half of the poem, could take the poem from great to exceptional. Good work! I look forward to reading more of your work.

[Paradoxical]

i love your word choice, great job. the only thing I would change is the second the last line ("abandoned here, like worthless decree") the final word seems a little strange for the form of the whole poem. but, overall, its really wonderful :)

[jenny]

honestly im sorry but nothing critical to say here this is amazing.