Dew Drops of Disdain

Counting dew drops of disdain 
The demon inside me 
Has reigned many seasons of pain 

With his instruments of torture 
He brings me to a laborious place 
Where innocence is violently enchained 
And strife forever sure 

Tangled in a web of slow coiling doubt 
Through restless turns and twist 
I have memorized a multitude of routes 

In the blackness weeps angels disturbed 
Their wounded horror 
Has left me with an illness unable to be curved 

Fear embedded in the inmost crease 
The monster's torment has yet to cease 

He's cocooning me in all my lies 
I hate to realize 
What this implies 

Vacant lunges absorb the silence 
Hatred churns and ghastly fangs appear 
He's feasting off my surrendered compliance 
Devouring everything I clutched dear 

The throbbing saturates new perspectives 
All my blood seems to be famished 
As My heart pulses harrowing venom 
I can't help but wish to vanish 

With a sudden gasp of fleeting air 
Ear-splitting thunder provokes things 
I cannot compare 

Without reason the agony subdues 
New born is a darkness 
One absent of Heaven's dues 

(C) 2010

Author's Note

I prefer critical. Please be honest.
Comments are appreciated.

Reviews

[Chris T.]

Honest. Critical. Here we go.

This piece has no voice. It is morbid, it is sad, and it is emotional. Yet, it has no voice. As a reader, I really didn't come away from the piece with anything. The question is," Why?" I don't know if you are writing for catharsis or because poetry is a passion and you'd like to be published someday, but I am going to provide the best advice I can to address both.

1) The rhyme scheme is holding you back. The tendency to craft a rhyming scheme of "ABABAB", or some variant, is difficult to break, but if you can do so it will really free you up to truly express yourself. I stumbled over several lines for this very fact. You were trying too hard to rhyme the lines, and they suffered. Examples:
a. "Fear embedded in the inmost crease
The monster's torment has yet to cease "
b."In the blackness weeps angels disturbed
Their wounded horror
Has left me with an illness unable to be curved "
c. "Without reason the agony subdues
New born is a darkness
One absent of Heaven's dues "

2) The other possibility for why this piece lacked a voice was because you were writing based on an emotion instead of what caused you to feel this emotion (this is an assumption). When someone writes based on their emotions, whether they are happy, sad, depressed, furious, whatever, it does not come across well. Whenever someone writes about a situation that lead them to feel such an emotion, the reader is able to develop that same emotion over the course of the piece. This is just something to consider.

Overall, I think you definitely have a great deal of potential and could really grow into a phenomenal poet. Whatever you do, don't stop writing. EVER!