The OnsetA Poem by Evyn Rubin poem and memoir, the onset of my PTSD, 1978, California Sun, Dec 18 at 12:47 PM The Onset My move from Santa Monica to Oakland was a factor in the timing of my P.T.S.D.. because easy access to the ocean was removed from me No longer easy to face the sea my feet planted in sandy ground its waves slapping toward me as I absorbed the sight and sound in repetition the ocean waved styptic for my nicked-up soul just what my inner being craved then its absence took a toll from beach town to bustling port in Santa Monica I'd stood at the ocean's edge repetitions from Creation rolled in waves toward me keeping away the potential onset of wretched P.T.S.D. why could i not find a comparable place in Oakland why do i have no memory of exploring the port exploring the place where land and water meet because i did not know yet what the waves were to me nor could i find a bed partner who sparked the joy in me although i did find two women to sleep with sequentially as compared with Santa Monica where i slept with 23 a few of whom are a pleasure to recall one of whom was dangerous most of whom seem extraneous in Santa Monica as a writer I was funny I made the reader smile and laugh in Oakland I became the verbal slasher of my enemies to cut their harmful influence in half then in half again then in half again In Oakland I became the slasher of Henry Ford his bad influence to shred with no harm to any living creature but rather his faulty thinking I caused to fall dead Dagny had been my laboratory to understand modern anti-Semitism, and authoritarianism. When Jerry Falwell emerged with the claim that Christian fundamentalists were the best friend of Israel, millions of Jews, all over the United States, said in unison, in complex harmonies, "With friends like that, we don't need enemies." And I could articulate the danger his declarations are attempted persuasion but look at his agenda why he quotes from the Book of Revelation he has a catastrophic agenda for Israel apocalypse nuclear Armageddon all the while proclaiming friendship I instantly understood the danger of Jerry Falwell because of my experience with Dagny her declarations of love her simultaneous unwanted agenda I'd said 10, 20 how many times Dagny I'm a writer not a concert producer and she said, "Evyn, I see you as a concert producer." Then in Oakland there emerged what I now know are flashbacks of Dagny, who saw me as a concert producer, and I'd get into big fights with the flashbacks I'm a writer, I'd assert, and the fight would spiral until i was throwing punches at my own self I had a path to Lake Merritt but not to the ocean i had a squeeze but not a medicinal honey i had a new craziness I'd walk my dog to feel a little better she'd sniff the air currents at the park as Christian Evangelist literature tumbled into my path and upon examination it revealed its invocation of apocalypse with hellfire for non-believers and a special role for Israel for Jesus' alleged return and i rejected these notions and just saw their danger and more danger still or I'd leave my dog at home and go to the library ripping Henry Ford from his pedestal the unworthy hero, and I his debunker I understood the modernization of anti-Semitism in the U.S. exactly what had happened and who was involved once i was a funny writer, a beach dyke someone called me and everyone laughed at my grand skit at Venice Pavilion now i couldn't find the ocean an odd and crazy fighter I was I prevented the massacre in Pittsburgh i knew something was coming and i stopped it by slashing to ribbons its ideological roots and i stopped the emergence of friendly ant-Semitism slashing the ideological roots of apocalyptic allies i ripped out gas chambers and nukes at their roots and slashed to ribbons their supporting ideologies i rejected unworthy friends who would usurp my decision-making power for my own life I'm a writer Dagny not a concert producer i wrote graffiti Choose Co-Existence! i called for No Harm! but could not calm my hand and my poetry just imploded © 2023 Evyn Rubin |
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Added on December 23, 2022 Last Updated on April 5, 2023 Tags: writer, identity, California, PTSD, anti-Semitism, ocean, healing, relationships, LGBT Author
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