i believed in you, no matter what you say

“Trust is like a vase.. once it’s broken, though you can fix it the vase will never be same again.”

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you."

I always hate it when I find out one of my (supposedly) best and dearest friends has told another of my best and dearest friends something that I had asked to be kept quiet. I mean, that is why I wanted it to be kept quiet. It wasn't meant for the whole world to know or I would be up in front of the White House preaching my life story. 

It's like-I finally build up my self-esteem enough to where I can where form-fitting shirts and shorts instead of the baggy men's jackets in the summer, or keep my hair curly when it looks better and less unruly straight. And my weight. I'm finally comfortable with my weight, and then my mom has to go and say I'm eating too much (just because I weigh 30 pounds more than her. But she forgets that I'm taller than her and I'm out in the heat for hours during Texas summer trying to hold a heavy instrument. Or that she's on a new diet every other week. Or that my doctor has been saying I'm just right my whole life. She forgets all this when she criticizes me.) or make some rude comment about my hair. On the days it's curly she wants it straight; on the days it's straight she want's it curly. She doesn't remember that I almost faint whenever I stand with that straightening iron to my head for more then five minutes. Anyway, I finally build up my self-esteem and I'm comfortable with my clothes and hair and weight and I almost get the nerve to flirt with guys; but then one of my friends spills a secret or tells a lie and the whole thing comes crashing down. 

It happens all the time, really. And if it's not my friends, then it's my mom or brother. Because people don't realize just how seriously I take things. If one of my friends says I need to lose weight, I won't be eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner for the rest of the year. Even if it's a joke. Or when a friend calls me a b***h when I'm honest, I start lying whenever people ask me if their hair or shirt looks okay. And especially if my friend hurts me badly, I don't spill my guts anymore. 

A friend once asked me why I never tell people how I feel anymore. Of course, this was right after a fight we had where I told her how I felt about certain things she does and she took it as an "I hate you" letter. She ignored me for a week without any warning and it eventually got to where I was so sick and tired of getting hurt by her and crying in front of my locker that I apologized. And for what? For spilling my guts, of course. So why don't I ever tell people how I feel anymore? Well, simply because I'm tired of emotions getting stepped on. 

A: I used to date this guy that I loved. We're still young and it wasn't full love, but I loved him nonetheless. He broke up with me when school started (because he was new to the state and I was the first girl he had met. The only reason he went out with me, I learned later, was because he thought I was easy.) and I was devastated; I cried every night for about a month before it spread to maybe every 2 weeks. That continued on until winter break when I met another guy, but that's another story. Right after we broke up and school started-we had only be separated for 3, maybe 4 weeks-my best friend started liking him. They had the same class together for first period. And even though I had told her numerous times that I still loved him and wanted to get back together with him, she eventually started dating him. Not really dating, really. They just made out in front of the school in the mornings for a week or so until she 'decided I was right'. I still hold a grudge against it. 

B: The same friend mentioned above someone a secret between the aforementioned boyfriend and I after she had promised to never tell anyone multiple times. Luckily the person she told was another on of my best friends and eventually told me, but who knows who else she has told. The secret was very personal and I had debated nonstop on whether I should tell her or not. I eventually decided she was worthy enough to know, but I see now I was wrong. 

C: Same friend's mother has called me a bad influence for dating the boy and even went as far as telling my mother I shouldn't date him. It turns out she was a hypocrite because she allowed her daughter to meet up with him in the mornings for make out sessions. I was kind enough to tell her mother about him so she could decide whether or not her daughter could hang out with him the same time she hung out with me; I was only asking for her permission. She turned it into something bigger than that. 

D: The fight with another friend mentioned above dealing with the letter and such. 

E: Friend mentioned in A, B, and C got a new boyfriend with whom she blows her friends and I off for so they can make out. She had promised her friends and I that she would not have sex until she was 18 (she is 14 now). It turns out she has been lying and has had sex 6 times since then, one of them being before she made that promise to us. It doesn't really involve my emotions, but it does hurt that the friend has lied about it numerous times (she mentions she will never have sex almost 2 times a week.)

The same friend has hurt me many, many times (on all letters except D) and each time I have given her a second (and third, fourth, and fifth) chance. I keep wanting to convince myself that she means well and that it was all an accident, but I know deep in my heart that all my self-esteem issues could primarily be because of her (and my mom. But that's another story.) and the drama she likes to cause. She even went as far as using a safety pin to make scratches in her arm so she could go around saying she cut herself. She wore a sweatband over the spot on her wrist and every few minutes she would go on and on about how it burned or how she was depressed and decided to 'cut herself'. Of course, this was back in the fall of 2009. 

Either way, I am conflicted on whether I should end it for good or just choose to keep the friendship at a sort of long distance contact deal. The hard part is that all her friends are my friends so I can't necessarily avoid her at parties or during school. I could be polite and friendly and simply not discuss my life with her again, or I could just quit her completely. What should I do?