You Live In Me....

A Poem by Cerise

a short term love

I see you come with a pout

Your scent seeking me out

I try to ignore but for how long

Till when will I hold the passion at bay

I am sorry that you dont have a say

You are the light on my deep dark way

You are the rain on a scorching sunny day

You are my soothing balm on the itchy wound

I am sorry that you had to be marooned

I know baby , we were so well in tune

I guess things go wrong even if we assume

I owe you a lot but I cannot stay

Each of us have to find our way

There is no second choice I do know

Like I read you, if only you could read me too..

© 2014 Cerise

Author's Note

let me know what you think

My Review

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Reviews

Patricia Wedel

dear poet... very well expressed. Close
encounters can be a beautiful gift to be
cherished forever. truly... Pat

Posted 9 Years Ago

9 Years Ago

Thank you...:)

Heromen Selena

At first I thought it was going to be something related to "The Lion King" and Mufasa living in Simba because of the title but I was so wrong :P Anyways so, its a good poem. The metaphors in the second stanza are powerful and meaningful, which adds to the excitement in the poem. Quick infatuations are always hard to deal with. Especially unrequited feelings. This poem accurately describes the feelings that go along with a crush, which is what you were going for :) So that's really good! Excellent job of getting your point across effortlessly.

I think before you wrote this poem you had the mind set to make it rhyme. Rhyming can be a great way to add flow to a poem and interest the reader more, but in this case I think you needed to let the words breathe, if you know what I mean. Write it with out restrictions on the end letters and pour your heart out. And if you still want it to rhyme, then have the words rhyme consistently. For an example "wounds" does not rhyme with "assumed" although they are very close, they don't. Also "tuned" and "presume." There is also a line in the first paragraph that doesn't rhyme with anything. To be consistent, then you should make a line like that in every paragraph except for the last one. This way it helps the reader settle into the grove of the poem and they don't focus on the rhyming of the words. When they focus on the rhyming then they aren't going to fully appreciate the message of the poem.

This is a fabulous poem, but it does need work on grammar. First impressions in writing are everything. They catch the readers attention to read the entire piece. You want to make sure that they are as flawless as they can be. "have" in the first line should be taken out completely without a replacement word. It sounds better without it and it makes the first line's length go along with the rest of them, if that makes sense. Like if you read the first two lines together with and without "have", the without sounds better. Rereading out loud is a great way to find those grammar mistakes that you miss.

I know this was a really long review but I'm just trying to help you become a better writer. If my criticism has offended you, please know that that was absolutely far from what I intended. This poem is really great and at the same time it has great potential. Taking it the next step would make it outstanding :) Thank you for letting me read your lovely poem and hope to see more from you in the future!

Posted 9 Years Ago

I think before you wrote this poem you had the mind set to make it rhyme. Rhyming can be a great way to add flow to a poem and interest the reader more, but in this case I think you needed to let the words breathe, if you know what I mean. Write it with out restrictions on the end letters and pour your heart out. And if you still want it to rhyme, then have the words rhyme consistently. For an example "wounds" does not rhyme with "assumed" although they are very close, they don't. Also "tuned" and "presume." There is also a line in the first paragraph that doesn't rhyme with anything. To be consistent, then you should make a line like that in every paragraph except for the last one. This way it helps the reader settle into the grove of the poem and they don't focus on the rhyming of the words. When they focus on the rhyming then they aren't going to fully appreciate the message of the poem.

This is a fabulous poem, but it does need work on grammar. First impressions in writing are everything. They catch the readers attention to read the entire piece. You want to make sure that they are as flawless as they can be. "have" in the first line should be taken out completely without a replacement word. It sounds better without it and it makes the first line's length go along with the rest of them, if that makes sense. Like if you read the first two lines together with and without "have", the without sounds better. Rereading out loud is a great way to find those grammar mistakes that you miss.

I know this was a really long review but I'm just trying to help you become a better writer. If my criticism has offended you, please know that that was absolutely far from what I intended. This poem is really great and at the same time it has great potential. Taking it the next step would make it outstanding :) Thank you for letting me read your lovely poem and hope to see more from you in the future!

Rating /100