first date

a humerous ditty about the humiliations unsophisticated people may face on first dates!

The waiter showed us to our seats

Uncorked a rose wine

I looked at her I have to say

I felt fair dandy fine!

I wondered how a total nerd

Like me could have so scored

A date with such a gorgeous girl

For this I praised the Lord.

We talked of weather, music, work

Of politics and pain.

Of love and deep revealing stuff

The chemistry was plain.

Now when it comes to eating out

I’m limited tis true

I have some nasty allergies

I will not share with you.

Suffice to say I did not want

To risk the consequence

Of oyster fritters or of moules

Believe me there’s no sense.

She chose a steak and though I wished

To compliment her taste,

I could not risk the aftershock

‘sides, it would be a waste.

I ordered up the bolognaise

And chose a salad side.

That seemed the safest option

I looked at her and sighed.

I was in blissful heaven

The wine swirled in my glass

The food arrived quite swiftly

And then began the farce.

No one ever showed me

How to do that thing

With long thin strips of pasta

To keep them off your chin.

She sliced her steak with classic

Elegance and charm.

I twirled my spag and sweated

As a strand slipped down my arm.

I hoped she hadn’t noticed

And scooped another pile

This lot ended in my wine

I gave a feeble smile.

After many vain attempts

My lips clamped on an end

I sucked and sucked and in it went

Then looked up at my friend

To see her face all pock marked

With spots of rosy red

I took a napkin gingerly

But she just bowed her head.

Too graceful to acknowledge

My terrible distress

She ate her steak and drank her wine

And wiped sauce from her dress.

I thought I’d eat the salad

Give the spag a rest.

But now a sprig of rocket

Made my spirits more depressed

I opened up my mouth wide

Shoved in and tried to close

Immediately one leaf pinged out

And thrust right up my nose.

With tongue and lips so busy

I tried to get it in

Now I’d salad in my nostril

And pasta on my chin.

I looked at her she looked at me

Awash with spag and rocket

I felt the shame within me rise

And said to her, “Oh...................next time shall we just go to the pub instead?”