Good Shag Carpet

"There ain't nothin' like a good shag carpet." This is an entry for the "a lot of nonsense" contest, so if it doesn't make sense to you, you're not alone, I reckon. :D It does have a cool bluesy feel and a neat voice to it that d

 

There ain’t nothin’ like a good shag carpet.

 

Why would you ask me to turn off the T.V. when I’m clearly enjoying this good shag carpet? It matches with my hair, it matches with the refrigerator, it matches with your bad, bad mood.

 

The bathtub down the way is filled with melted fudgcicles, all hot and moist and sticky and sweet; no cold left in ‘em but the chilly porcelain surroundin’ ‘em. I bathed in the goo and turned all brown and now I match with the carpet, too, and I sing and I sing about the candy sticks gone bad and your eyes gone cold and the in-betweens of my fingers gone stuck together now.

 

I can see in your face you hate me now and demand a real bath with real water and real soap with a real good cleansing effect, and I try to get up but the carpet is stickin’ to me and whisperin’ in my ear, “We are a match, my sweet candy-skinned girl! You cannot ignore your destiny!”

 

So I turns my head to you in shy way (‘cause you scare me with your bitter pupils) and I blurt it on out, “I have made my decision and there’s no way I am movin’ from my soulmate.” That’s right, just like that.

 

And you snort in that way your nose likes to snort and you take your big ol’ feet and your big ol’ shoes you’re wearin’ on ‘em and you stomp right through me like a dirty ol’ rug and you laugh when I’m swearin’ and bleedin’ and mixin’ red with brown.

 

And like a sugar taffy whipped and pulled somethin’ fierce I pull myself outta the floor, pieces of the carpet tearing off and stickin’ to me like thousands of little hands and I says to my furry mate, “You stay put, sugar pea, I be back soon and take care of you.”

 

Before you know it, I’m drainin’ and scrubbin’ and wipin’ up that goop outta the cold white tub and I’m fillin’ it with a hot water that could boil a jive turkey like me. I throw in some Coast and some of that Irish Spring (and Tide and Downy so my carpet parts gets clean and soft, too) and I scrub my body dry ‘till the sticky sweet brown is replaced with plain ol’ peach skin.

 

You smile at me as I get out of the tub and yeah, you won… I got no shame in admittin’ it. I wraps a towel around myself and I heads down the hall where the carpet lies waitin’ for me and I lay down in its fuzzy embrace and Jesus, I’m thinkin’ to myself:

 

There ain’t nothin’ like a good shag carpet.

Author's Note

Just tell me what's up.

Reviews

[Sarah Hawkinson]

I loved that so much! One of the best stories I've read on this site. When nonsense is done well, it gives it a voice that matters. Very, very well written. Great punctuation, even the words make sense though technically they're not words at all. lol. Awesome read! Thanks for posting it!

[Poets Soul]

Interesting write. Enjoyed PS

[Victoria Emily]

While it's nonsense, I feel like it's nonsense with a purpose (though I may be wrong). The whole shag carpet idea makes me think of a scruffy hippie with a handlebar mustache wearing mustard yellow polyester. Regardless, I really enjoyed this.

[Mark Pearce]

A WONDERFUL mental excursion.

And behind the obsurdity there is a message.

It's poetry to me.

[Ale]

haha i love this! much better than my entry for the contest!

[Michael Swift]

Writing nonsense is fun, isn't it?

I thought this was an amusing story. It reminds me of the time my uncle from Georgia would visit...and get drunk...and fall asleep on the carpet...

Ah, good ole Uncle Bubba. God bless him(!)