Caustic Caterpillar

Admitting feelings for someone is never easy.

There's a caustic caterpillar

And it's squirming in my gut

It was dormant deep inside me

Until you woke it up

Now its million little pseudopods

March a tiny trail of fire

Along the lining of my stomach

As it crawls up higher

The spiny hairs along its back

Scratch upwards towards my chest

And I feel its venom leeching

Into my breast

Next it scrambles up my pharynx

And it rests inside my throat

I can barely keep on breathing

But I can't cough it out

It's not that I want to

keep suffering this way

In truth I am petrified

Of what you'd say

To this miniature monster

Crawling from the lips

Of the decomposing body

That you deigned to kiss

So as the wretched creature

Wages war against my teeth

I swallow it back down

Before you can see

Author's Note

These were originally written as song lyrics, but I think they're still rhythmically driven enough to work as spoken poetry. I was going for a bouncy/marching beat to match the methodical ascent of the caterpillar.

Reviews

[emipoemi]

There are frankly not that many who have pulled off the feat of writing a song that could pass for a poem as well. I'm sorry to say that this aint one of those instances. The musicality is choppy in a number of places in the later verses/stanzas, and it definitely doesn't end on a good note. The lyrics/words themselves however are brilliant. Great imagery. great narrative - simply not that much of a rhythmic/bouncy musicality that you were hoping it to sound like. It might have been better as a song.

[Sylvia]

I really appreciate the honesty. It sounds good in my head, but I am very willing to believe it's because I "hear" the music I've composed supporting it when I read it.

Someday I'll sit down and actually hammer out the notes, but the lyrics have been sitting unattended for a good year so I figured I'd put them out there :)

[emipoemi]

and that's the reason why it sounds bad as a poem: YOU hear the music, not the musicality. That's the whole difference. A song CANNOT live and breathe without the music. A poem can live with simply the music of our voice. If you tweaked the musicality of this poem, it would make a great poem, guaranteed. But right now, it reads terribly as a poem. If I heard the song, I might say something different, for the music makes all the difference.

[Sylvia]

Yep, I understand what you're saying. Unfortunately I'm not sure I can really separate the words from the music at this point, so I doubt I can edit it into a stand-alone poem at my current skill level, even if it would technically be doable. Perhaps I'll post a recording in the description if I get around to making one.

Again, thanks for the input!

[emipoemi]

my pleasure.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i really like the metaphorical nature of this...scared to love, scared to say it as not to reject the other...silence can eat us up inside. You carry the metaphor so well throughout this piece from beginning to end...sometimes truth can wait at the threshold ...it will come...let the kiss be had.
j.

[Rye]

I really enjoyed this piece, it's bouncy, very nicely written and creative

[Crowley]

Well that conjurs up some disgusting visuals!!!! Lol! this was a cool and creepy comparison and I think you got the bouncy beat for sure. Loved it!!

[Jessica]

I liked this alot. I loved the imagery of the catepillar. I thought that it was unique and different.

[Jade]

oh goodness! made me shiver. This sure has the imagery. Nicely expressed