Salt Water

Night Swimming

The beachfront is strange in the dark - you can hardly see the sand or the sea and it looks like the world just ends - I walked out into the sea last night - it was f*****g freezing - I like the way the waves hit my body - I like the power of it - the way it pushes me -  sometimes I could love the sea - dark, cold, indifferent to how I feel - and yet - I like the way it touches me - the way it holds my body and sucks me down into some other world.

Sometimes I’d like to go down - let the salt water in my mouth - I could go down and never come up again…

I held my breath until it burned in me and I surfaced coughing water - I left my clothes on the rocks - and when I came out the wind was even colder than the sea - I had to wait for ages for the night to dry my body - I didn't want to dress while wet and get the sand and salt water in my clothes - I sat naked on the rocks looking at the sky and I thought of you - of the dirty little words that we share - they kept me warm.

Reviews

[Alessander]

A. Love the theme. I'm a nautical man - I often write about the sea and such, and I really like what you're doing here with the scene.

B. I love the reflection. You really get specific and I feel like I'm there at the beach at midnight.

Skinny dipping in the ocean at night is something only the youth can do! And even then, it's a little nuts cause it's FREEZING!!!

I really enjoyed the way it ended - it wraps up nicely.

Some things could perhaps be cut out (like "wait for ages") but overall I dug it.

[gcp]

AWw thanks - I'm glad it stuck a chord :) Yeah - it can be really cold - but that's part of the fun in a way.

Yeah - I agree, a few loose words still hanging about - I like to trim them out where I can - perhaps I'll have another little prune, get rid of a few more...

thanks for reading :)

[poetry-kiddo alienbaba]

Sea salt cures the body of flu
Synthetic clothes confines the comet in you
Dirty words soil the eardrums of a few
Gettin wet just to dry anew.
You take time to write t'me...thank you..

[gcp]

:) A comment in poem form :) Thanks :)

[poetry-kiddo alienbaba]

yes

[Baby Ricochet]

Nice descriptive piece.

[gcp]

Thanks :)

[Relic]

The word "F*****g" ruined it for me. It seems out of place with the rest of the poem, as though you're trying to identify with those your age or something. That's not a critique, it's just an opinion. The rest of the poem is fine and and I like the descriptions which conjure up images we can relate to. I like the sense of mood throughout too.

[gcp]

Yah - I think you're probably right about it being a little out of place. I think it's a more conversational style slipping into what is otherwise quite a poetic piece - it felt natural to me I suppose, because that's much the way I would speak aloud. I could probably make some half-hearted defense of it - the alliteration is quite nice, and since the piece is, at least in undercurrent, about sex, it could be argued as appropriate - but perhaps the conversational tone of it is distracting (And obviously there will always be folks tuned off simply because it is a loaded word and particular words, even in reasonable context, offend them.)
I'm not sure why the reference to my age? I've heard people cuss at all ages and I wouldn't really see why my generation should be more attracted to cussing than the one before or the one after. Still, I'm not really aiming this at any particular demographic in that sense, so I suppose it doesn't matter.
There are a couple of loose conversational words in this that need pruning - perhaps 'f*****g' will be one to come out in a alter edit too...

Thanks for reading and leaving your thoughts - it's really useful :)

[Relic]

It is your choice. I'm only making a suggestion to a really good poem. Others may disagree with me. The age thing I referred to does not matter, you're right. Though "most" of the adults don't curse in their poems here from what I've seen. The ones that do incorporate it into the poem because it fits for them. The tone of this poem (to me) does not seem to call for it.

I'm a craphead to some people here because I don't like cursing in poems. haha :)

[gcp]

;) Well - I guess that you assumed I'm young enough to not count as an adult could be taken as sly flattery ;)

I agree that in this piece there's little call for it - and in fact - since it's really just a supporting word used in a context like 'very' might be used - there's an argument that it's lazy anyway.

I think there is a time and a place for cussing in both prose and poetry - it's part of the language and those who exclude it blindly are missing a sharp tool from their collection - I'm far more irritated by the trite use of words like 'love' and 'soul' by poets that can't seem to find an original phrase and endlessly reorder the words from a pile of hallmark card quotes.

[Relic]

I agree completely. Cursing in poetry has its uses for certain poets. There are books dedicated to rebel poets that write some great stuff. And yes, you look young and attractive so it is sly flattery. :)

I've been struggling for years to come up with something unique to use instead of the usual love and soul (go to's) yet at times in my earlier work it appears I gave up at certain points. I'm going back over old ones to try to re-paint them but I still find it a struggle. Perhaps someday I'll come up with something original. ha

[uberteff]

I like the way you let your thoughts flow.. what you like about the sea is a great read really... I am a person who uses a lot of vivid imagery in my work... it makes the entire setting come to life... Keep it going..

[gcp]

Thanks - I'm glad you enjoyed the flow :)

Thanks for reading :)

[Hotwater]

Now that's a really nice write... I liked how it 'crept' to the final lines making use of that "warmth".

*bird*

[gcp]

Thanks :-) Glad you liked it.... nice to weave in a little undercurrent :-)

[Antara Kundu]

It lifted me back to my adolescence - when the forbidden night sea would beckon me with a passion that's indescribable, and I'd want to spend hours alone at the terrace of the seaside lodge, taking in the moist breeze and the murmur of the coconut trees lining the beach.

One point - since you've categorized this piece as a poem, do you think a bit of rearrangement of the lines could make it look less prosaic?

[gcp]

Aww, sounds like lovely memories. There is something hypnotic about watching the sea :-)

read moreAww, sounds like lovely memories. There is something hypnotic about watching the sea :-)

As for the format, I agree it isn't what is standard for poetry, more prose in form. I wasn't sure how to categorize it because the options are 'poem' or 'story' and it doesn't fit well in either... It's a prose-poem I suppose... complete and yet only a fragment at the same time. Do you think it would be better to put it as a story since it is prose, even though it technically isn't a story?

[Antara Kundu]

That's a tricky question :-). I love to read and write such free flowing compositions, but have never felt the need to look up a term for them until now. Came across the terms 'Think Piece' (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/think%20piece) and 'Expressive Writing' (http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-expressive-writing.htm) - and I think Writers Cafe should include one of these terms (or something similar) in its drop-down list for Category. Until then - you're free to categorize it either as a poem or a story - whichever sounds better to you, and I take back my suggestion :-).

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/think%20piece

[gcp]

:-) Yeah, or even just having an 'Other' category would be good.. it'd catch anything that doesn't fit neatly any place else :-)
I like the term 'Think Piece' but it makes me think of mote an article or opinion piece so I'm not sure this is one of those either ;-)

[gcp]

:-) Yeah, or even just having an 'Other' category would be good.. it'd catch anything that doesn't fit neatly any place else :-)
I like the term 'Think Piece' but it makes me think of mote an article or opinion piece so I'm not sure this is one of those either ;-)

[Antara Kundu]

:-) Yeah you're right. I'll put this as a suggestion to Writers Cafe is such a feature is available.

[Pete Langley]

The sea is ambivalent to us - and to all life - yet we attribute all manner of moods to it, as if it has a conciousness. I think it is the neutrality that draws us to seek reflections of both joys and misgivings because there is no judgement involved - only our own. I love the bonding quality of your piece, Pete. The plain language adds to the relaxed, accepting mindset. P.

[gcp]

Aww thank you. Yeah, I guess the nature of the sea is that in many ways it reflects ourselves back to us.

Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment :)

p.s. I really love the word ambivalent :)

[Tate Morgan]

As we share the sea with the rest of life we are the only mamal to shed salty tears The sound of the waves beating like a heart. From our own bodies it is obvious that when we get to the sea we are truly just going home

[gcp]

:) that's a nice thought - I do like to spend a lot of time in the water :)

[David Scott]

I like that it matters not if this is fiction or real life. I feel the read as if it were exactly what you did last night. You have a gift for story telling. Thank you for taking me away from my desk and into the currents of the tides with you.

[gcp]

Thanks for joining me in a little night-swimming :) I'm glad you enjoyed it - thanks for reading :)

[MAC]

has that journal feeling to it which makes it all the better. my first read of you and i must say it won't be my last

[gcp]

:) Thanks - glad to know it hooked your attention ;) Thanks for reading :)